The material presented
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level.
I must be the whiniest person on this board. Sorry folks. Anyway I though I'd share some of my past....i dont' know why but it seems connected to why I'm having such a hard time today. Without going into great detail, I'm an ACOA, who got into therapy in the early 90's and was directed to Alanon by my therapist. I made, I believe, great strides in my life. While I still have many issues today one thing that really seems to be cured are my panic attacks. Haven't had one in over 10 years. Alas, my depression persists. The program was a great support and comfort to me as was therapy, but I got to a point where I was feeling so well (and i then bought a house, had a kid and started working a second job) that I stopped working the program. Now from what I know, everyone here would probably ID this as a bad move. But until about a year or 2 ago (and after about 10 years of really being able to feel kind of good about my life) things went south. Marital problems, the affects of my wife's behavior on my daughter and ever increasing financial problems started to hammer me down into a depression. I have all the standard feelings of being "less than", and "envy and comparing". I guess what happened, among other thing is this: I just turned 50 but in the year or 2 leading up to that I lost hope. IN the early 90's I felt that I could make changes in my life. I went back to school to get another degree. Got a second job to improve my income (wife works very little) did maritial therapy for several years etc. I had hope that things could change. Now I dont' feel that. I have to accept that somethings aren't going to change. My finances for one. If anything we are close to moving because I'm close to not being able to afford to live where we are in the house I have (a 1200 square foot ranch), and will possibly have to move to a smaller house and yard(??????) in a less desirable school district. And with the housing crunch, I'm in a position that I may not be able to sell the house at this time due to our debt being greater than the value of the house. My income potential is maxed out. If anything I'd like to cut back on work and be home with my daughter more or pursue my own interests (let alone make Alanon meetings more often) but there's precious little time and I find that I often have to choose what I WONT do in order to do something else. I realize my problems aren't unique and that many have it far worse than me. Yet what I've found is that the hope for the future has evaporated. 20 years ago I saw the possibility of all sorts of improvements in every area of my life. Now I dont' see any hope. If anything a future divorce (which would at least lessen stress in my life and give me a chance to live more "functionally") will leave me far worse off financially. At a time when my colleagues are retiring or preparing for it, I'll likely never be able to, ....anyway...lack of hope. What I am doing (because I see no other way) is at least trying to change the things I can change. I've lost 35 pounds on the way to losing 50...which I WILL do. I'm exercising again (not as strenuously as I used to but just walking 45 minutes per day is a huge improvement). I started to "study" guitar again, really working at it (which I like and thank God I've got some ability there so the work seems to bear results over time). I've learned to really cook from scratch and enjoy it immensly when I have time. I've been in therapy for 2 years and I really feel I work very hard at it. My therapist is often surprised at what I"ve done to try to get better. I'm posting here because getting to F2F is really hard these days. I do infrequently make one though and recently made contact with an old alanon friend. As far as I can see, these are the things that I've gotten the "courage to change"..."accepting the things I cannot change" feels infinitely harder. I really cant' shake the idea that I've gotten the short end of the stick and that is hard to accept. I do gratitude lists every day (at least mentally I write them down several times per week). I know I have to keep trying and keep going but I can't describe how discouraged I feel. I am blessed (?) with a stubborn streak that doesn't allow me to quit things (sometimes to my detriment but often it leads me to overcome obstacles)so I'll keep going. I'm sort of embarrassed about all the whining I do, but I'm really trying to work throught this. thanks.
Much of what you wrote was my life exactly before I hit the doors of alanon. So when I tell you i know just how you feel it is the honest to God's truth. I too am ACOA..never got help for that..in fact had started going to meetings when my children were young and walked out thinking it was a bunch of crap and I could handle things on my own. My childhood consisted not only of being surrounded by A's, but by physical, mental and sexual abuse. I suppressed most of those memories until a few years ago when due to a series of events was so tramatized, was diagonsed with PTSD and I reverted right back to that frightened child I was. I became so clincally depressed I couldn't leave my home for over a year ( lost my dream job also ) had anxiety attcks (still do) that left me wishing for death rather than go thru another attack. If you have them then you know that feeling. My son spiraled out of control with his drug use. My husband became disabled, My beloved daughter who was the one person on earth i believed would always stand by my side left home saying the mother she knew was gone and now so was she. She vowed never to return. Also I have physical limitations ( disc and nerve damage from the top of my spine to the bottom) have had one surgery already but once I lost my job and my husband became disabled...lost my insurance. Our lives couldn't have possibly been more out of control or as we say Unmanagable. We did lose everything. Our nice new shiny cars repod...had to sell everything in our home that held any value what so ever including things handed down to us from previous generations. Was humiliated wondering what the neighbors must be thinking as one thing after another was being taken out of our home. Our credit was shot to hell, we couldn't make our house payments much less any credit cards. Borrowed money from any relative willing to give us money to make our house payment and even with that we went right up to the brink of foreclousre. All this time I was depressed, had no money anymore to even go to a doctor for meds so went off all my meds and white knuckled those anxiety attacks, still not leaving the house except for the 3 times our son OD'd right in our home and had to go to hosp. I mean our lives were a total disater and my husband god bless him, disability and all worked tirelessly trying to hold things together...he was certainly not getting any help from me. The only difference between our 2 stories is my husband and I have always been devoted to each other and supportive of each other. And to be honest I was surprised each day that my husband didn't call it quits between us. We were about to be living on the streets ( well would likely move in with relatives) My husband who was never a religious guy reached out for comfort and some sort of stability at a church he found...and he began his healing process. I one day got out of bed took about 2 steps and literally dropped to my knees and begged and prayed to a God I had left behind a long time ago for help. 2 days later I was introduced to alanon and began my own healing process. I was sure I was a hopeless case but was willing to give it a try. Anything had to be better than the misery we were living in. Soon after my husbands back pay was recieved from his disability. It was an absolute miracle. Enough to catch up on our house payments and settle with our credit card bills etc. We will never ever go back to the earning we were used to and we now drive cars that are 20+ yrs old, had to go for assistance for food. But finally things were almost looking like we might make it. I tell you all this so first of all you know that you are not alone in your struggles. I get it totally. But by working this program now for over 2 years now I am not the scared, defeated, hopless person I was when I first arrived. This program has done for me what no medication or doctor or any other person could do for me. Once I surrendered my life completly to my HP ( and that took me a while ) I started becoming the person I was meant to be. I will never be the person I once was and today I am glad for that, I am now working on being the person my God always wanted me to be. And the new me doesn't care anymore about aquirring "things" to keep up with the jones, today I am happy with the simple blessings HP sends my way. I tell you this because you are already head and shoulders above where I was before I got here. And like you I kept telling my story over and over again to anyone who would listen....I needed to tell it, get it out of my system. Then it was time for me to get to work on the program. Little by little, inch by inch I dug myself out of that dark hole..the main thing for me was I wasn't digging myself out alone anymore I had the whole fellowship with me pushing me up farther and farther until i could see the light and then I knew there was hope for me and I threw my self into the program as hard as I could. I never foresaw my "old age" turning out this way either. We had retirement plans, moving to a warmer climate being one of them. We had dreams that are no longer options for us. It is hard to accept at first but as I grew in the program and my husband grows in his faith we adjusted our dreams. Not what we wanted but now as long as we are in sinc with our faith and continue to follow the path HP has set out for us. We are going to be ok Our lives are far from perfect today but it has improved more than we could have ever imagined just a few years ago. Our family dynamic is not where we want it to be. My daughter still does not trust that I have gotten better but we are slowly slowly starting to communicate again. I would like it to be more swift but I have a lot of ammends to make and right now I will take whatever my daughter is willing to give of herself until I can regain her trust. Our son has been in jail rehab almost a year and is just now being able to leave the jail to look for work and so far so good. He knows he can't come home to live this time but we have found him a sober living home to go to and we are ready to allow him to live the life he chooses not knowing what that may be. It is beyond painful to let go of our children and allow them to live thier lives as they see fit especially when one is an A but we had to do it. We live extremly modestly to say the least and thats ok. I am content with that now. As long as we have inner peace ( which we work on constantly) that is all we need to be happy. I really urge you to start working the steps now, getting to meetings. And take every one of those negative things that are happening around you or in your head one by one and let the program and the fellowship walk you through them. I am sure I have bored you beyond belief by now LOL. My point plain and simple is work the program YOU ARE WORTH IT !!!!! Blessings
-- Edited by xeno59 on Saturday 30th of October 2010 12:37:39 PM
Not bored at all, very inspiring actually. I dont' know that I could endure what you've been through. Thanks for the support. As I read your story it occurred to me that even if you have all the material things in the world, they dont' always last and can vanish in a heartbeat, car accident, job loss etc. I have to remember that. Funny the bible says something about not storing treasure on earth where thieves and other things can get at it and ruin it. I'm trying. I'm not quitting. I just can't stand being in that deep hole sometimes. It's loney and dark and scary down there. LOL
It's okay now MJ we are here to help you out of that dark hole....just like i was helped I know you have a hard time making meetings...Please think about joining us here online as we have twice daily meetings. And they are awesome Would love to see you in the meeting room Blessings Always
. Not what we wanted but now as long as we are in sinc with our faith and continue to follow the path HP has set out for us. We are going to be ok