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I have been wanting to ask this question in my chat room but got disconnected. I am really having connection problems, maybe because I am far away and using a proxy server. Anyway, I am new to this program and want to know how you cope with situations that your AH creates that are embarrassing. For example, I had house guests for two weeks and he was fine with it before they came but went on a binge and was basically gone most of the time. I guess I can be glad he didn't do anything obnoxious, but he just disappeared and when he was here he just slept. My guests kept asking about him; is he ok? is he working? is he bothered by us being here? I never know quite what to say. I sometimes want to just tell the truth but they would probably be blown away if they knew the truth. I know I'm not supposed to cover up for him but I don't know if I should be telling everyone 'his' or 'our' problem. How do you guys deal with these situations?
Can't answer this for you be can relate. My wife was always ducking social situations whether family or friends. I went to so many events alone or had parties or gatherings at the house by myself. BTW she's not an A. It was embarrassing, and I ran out of excuses after a while. It got to the point that I'd answer their questions, with "I don't know" if I didn't know or "she said she couldn't make it" and if they asked why I'd respond "I'm not really sure". It seems with answers like that people started to figure out something was wrong. Alas, I think I lost a few friends (maybe really acquaintances) along the way. I noticed they stopped coming over, or stopped inviting us (or me). Family seemed to get used to the idea pretty quickly. I don't know if I handled it right, but i could think of nothing else. The "excuses" got pretty thin after a while and it was easier for me to be somewhat honest. I didn't say (except to close friends and close family members) the truth, that "she has alot of social anxiety and really can't handle social gatherings at all". It was and still is awkward but I'm getting used to it. Given the state of our marriage, I actually relish the chance to go somewhere alone, or with my daughter and be able to relax and enjoy myself.
I can so relate. A lot of what is shared here, I actually experienced while married to a dry drunk who hadn't touched a drop in years, moreso than I experience with my currently drinking fiance!!
Social events, having houseguests, staying in others homes. His behavior caused me so much embarassment. Depending on what people asked... I would usually say, yes, I'm sure he's fine. Sometimes when family was genuinely concerned about me, I would shrug and say he's going through problems that have nothing to do with us.... and yes I'm fine. Until the very end, when I knew it was time to leave, I didn't tell many people how serious the problems were. But I found out people who were close to us, already knew. They reassured me over and over, they never felt like his bad behavior reflected on me at all. For whatever reason, that made me feel better.
Well lets see..... my spouse is not my A. I have several A's in my life but my son is my first and foremost. His drug of choice is anything that makes him hallucinate. And that can be a certain kind of cough medicine that contains dexamethasone. And since he had lost all his jobs because of his drug use he was reduced to stealing the cough medicine from the stores in our town. We live in a small town. So he is well known by the police as well as the people working in the stores for what he does. Talk about humilating. The police are not strangers to our home, another embarrasment and he is pretty much known as the "town druggie" UGH! At first honestly I was beyond embarassed. Wondering what the heck the neighbors must be thinking....even having a neighbor come to our home to tell us that they just saw our son being taken away by paramedics at McDonalds lovely huh? Finally another member told me ...... Do not concern yourself with what other people are thinking of you or your son because in all reality they have thier own problems to deal with so while it may capture thier attention for a moment they have thier own issues to deal with. Hmm I was a little skeptical about that, but then I talked to some of our neighbors and they really didn't give a whole lot of thought to my son. Except when they would see an ambulance come get him because he had OD'd then they were concerned for him but that was about it. They understood he was an addict but like I had been told they all had thier own issues they were dealing with. I stopped being embarassed by my sons actions, they were his to own not mine. I did tell some people the reality of his addiction but they already knew. My concern was taken away for what other people thought and put on my own recovery. And my favorite saying now is What other people think of me is none of my busniess And today that is how I live my life. Your husbands actions are for him to own. You need not apologize or make excuses for him but you also don't have to tell evryone who askes that your husband is an A. Some people are just nosey, i kinda just blow those people off. But people that I know care and love us I am honest with, not to "out" my son but just so they understnd our situation Not sure is any of that helped you but leep working your program and your answers will come Blessings
My AHsober and others in our family were no-shows at family events, holidays, parties. I really thought that my husband was working like he said. I said that accountants always had extra work to do and dealines. Over the years, I realize that I was very disappointed that he missed so many events. After he left our marriage I was so embarassed for myself that I couldn't answer the questions. Finally, my sponsor said ask them why do they want to know. I either say that or say ask him because he is the one that left. Also, I needed to get over what others think of me. It helped me stop being so gossipy about others. Because I know it hurts.
I can relate to that too, hubby a no show at events, dinners, drunk at home while guests were there, etc. finally I gave up on sugarcoating, most people knew he drank that much anyway and knew why he was late or a no show.
the most important thing I finally got thru my head- whatever stupid, moronic thing he did while drunk, in front of friends, etc was his problem, not mine.
one time a friend said the next day " you must have been so embarrassed by your husband's behavior last night". my answer was " why? I didn't do anything!
Thanks to all who wrote an answer. Your comments are very helpful. I haven't taken time to check this email box so hadn't noticed your replies. Thanks again and sorry I didn't answer sooner.
