The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some of you know I have been fighting to keep my home since forever. Got yet another turn down for a loan mod. Was dumb in the first place.
The mortgage company had it all set up, payments and all. the gal quit.
They needed a signature from me the day I was in surgery, becuz i could not sign it, they canceled that deal. Then started this one. I was already told this kind would not work, but they tried anyway.
I have a mortgage advocate who does everything. He will not be happy.
They keep setting foreclosure dates then setting a different date in the future. The limbo can really wear on me.
Now my advocate has to send all the info in again, which is not a problem as I always send him everything. I am not in debt, no credit cards or loans. It is so hard sometimes.
I know HP knows what I need, it will be ok. I thought about what I need in my life. Put it in my head what I would have to do.
Day at a time for sure. The thought of not having anything to care for, what would I do with myself. I am homebound pretty much due to my disability. I would NOT place any of my dogs. That I will not give on.
I believe I have enough very close friends who would take my horse, llama and his sheep and the pot pigs.
Would have to be in the country. I am not made for the city. Would rather live in a teepee in the woods than live in town. I need the quiet, darkness, no one complaining and stealing things out of my yard.
This is my home. Lost most my family as some know. Option could be to move to another country where it is lots cheaper to live. or to another state. That does not interest me.
My environment is all I have that is familiar. NO family but home means so much more to me now.
Placing my aged animals seems so unfair. Not there yet at all though.
There are other options from this mortgage company. So hopefully tomorrow my gut will feel better. Being an imperfect human, there are times it all just hurts.
I am not depressed though. I thank you that I can vent here.
My needs are a home, can be super small, just warm, clean in the country. could be an rv parked out somewhere with room to fence for my dogs.
my bed and place for my cloths. bathroom, kitchen, my recliner. would like tv and internet.
The thing is if i had to leave this home, it would be like a death. Could i mentally handle it? Birds are right here outside my window. The finches discovered their finch seed.
Is there something wrong with needing to feel secure in a home? Being older I just don't have the umph I used to.
I'm so sorry lyndebi, I had no idea you were going through this while also giving such great support and encouragement to everyone on here, myself included. I have never owned, only rented, so I don't know what it's like but I can imagine it would be so hard to think of losing your home because I lost my childhood home (through normal moving circumstances) and that was hard enough. I can see why it must be frightening. I hope that it will work out with the mortgage company and that you can stay in your home. If not, I am sure with such a warm person you are, you WILL be okay, as you say, because of your higher power and your faith, I know you can make a nice home for yourself even if you cannot stay in this one. But that doesn't fix it; I wish we could. Know that I and others are thinking of you and wishing the very best for you and your animals.
I am in a similar situation but it is for a different reason. I have found a home to buy, my first, though I have lived in my dream home for the past 9 years - the first ever "home' in my life. A wonderful, serene, peaceful place that has been a loving environment to raise my daughter. 19 acres. Wine country. Life doesn't get better and I have loved and been so grateful every single day.
But I am paying someone else's mortgage. I can't afford to buy here . . . so I am moving to the city. Ugggg. But it is what it is and I know I will make the most of it. My cats I have had for 9 years are going to a good home with a 5 year old girl on property. They would not do well in the city and I won't take them just to make myself feel better. I am leaving my piano behind.
It has been a 6 month long, very trying ordeal. Lost the house to another buyer, then found them and offered to buy. More work. More money. More delays. I three weeks late on closing and have been living out of boxes for a month. But I have kept my head up. We are healthy. We are happy. We will have a roof and this is the first step in planning the next part of my life and my retirement now that my daughter has grown. I am leaving a beautiful, country paradise to live in the city surrounded by people. Every time I get scared I tell myself I will find other things to make me feel good. I will find other things to love. I am leaving all my friends and family. The first thing on my list, after securing the house, is getting to a meeting. There is a VERY large recovery community there. I am going to go to college. I am going to go to the symphony, the opera, the ballet, the mountains, the river. I am going to make the most of this.
I am afraid. Very afraid. I am heart broken. I am working my fingers to the bone for something I do not want - but have faith in myself that I will make the most of it. I focus on the next step as the list is overwhelming and I am doing it all on my own with limited funds.
I focus on today. I do the next right thing. I cry and it is ok. I trust in myself. I am grateful for the ability to be able to do this and try to focus on the positive things that are coming and not what I am leaving behind.
We will be ok, Debilyn. We still have each other. I know you have a strong faith and that will help carry you. Here is a big hug from one worn out girl to another. I read a great article today on acceptance: "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today." -- "Alcoholics Anonymous" (AA's Big Book), pg. 417, from the story "Acceptance Was The Answer". It talked about taking that concept and over-applying it. Not everything in life I have to accept. BUT, in this situation it does truly help. Accept where I am and where I am going. But in the article it said there is one concept that ALWAYS applies and always helps.
Breathe.
I have been doing a LOT of that lately.
My love to you. I am sending strength your way.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
You guys are helping me so much. I woke in the am with a migraine. I am fine until I eat, take the meds then end up sick.
I wish I never had to eat!Yes I ate five chips ahoy chocolate chip/toffee cookies after a plate of a vegie, ww pasta good meal. Probably the cookies....I as off sugar. Then went down. Am not binging or eating too many. Just cannot tolerate them at all I guess.
Thank you. It is the am. sortof nightmares. going into a sewing room where my mother is making me a nightgown but she is dead. this was the last thing she made me. Her sweaters and coats are all around. i pick each one up and cry into it.
then these monster football players but look like gang members are walking past me in the high school. One starts hitting on me. I tell me I am a teacher not a student, he says there is something about your face, I love your face. oh brother.
I did have a couple kids do this. One invited me to a party. I said do you realise how old I am???I was forty. He put his hood over his face and put his head down...haha
I was trying to get to my classroom. but it was all wrong. I was saying to the kid driving this is not right, this is a dream, kept slapping myself and pinching saying see see this does not hurt, wake me up wake me up!!! ugh.
Then woke with a headache, took some med. could not sleep. Got up to take med for the nausea, here I am with my pom fezzic, and happy my poodle and tavish my basset has now gotten up to be with me too. Of course Celie was starving so I had to make her some warm cereal.
I guess if I have to move under a bridge, if I can handle eight dogs celie pot pig is coming with me too.
You all are so right, the more I read it from your shares the better I feel. I really need all your support. I keep thinking, I trust God, my Hp, and I will say it as it is MY belief, I trust Jehovah.
There is no one I trust more. I depend on that never lets me down no matter what. Hp knows how I have fought for ten years to keep my home. The ex AH took about everything but it, and it has been by a thread I am here. Someone gave me my little mobile barn car.
Now I can afford the payments but again they offered a loan mod to me, I took it and it has been a nightmare ever since as that was right before the economy went bad. I lost over $150,000 in my house worth. Now it is not worth what I owe, that is why so many people are losing their homes!
We bought it for a good price. NOTHING fancy, but AH put a barn on decks etc. he was a builder. Then his disease sucked everything away. We were only married less than a year when the disease started after his surgery.
I have lived in the sun room at the end of my barn, lost over fifty pounds from starving, gone thru horrible renters in my house. Which is why I am putting down floor myself, fixing plumbing, putting inside doors, they slugged them, broke the one slider, broke two windows....been super slow process too. two and a half years.
still have a couple hundred of junk in this one area behind a fence to get to recycle. And here I am more disabled. NOT complaining, is the way life went. In face I am ok and serene most the time now.
Life is hard, it just is. I had some time of not thinking about being homeless, was so nice. Just moving along. So ups and downs. I think about gpa and gma and eight kids losing the farm. cow died, all these kids. Lost everything, depression. gpa Ahart made a car into a sorta pickup with camper on top, brought everyone to Oregon from Iowa.
true story. They made it here to a farm to a neat farm house, gpa was in the fire dept and gma worked on this vegie and flower farm. After awhile they bought a house.
Almost lost it once, gpa was in to talk to the bank, they turned him down, some stranger offered him a loan, they made it.
I would live in a barn again with a bathroom before i would move to town. I HATE town. Hate it. I get so nervous and HATE it.
HP knows what I need. I did not mention all the cats. I know tlc. I know. I have at least 20. All but three, strays who came in. All fixed etc. Now how in the heck do I move them? I know they would not leave if I move. i mean leave me even if I were in a tent, I would not be so fortunate. haha
I hate cats behavior but I love them. They are so pretty sleeping in my flowers, on the gliders. One siamesey guy curt aka curtain cilmber goes on the roof and cannot get down. so here I am my disabled old leg up on a ladder. Hey I waited for days once. he will not come down.
My guinea birds will be on the roof cackling at my little dogs driving them crazy.
My life comes from the earth up out here. taking a breath tlc. I do need reminders to breath.
My friend who is my best bud is having trouble with dil and her being mean about g kids. She is an A I believe, pills. It all just started. My friend adores and basically has raised her kids.
I love him and his whole family. I hate this.
I am fighting for my long term disability again. this time I am not letting anything slide. I am well enough to keep on them. I may have explained it. I got it for two years then not since 06 to now.
I had to prove a year ago to them I was still disabled to get them to waive my life insurance premium. they said from 06 to 08 they did not have enough to say I was 100% disabled. Though I have been to Social security and Pers and Medicare since 03.
I know it is nuts. So I have gotten all the docs and my files sent to them, not giving up. If they say no again, i will take them to court and let them explain how I was not disabled for two years with all this body owees that are very apparent by surgeries.
I would RATHER be healthy in Medical school!
I need the income plus I worked hard for eighteen years for that benefit. They owe me a chunk of back pay too. Thus a chance to get an Rv in case or whatever. I would LOVE to get some tiny old house with a barn and an acre or so. simple.
I will fight not to lose one animal, believe me. You guys made me feel stronger of course after hp. but he sends love thru you. MY belief. And I know angels are always here being messengers. I KNOW This. my beliefs again I own all of this.
I know Al Anon is all our beliefs, we respect each others spiritual beliefs to no beliefs. All I know is he has gotten me thru worse than this.
I don't want to be homeless. Well I don't care if I am, I don't want my animals to be.
I do have a huge pasture for the big animals if I had to. That one my lovely neighbor/friends let me use. I would have to put up a shelter and figure out water. No big deal. Its just that I would not live by them. I don't think I could drive back there to put a nice rv. I could ask if I put a gravel road in if I could and pay rent. BUT that is a HUGE question.
He is a doctor so does not need the money. They could not see me and I am very quiet. Animals are so nice. They are the ones who's dogs have come to my house for ten years. Super nice people.
But that is a HUGE if.
sigh. I am sorry if I am writing too much. Sitting here alone in the dark. well with dogs all over. Brimly one of my shi tzu poodles is now u p here too. Bonnie my newfy mix is close by I am sure Sauvy my huge great pyr has taken over my nice clean bed....
I just cannot have another death, losing my home. ugh. thought more about my horse,llama and his sheep. I am not going to lose anyone of them. There is no one else to fight for them but me.
six old pots. who would love them but me? out of hundreds of animals who went thru here to new homes, these are all who are left who were my own or ones that had special people who passes on.
I don't know what the bottom line is or anything. I will have faith that if it is workable that the money the long term people owe and the bit I saved up are enough to offer them to keep me going.
That is in our hp's hands. I humble myself.
i did order new slippers for me. I NEVER well hardly ever buy anything new. With my darn arthritis, three foot surgeries I have to have good shoes. I found Bearpaws, a good slipper for your feet at a thrift store a year ago brand new. Wore them out almost. So found some on ebay new.
Grit my teeth and got them. Ya see I tell myself You will slip off your slippers when you go out to feed or go up to the barn. guess who doesn't?? these slippers have a tall sole and hard. ez to clean.
BUT I was pouring kerosene into my heater two days ago, unbeknowest to me, it was dripping on my slipper. big sad face here. I thought about burning it off but that sounded insane.
so scrubbed and soaked and stuck in washer with dog blanket. in dryer now. afraid to look. not really I have washed them before. but you know how it breaks things down.
I just cannot imagine those hi heeled slippers with feathers on them, I can just see all my little dogs chasing my feet. Then slobbering all over the feathers. Diva if you are reading this, I thought of you. (c:
Diva can I come to your house and just rest? I am very quiet and clean? smiling at the thought.
I would love to love on your animals.
All my friends have them, cannot relate to people who don't. not that they are bad, just cannot imagine life in my home. Well life is my home now that i think about it. Plants all over, Reeba opening cubboards and finding her own peanuts. Pot pig halfway in her feed sack, Basset surfing counters.
I was just remembering, there are people who hire people with rv's to stay on their place as they are not there much. to care take. They like the idea of one quiet person. My dogs are honestly not that noisey as I do not allow it. plus they are kept busy with bones and stuff.
ugh. thank you if you have read this far. I cannot go back and think how happy I used to be, how it felt to have him to hug me and to make him dinner. To make sure he had the best work boots and good wicking socks.
how he always kissed me hi and bye and inbetween. told me my hair was so soft. fed before i had a chance. taught me how to put up sheetrock, mud and sand it. how to frame a window, do some plumbing, put in an outlet. how to make another human being happy and loved.
how I would come home and he had ok'ed someone to bring a needy animal here and he was busy brushing it, built it a new house filled with hay.
how he smiled like a little boy who ya just embarrassed by kissing the top of his head. How he pulled his sweat pants up so high to make me laugh and be folding cloths and put my underwear on his head.
How sexy and handsome he was. How i felt so secure, loved, warm. was so nice so short a time. BUT I had it. some people go a life time with out it.
gads gma lived to 106 gpa 95. I am only 57. shaking head.
life happens so quickly. i mean all the stuff in such a short time. now here i am wondering where they all went. wondering why I am still here. no more what am I suppose to do here.
big sigh, breathing tlc. tlc, I am glad you are getting your home. Honestly, living in town is not so bad. You will make it home where ever you are. I would make my whole yard an English Garden, put bird feeders up everywhere. Of course have a huge area for my dogs.
Just have to take them places every day or so to run. I would make sure i had a tall fence and keep it to myself how many I have. AND hide Celie. she is a house pig anyway. and NO pig poo does not stink. she uses a litter box. being a vegie eating grain, honestly if they eat right they do not stink, besides ya just keep it clean, great plant food.
tlc it will be YOUR home. Having your own home is nothing like renting. I hated renting. ugh that is another thing. My renters would lose their home too. That would be awful. they have dogs cats and two horses. such good kids. She is a JW too. I have always worked with them. a baby and a six year old too.
If I can I sure do. I tell them we are in this together.
I am just spilling like a water fall aren't I? Life is not just about all this tough stuff. I have learned that just becuz life is hard, it is also serene and love is always there, and experience.
I have seen how things work out. How I did live in a room in the barn and it was cold and very, very hard dragging water in, bathing inside standing in a big wash tub, pouring water on me in the winter. cold.
one room 14 x16 or so. no insulation then. I had sooooo many animals then too, he left me with soooo much. gads.
The shock of that letter, when I see no reason for them to do this except the government WANTS all these foreclosures so they can control us. This is that big stupid obama supposedly helping people. Makes zero sense since I have plenty after a payment to live on.
i asked my advocate to make sure they had the right numbers.
NO I do not have money. as things have gone sour, washer, septic, uno upkeep, medical bills. BUT on paper I look ok.
This little town is home. LOTS of people are farmers. I am not too ashamed to go out and ask about parking somewhere. I suppose I could do some kind of solar energy? compressors are too noisy.
agh sorry. I guess I better go to sleep again.
I need responses, anything, experience, hope, sad stuff anything. tlc i am not kidding your reminder to breath is helping. I tend to forget that.
zzzzzzz now that all the dogs have hopped out of a warm bed to be with me in here....such loyalty...I do love and care about you all. Debilyn in Oregon
I gotta say with all your struggles, many many that I can personally relate to..You are such an inspiration for me as to how wonderful this program is as well as the people in it. I too am fighting for disability, I had to fight to keep my home ( lost everything else). But as long as I have My HP by my side I can say now I am pretty sure I will be alright, and I am pretty sure you are going to be alright too Prayers and Blessings your way
WOW, YOU are a fine example of gratitude, and I don't know what you will make of this but? a home is not a home without real life inside of it, no matter wether a castle nor a shack, your home is bursting at the seams with all the attributes money cannot buy, you are a treasure, ((((((((((BIG HUG'S)))))))))))X
