The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
That's what I've been doing for many years. I've been hiding it because I'm ashamed. My mother doesn't know about my A husband's problem although she has cracked some jokes about it seeing him with her own eyes. My parents seldom consumed alcohol, it was saved only for special occasions or Christmas. If only she knew just how bad it's gotten? My sister has pointed it out saying that the only time my husband is social and will come to the door and greet her is if he has a bottle of beer in his hands. Huh, she was right but instead of agreeing with her, I lashed out on her and told her that wasn't a very nice comment to make. My friends don't know, and many I won't invite to our home because I don't feel comfortable, and in this case it's not his drinking but the way he becomes when I do have friends here, he acts very cool, won't participate and makes me feel that the guests shouldn't be here, that is unless I invite friends who drink, then it's another story. I also feel ashamed if we have to go to some important gathering, it's embarrassing to be escorting the A out of the place after he cleaned up a good deal of their booze, not to mention at times he can barely walk. Probably the only ones that do know just how much he drinks is myself (his wife,) his kids, and his side of the family, who can't understand why he drinks so much and has turned out that way when he never use to be that way? Of course all his drinking buddies know because a lot of them are just like him. Come to think of it, I never seen him run to the rec room or garage these last couple of days, so I don't think he's been drinking? I have to pat him on the back for that. Just a little vent.
-- Edited by dori711 on Thursday 28th of October 2010 01:05:08 AM
well Dori you rang afew bells with this post for me , I did exactly the same thing for yrs and you know what ? because of my irratic behavior everyone thought I was a B*^)+ and ungrateful never happy the list is long . i pushed away our friends our families because I didnt want them to see what was going on in our home . when things got so bad I eventually got to this program I told my parents that my husb had a problem asked them to support my decission to stay in my marriage and told them i was getting help in Al-Anon . Parents dont need to know the nitty gritty stuff thats going on in your home but sharring your problem with them will relieve alot of pressure for you ,its damn hard to hide an alcoholic they never stay put .. or do what we think they will . Keep going to your meetings stop protecting your husb stop enabling and it soon will be obvious to all taht he does indeed have a problem . We take on the shame and guilt of someone elses problem . Your not the reason he drinks . this is a progressive disease it gets worse never better. Stop making excuses for his behavior to your family and friends step aside and allow him to grow up and take responsibility for his own stuff .
Oh yeah, sounds familiar. I remember what prompted me to look for help and find this site (which has been more help than I can say) One day we had plans with friends and my ah was drunk at 9 am. It was not the first time, but in the past I had always called our friends and made some excuse. Not this time. I'd had enough. I called our friends and told them we couldn't make it because my h had been drinking. What a feeling of relief it was to tell the truth. I didn't and don't go around talking about it to everyone, but I no longer lie for him either. One thing I found out shortly after I quit making excuses for him was that it was no secret-most of our friends and neighbors already knew he had a drinking problem. Yes, sometimes it's still embarrassing when he gets drunk around other people. But I'm learning to not react. It's his problem, not mine. He is a grown man and responsible for his actions, I can't control him. And that is a tremendous weight of pressure off me.
This is one of the reasons that I love Alanon and need to be here. I have done exactly the things that you have done and probably more. I isolated, felt ashamed, never planned or accepted anything social in advance, and the list goes on and on. It has been a long process, but I am getting better at leaving my AH's problems with him where they belong. I am not secretive anymore. (Secrets keep you sick) We live in a small town and the people that I care about know and understand, the rest of the people have a right to their own opinion but it is not my business to know what it is. I don't really care anymore what other people think. I have been pretty open about my attending Alanon and it is amazing the amount of people that seek me out to talk about a friend of family member that they are conserned about. What a wonderful program and it truly does work if you work it!! Peace.
dori you reminded me of my family. My dear mother/best friend was not a critical person. She saw how my ex ah had changed, was on program, showed he loved me.
He even took her to a doc app and drove her home once so they talked. I appreciated how she never put him down. No one ever really did. But when he relapsed after the surgery, my one brother said something like well didn't you expect that?
It stung. I hadn't as I was so ignorant.
I know you need the support of your family. To be honest, they probably already know. They don't want to bring it up unless you do.
Glad you came here and vented. Getting it out is sometimes all we need. I learned to say to people when I shared, I don't need ya to fix anything, just need ya to listen. If they wanted to suggest that was fine.
The simple, my husband has a disease. I am in al anon to learn to live with it. Said that a lot.
Definitly hit a nerve with me on your post My son is an addict and as a parent the shame of our son being an addict was almost unbearable. surely we were being judged, we must have been bad parents. can't control thier own child etc. Thank God I found in alanon I don't have anything to be ashamed of. My son is sick, just as sick as a person with altzhiemers. Then I didn't care honestly what anyone thought about us. We did not raise our son around booze or drugs. Maybe wine at the holidays but thats is. We were extremely involved parents with his school and all his althletic and musical goals. He made the choice to try drugs and it caught him and took hold. We live in a small town and believe me he is known by pretty much everyone. I don't care. Other people don't live in my shoes. and my favorite saying is What other people think of me is none of my business Blessings
I understand, my son is also an A. He's done some pretty embarrassing stuff as well. Right now he is going through some issues that were caused by his own free will, and I'm trying so hard not to help him out money wise.
Toby has a chapter entitled "Tell your family, only if you want to"... I think that is well worth the read.... Sometimes, in our attempt to "not shame" our A's, we back ourselves into a corner, where we have nobody to help US with our issues. I would say that many A's want to keep their secret "hidden" to the outside world. I'm not so sure that this is always in the best interest of our own health and serenity....
Your MIP family is here for you when you need us.... I found it also helpful to have at least some trusting, good folks in "real life" to help support me in my recovery...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wow it was great to read this and all the replies. I can relate and didn't know what to do either. We are Christians and until recently were the leaders in our group. To admit my husband was an alcoholic was not easy. I did tell some very close friends although my AH got really mad. HOwever, my friends were a godsend and were and are very supportive. They have moved to another city though so no one here to talk to . So what's best? Is it best to just tell people no matter what the AH thinks. That seems a bit cruel. Still don't know what to do when he shows up really smashed at an event where no one drinks except for a beer or glass of wine now and then. I always wonder if they notice. I suppose they do. I'd like to get to the point that I dont care, but I am mortified to tell the truth because we are 'supposed' to be different. We are supposed to be leading other people in overcoming in life, but don't know how ourselves. It's good just to be real.
Thanks for the replies. I'm reminded that I gave up my position as a crime prevention leader in our neighborhood. After all, it didn't look very good as my AH was openly partying every wknd in the back lane with his friends. He was told about my decision to resign and the reasons behind it, and said I didn't have to but he did nothing to correct it. It was embarrassing for me to continue as we should have been setting a good example for the rest of the neighborhood, meanwhile the neighbors were threatening to phone the police. I was powerless to change him or the situation. He wasn't co-operative.
-- Edited by dori711 on Saturday 30th of October 2010 10:57:20 AM
