The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Overcoming my fear of hearing responses, it is important to me to set my mind straight, as I feel I am, once again, taking on someone else's problems. I am aware I am not for everyone and everyone is not for me. I am trying to sort out my hurt - it seems that I allowed someone to dump their anger on me... actually, that, and lash out an unnecessary hurt.
I have been dating a man that I really like since the end of August-beginning of September. On the second date, I learned that he was in AA. He told me he was sober in recovery for 23 years, started drinking when his Dad died, went back to AA and is now sober in recovery for the past 7 years. He told me he attends AA meetings twice weekly.
Over-riding my fears that even if he is ok now that he may not be at any given time, I proceeded to date him because I truly enjoyed his company. He was intelligent, charming, and treated me very nicely. Sometimes we saw each other twice weekly.
Things seemed to be going well, and I looked forward to hearing from him, but also maintained my usual active life balance. He told me how much he enjoys my company several times and let me know he would like to continue to get to know me better. Taking things slowly, I let him know it is mutual. When he brought up our being physically intimate, I let him know that I feel attracted to him that way, but need to build a friendship. He was assuring me he would wait and did not want me to feel pressured. He said I was worth waiting for and he is not in a rush. We continued to date.
At the beginning of October, he let me know he could not continue to see me the same because he would have his children (9 & 14) full time while his ex is traveling abroad. He said he wanted me to understand that he would want to be with me. He continued to call and date me.
October 12th he cancelled dinner plans with me because he caught a bad virus that is going around. (a bad cold) I sent him a message that day and the next wishing him a speedy recovery. I did not want to bother him at this point, knowing he was not feeling well and he now has his children full time. I waited for him to contact me.
Ten days go by and I am feeling concerned, not hearing from him. Then I get the text, stating that he didn't want to end things this way, but c'est la vie. Thank you for some wonderful dates.
Shocked, I called him and left a message for him to call me. I requested him to call back and asked him if he is with another woman. He texted a very angry reply that he is not, he hasn't heard from me to see if he was alive or dead. I texted back that there is a huge misunderstanding. He said he would call me the next day, but he didn't.
I tried for the last time and left him a voice mail explaining that I really like him and was thinking of him, but thought he was overwhelmed enough with sickness and the children... this isn't a reflection of how I feel about him, we just haven't been dating for long and I don't really know him that well. I suggested we meet and talk about it.
He sent me an email the next night listing paragraphs of my positive attributes, and, that he thought maybe we should meet, but something is missing and he isn't feeling it.
Now, I understand that people may change their minds, etc... but, this would negate my radar for knowing if a man is into me or not. I am thinking that the angry text gives it away; if he really weren't feeling it- why bother with the angry text? Why not just let things fade along the path of no communication.
Then, it seemed like round 2 in the letter, all those nice things he enumerated about me and then said he's not feeling it? Why not just not you're wonderful, but I think this is best? He didn't have to be hurtful if he doesn't want to be with me.
The end result of whatever happened is the same. I realize this. It may be foolish for me to think that he was into me and is not able to process his feelings and then took his anger out on me. I am raw and hurt and can move past this better if I can learn rather than allow my self-esteem to be bashed.
Please be gentle with your responses- I am listening. Thank you.
I am brand-spanking new to this group, but it seems that you and I may be cut from the same cloth. We are both what I like to call "overthinkers." You seem, like me, to be a highly analytical person who is also very attuned to the emotions of others. The end result can be that you can spend HOURS trying to determine someone's motives/feelings/probable course of action.
I write the rest of this response totally separate from the Al Anon teachings, since I am only now beginning to learn about them and understand them. I offer my opinion only from the perspective of a woman who, like you, has often dissected every single aspect of a conversation trying to get at the deeper, hidden meaning.
First and foremost, please remember that the fact that this man has ended things is entirely his loss. It sounds to me as though at best, he is confused about how he feels and is very bad at handling his confusion. At worst, he is a game-player who enjoys bringing drama into your life and/or stringing you along because it makes him feel good that someone "likes" him.
His reaction to your period of "radio silence" suggests to me that he does not have a good handle on his emotions, and can make rash, hurtful decisions when he is confused. I have encountered many people in my life who give backhanded compliments, or follow up a string of positive statements with a "but..." only for the purpose of making them feel better about themselves. I don't think you know him well enough to truly know if he is confused and acting out in anger, or if he is a more nefarious game-player.
You don't mention in your post, but if you are considering his offer of getting together to talk things out, I would discourage it. Move on, put it behind you, and try to accept that you will never truly *know* why he said the things he did in the manner he said them.
Thank you Stephaniej! Much appreciated! I guess I am looking for the validation of my perceptions, for if all the truth lay in his words, I would be feeling so much more cut- harder recovery for me.
I was the one suggesting we meet; that was prior to his round 2 letter.
Seeing your perception is similar to mine, I can be assured he is not been the forthcoming person, as I initially thought he was.
People mentioned he may be in touch with me again and to be prepared.
I will not pick up the phone or respond. He works in town where I typically hang out. I will not change my patterns. It isn't too likely we'll run into each other. If so, I really can't afford to chat with him. I am done- just need to process the hurt, which is now on my side of the street.
We never know what anyone else thinks, or what makes them do what they do!
Myself I ignore what they say, watch what they do. I don't remember all you shared of what he said, I remember feeling like he was up to something when he did not call. A cold? Big deal, if you are caring about someone you can still call.
Then the immaturity feeling came for me of him.
You responded to him like the lady you are. His behavior is NO reflection on you! It shows his true character.
It takes a LONG time to know someone, and see how they treat you. My ex wooed me over a year! Us being friends is what made me able to hang in as long as I did.
YOU my dear showed what a precious gal you are. We have no control if they are into us or not. As far as you knowing, you just learned his true colors.
From what I see, give a relationship MUCH more time. AND it is how two people get thru the tough stuff that really shows the true feelings.
IF he really was sick, who knows, this was a problem, look what happened. It just showed his true character. You were wise to let it go.
Again this is NO reflection on you. Just becuz someone we thought liked us is really a turkey does not mean there is anything wrong with us!
I am proud of your morals! Myself I would have dropped it after his first rudeness. But I am an old lady and don't put up with bs. I like me, if someone else doesn't like me that is very ok!
I am not perfect. I guess thinking here hon, I don't think about if someone likes me or not anyway. I just let time go by, take things as they come.
So here you are, still a nice gal who uses her brain as well as her heart!
I understand completely, Bud. I remember the end of a relationship, and the hurt is so acute, even when it wasn't terribly "serious." I remember passing by places that held memories, and thinking I would never be able to pass by those places without thinking of those memories and feeling bad/sad. But the pain eases and we come out the other side hopefully with improved self-knowledge.
I do think your perceptions are probably correct. Either way, he is either too emotionally disconnected or too callous toward others' feelings to be worth your time and energy.
I'm glad you're trying hard not to let it affect your view of your self-worth. I am trying very hard to live my life according to the motto that only I determine my self-worth. It's hard, but I'm trying. I'm glad you're trying too.
I am overwhelmed with comfort. Thank you! Still working out my issues, I was bracing for responses that I've done something wrong or have badly distorted thinking or that I have deep-rooted issues beyond repair... one day, I will not be as quick to blame myself and place myself in a dark rabbit hole... I'll work on this one day at a time...
Lyndebi- Thank you so very much for your feedback and kind words! I am working on minding my own business and not being concerned with what others think of me. I know to watch someone's actions and was totally bothered that he was not in touch with me. I was not happy with his drama over a cold, geez! I did not like how he handled it from that point forward and do not want to be with someone who behaves this way.
I was just so shocked here at the sudden 180 degree change! It is that I was ready to invest another level of emotion when this happened. I do agree that it takes a very long time to get to know someone. I am in no rush- I just need to learn to hold back investing emotions for a while even more.
Stehpanie- Thank you for understanding and letting me know. Given the choices, this man must remain in my past; I know that I had the best of him at 4 weeks... before he announced his business with the children. I know he cannot sustain the behavior that I like for longer than that. I also know that was his warm-up and nothing good can come with any further contact.
I'm glad I am not alone in working on my self-worth.
I am trying to focus on being grateful that I found out sooner than later and that I hadn't invested any more energy than I already have.
In my experience with dating, I found that when someone did something questionable, it was better if I stopped communicating with them, which is what you said you are doing. It sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants. And good for you, for putting up your boundary of waiting to be intimate! That is great :) As a fellow codependent, I know how hard it is to put a boundary on that... Take care of you, great share!~
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Well... do you really want someone like that in your life?.. He sounds disrespectful and selfish from the getgo, and I can tell you are having trust issues with him already. What would happen if you get ill, have to travel abroad, or you are bed bound for a month or so... is he going to get mysterious,rude or run to find someone else simply because you can't get on the phone, he can't get your attention or be intimate or whatever his intentions are?? Don't analyze his behavior or words so much, it's a waste of time. Sharon Stone has a quote that says something like this " Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships". Did you fall for him or you fell for his BS? Ask yourself. I know you can choose a better man, I feel it. Sometimes we have to follow our heart, sometimes we have to follow the logic.
Thank you Bambina- I had just decided to trust him when this happened. (In the future, I know to give it much more time.) He must have radar. His quick 180 threw me off balance, and I slid back into my old bad habit of questioning myself. I was shocked to find out that he is so full of it-interesting quote!
There doesn't seem to be any logic to it, but thanks to being here, I can accept that there is no logic. Ironically, he ended it- unless this is another manipulation- following his statement that he is simply not feeling it, he wished me the best. Your words will help reinforce my staying away and moving on. Many thanks!
