The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For the past 6 months i've known that behind the shed under all the weeds and vines and overgrowth lay several small vodka bottles that my exaH has been tossing there through the last winter. He'd come to the house to visit, we'd do a trial at reconciliation sometimes, it would fall apart in days and he'd then be on his way again. I had noticed these bottles in the spring, after the snow melted. I suggested at one point when he was over this summer that he might consider picking them up and putting them in the recycle. At the time, he of course denied them being his. Blamed the kids next door. **@!#$? The bottles remained there, tucked half hidden, half NOT. Much like the disease itself.
This past week, during a discussion with the exah he admitted when asked, that the bottles were his. It's funny, I realized that even though I knew they were his, there was a small peice of me that wanted to believe they weren't. I wanted to believe that he wasn't sneaking swigs (gulps) of vodka at any moment he could, while he was "trying to put the relationship back together". He's not even a vodka drinker, but he thinks vodka can't be detected on his breath and so I wanted to believe they weren't his. I wanted to believe that he wouldn't go to such lengths to buy and drink booze that he didn't even like and then throw the bottles by the dozen, behind a "woodsey" shed. A tiny peice of me still wanted to believe that he also wouldn't lie to me about this. That's my disease. Having difficulty separating the "wishing what is true" from the truth.
Today, when I was behind the shed, looking for property stakes, I began picking up those bottles. So many of them ... filling up the recycle bin. And partnered with small plastic non-perscription pain medication bottles, that he also knew I hated and felt like he had to hide to keep up with the charade. What sadness came over me. That these substances made their way into his life and became so important to him. Important enough to him that he'd lose his family. Lose his character. Lose his health.
What a baffling disease.
Rora
-- Edited by Rora on Thursday 28th of October 2010 04:49:50 AM
I thought he was gonna pick them up...how'd he blow that chance? Give him back the practice or you'll never get better. In love and service (((((hugs)))))
Thanks for the response Jerry. While I did ask exah to pick up the bottles Jerry, I never felt like he was going to.
Why did I pick them up? Because "the shed" I'm talking about isn't even our shed. It belongs to the new neighbour who just moved in. Since finding them originally I have silently REFUSED to pick them up, understanding this is NOT my mess! Normally there is no activity in this area of the properties and I've had no reason to meddle with the bottles. But with the new neighbours situation we are locating property stakes to ascertain boundaries. I feel it is out of respect for the new neighbours that I removed the waste from the property.
Rora
-- Edited by Rora on Thursday 28th of October 2010 05:08:19 AM
What sadness came over me. That these substances made their way into his life and became so important to him. Important enough to him that he'd lose his family. Lose his character. Lose his health.
What a baffling disease.
Rora
-- Edited by Rora on Thursday 28th of October 2010 04:49:50 AM
Dear Rora
I am so sorry for your pain and fully understand how you feel!!! The power of this disease to destroy everything in the path is astounding.
When it became time to sell the house, I too found an enormous stash such as you describe and it broke my heart once again.
So glad we have alanon and the power of this program.
Thank you for this post. It is a great reminder for me, to not pick up the "trash"... There are good days, but I have no idea what I may find someday. I hope nothing. But for now, I am keeping to me, allowing him to be him... Thank you. I am so sorry you had to pick it up.... Take care of you !
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I understand that pain & sadness so well. When Tim passed and I was cleaning out a closet (not even his) I can't tell you how many bottles I found. He even hid one in a old rolled up exercise mat (clever guy). I always told him that he didn't have to hide them, as I knew he was drinking. I tried to make him understand that I wasn't ashamed of him either. But he didn't get it. That's what broke my heart.
Once in a while I find another bottle, and it makes me angry. I try not to be angry at him. Sometimes I can't help it. I've been struggling a bit with that feeling lately. I have to remind myself that I am really more angry at the disease for taking the man I love. Time to go back to the meetings & remind myself of Step 1. Much live and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It belongs to the new neighbour who just moved in. Since finding them originally I have silently REFUSED to pick them up, understanding this is NOT my mess! Normally there is no activity in this area of the properties and I've had no reason to meddle with the bottles. But with the new neighbours situation we are locating property stakes to ascertain boundaries. I feel it is out of respect for the new neighbours that I removed the waste from the property. 