The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My biological family was alcoholic. My mother stocked up alcohol for weeks and weeks before the holidays. My younger sister has pictures of my father totally smashed holidng a bottle. I know that environment set me up to tolerate and to be obsessed around alcoholics on the holidays. The ex AH relished going to his mothers, not because of her cooking, it wasn't the food he was looking forward to. As soon as he got there, he holed up with his brother to get totally stoned and smashed. As I had no boundaries I felt lost, abandoned and collected resentments year after year.
One Christmas I made the mistake of trying to go to a nice resort to stay. Needless to say come Christmas day he wanted to go to his mother's at 6:00 a.m. Of course I took that incredibly personally. I could digress and say that my obsession was so keen that I was actually pretty ill with bronchitis at the time but I put the trip first because I needed a "real" Christmas with him more than I needed medicine. I could barely walk but what movement I could make was loaded with resentment and pain at the fact he couldn't offer me a "real" Christmas. I ranted for years about his decision to run home to his mother's before the hotel office even opened to check out!
This year I am surrounded by active alcoholics. It is so different to watch them gearing up for the celebrations with detachment. Of course their endless partying is beyond annoying. At the same time I can't take it personally it isn't all about "me" and my needs. They are beyond being able to consider anyone's needs they are just absolutely unable to stop at all no matter what.
I spent a lot of years absolutely obsessed with Christmas and Thanskgiving around the ex A. I cooked, he still went to his mother's of course his brother had the real goods, I sulked, I cried, I resented and ranted. I never could get to the place of any objectivity. I felt it was all extremely personal when it was all about drugs and alcohol. I resented his mother deeply when in actuality she just got to play a role, how was it for her to be ignored while the ex A and his brother got loaded! Needless to say they didn't help wash up! I made up scenarios about how he favored his family over me when it was the drugs and alcohol that controlled him. He had no more sense of "family" or "loyalty" or "love" once that got a hold of him.
The ex A loved Christmas and the holidays it was a great time to be loaded from day to night and beyond. His idea of bliss was to pass out. Generally he passed out with me crying and ranting and nothing I did or said made one shred of difference to his actions.
I don't even consider the ex a at Christmas any more. I know where he will be, getting loaded, why obsess about it? I can make choices now when I had none before. If I didn't like my choices I sulked, ranted and raved and make excuses for obsessing and then being devastated that it was one more year of the same!
Of course I didn't like any of the real choices I had, go to movies, go someplace else, take myself out of the equation. I wasn't able to do any of them. I was convinced some action on my part could "make" the ex A conform to my expectations. He never did. I know now it had nothing whatsoever to do with me, my self worth or my needs. The disease had him and he continued no matter what the consequences.
I can't say I am exactly thrilled to be around alcoholics over the holidays who would want that? I do see the escalation quite dramatically and know that I was always so absolutely flumoxed by it in the past. I certainly have my plan be's all lined up to be detaching as much as possible. At the same time I have absolutely no expectation of them at all these days and that in itself is freeing. My expectations have imprisoned me just as much as alcohol imprisoned the ex A.
This will be my first 'Holidays' knowing about detachment. There has always been alcohol at the in-laws during the holidays and it has usually been used responsibly. This year my W's drinking has gotten much worse (1 bottle of wine per night minimum) and her behavior has gotten worse.
I'll need to put some serious thought into my Plan B options. I know I can always go walk the dog and listen to my iPod!
I'll try to remember "Q-TIP". Quit Taking It Personally! And, that I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
Loved your share. Your statement that :Your expectations imprisoned you just asmuch as alcohol imprisons the A" was such a powerful awareness.
I too must make plan b and c this year. I am able to spend a few hours with family but mostly I plan on a meeting, church volunteer at homeless shelter and I am enriched.
I was convinced some action on my part could "make" the ex A conform to my expectations. He never did. I know now it had nothing whatsoever to do with me, my self worth or my needs. The disease had him and he continued no matter what the consequences.
I can relate so much to this. I felt as though I HAD to enforce my expectations. I had to be my conscience as well as HIS. I did (and still do at times) take it personally that he couldn't find sobriety. Real, true, honest sobriety that included step one.
The disease had (and still has) me and I continued no matter the consequences also.
How I see myself in you. You added some clarity to my situation. My Ahsober would just run to his family for the holidays. He never really wanted me there. I too would take my resentments with me. I can see now that he was much more comfortable with them because most of them are alcoholics or other addictions. I tried every alternative: go, leave early, not go, go to a friends house. Always, he had a great time and didn't miss me. And I sat there in my resentments. Now that we don't live together, I make plans for myself and my family. I make quick decisions when I see him or anticipate seeing him at family functions. My Plan B's keep me out of pain. I made the decision to not go to his family functions any more. It is too uncomfortable for me, him and anyone around us.
Understand Spent so many holidays with my A family that started out so well...until after the kids opened thier presents and then it was time for the adults to party UGH! Neither my husband or I are A's but our families are full of them. Our son is now an addict and the last few holidays i can only descible as being pure torture and depressing as we watch our son stumble around. Well our son has been in jail rehab almost a year now. He is in the work/release program right now so he can go out an look for work. He will be there for Thanksgiving. So my husband and I decided to have a nice holiday and go see my sister and her boyfriend in Oregon and make a vacation out of it. When I told our son our plans he said " well they are giving me a 4 hours furlough on Thanksgiving and was hoping to come home for dinner" Of course my first instinct was to change our plans then thought about it a little...and while we adore our son he is in jail for a reason and has to accpet the consequenses of his behavior and if that means he has Thanksgiving in jail then so be it. It may sound cold. But my husband and I deserve a nice holiday and why should we not have it. We adore our son but in working the program I know it is time we took care of ourselves for a change. Blessings
I should add that the people who live around me refer to me as "the bitch" and regularly say "you really are a bitch". I guess that means I'm making progress because before I grovelled for their approval and of course I didn't get it.
Having consequences around an alcoholic means being unpopular. I know putting myself first is foreign but I'm getting a lot of practice.
Maresie , acceptance, awareness, boundaries, detachment........WOW........ look at you........... your progress is inspirational, and I mean that. I know your dread of the holidays........ what a difference from this time last year.
