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My wife & I had our weekly marriage counseling session. She is so angry at me right now and I really don't know why. I'm guessing she is displacing some of the bad feelings she has on to me? If yes, do I just ignore this? Or do I try and talk it out with her? I'm not even sure that is an option.
Our counselor encouraged a 21 day rehab facility for my wife after I shared with him that she drank again last week. I don't know, maybe that is why she is mad at me. Anyway, surprisingly she didn't say no, but she didn't say yes. She thought about it long and hard and said she would need to think about it. I was very surprised.
Anyway, I'm not sure how to deal with this anger she is directing towards me...any advice would be appreciated...
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it's not easy.
I'm not a therapist by any means but here's my take:
Yes she's mad and she's taking it out on you. However it may have nothing to do with you. I've heard that as people try to get sober and even after they get sober, many of the same behaviors persist.
If it were me, I would take care of myself. And I would do that by not engaging with her if she was being abusive. My W has been so mad at me so many times and now as I look back on it, it had very little to do with me. I believe it was her disease just trying to change the direction of 'the dance' and put me in a place where I was out of her way. In our relationship, she would get mad at me and I would back down and come to her aid.
I'm sure that anger is part of her recovery just as it is part of yours. But her anger is her anger. You are not responsible for it.
I wish I could help, or even give some comforting words.... but my ex-AW is over 7 years sober, and still is very angry towards me, so I eventually just gave up worrying about the "why"
My best guess - she is mad because of her predicament, the fact that she is an alcoholic, etc, etc, and she takes it out on the closest in proximity to her.... In my experience, many active alcoholics lack the normal social skills which might minimize or prevent these types of anger - who knows....
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My best guess is that, yes, she is angry that you outted her and her drinking. Somehow alcoholics find it in themselves to feel indignant that someone would suggest they need treatment. That's probably getting blamed on you too.
There's not a thing you can do about how she feels. If it were me I would just leave her with her feelings and her anger. Maybe she will come to the conclusion that her energy would be better spent by getting help instead of wasting it on blame.
Stay grateful to keep your spirits up :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
If her body language is anger...then most likely she's angry and then from detachment she can be respected to bring it up rather than to have it pried out of her. Love her anyway and if you have doubt about what to do?...don't do anything.
One of my most favorite slogans..."When in doubt, DON'T" works for me.
Keep coming back and keep yourself in the program. (((((hugs)))))
PS when an alcoholic says "I'll think about it"...find something else to do rather than wait.
Although I am not an alcoholic, I did grow up in an alcoholic home and have interacted with alcoholics all my life. I had picked up many of the traits of alcholism by the time I reached al anon. In doing y 4 th Step and checking my motives, I found that I use anger to manipulate and control everyone around.
I learned very early that:' Sulking, not talking, being uncooperative causes others to feel uncomfortable and they soon try behave differently and then I get what I need.
I no longer use anger this way but I have no doubt that many alcoholics and those sharing the disease can relate to this behavior.
I learned to change my behaviour and also to respond differently to others in my family who act with "manipulative anger"
I acknowledge the issue, own my part and move on Sort of like a 10th step. It works every time
Keep coming back. We are as sick as our secrets.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 28th of October 2010 08:05:48 AM
Thanks everyone, all of your words were very helpful.
Jerry F, I love "When in doubt, don't"...that's going to stick with me for a while. And I also love "when an alcoholic says they will think about it, find something else to do rather than wait"! That was great...!
Anyway, she had AA this morning. She was up before the alarm went off. After he shower she came back to bed. I rested my head on her chest and she started sobbing. I find I have these moments with my wife where the real person comes out--the one who is hurting, not the one who is lying and angry. It is encouraging to see.
I don't know where we go from here. I am really focusing on me though, as much as I can. And so much more than I used to. I've benefited from this program so much in the month or so I've been going to meetings...
I'd not try to figure it out...that's what you guys go to the therapist for. I find with my own marriage that when we were in counseling together, I'd wait for the session to talk about sensitive things...it was safer.
I can really ID with all you said...sounds very familiar except my wife doesnt' drink much. Her issues, while very similar to an alcoholic, are related to her family's issues with alcoholism.
I would let it go and treat her as you always do. I have to admit although I am not an A early in my marraige I did the angry thing without saying why I was angry. I wanted my husband ( he's not an A either ) to be able to read my mind and figure out why I was angry and apologize or make it better. He just went about his business to be frank he just wasn't going to play the game, and it was a game I learned growing up in complete dysfunction. So it got tiring after a while that he couldn't ot wouldn't read my mind and I couldn't stay angry forever it was too much work. So I had to figure out for myself that my husband doesn't read minds and if there was something on my mind I needed to verbalize it. That works much better Your wife will come around..... seriously being angry takes to much energy Blessings
I learned in program that it was okay to love my alcoholic and to hold her compassionately when she was sick and ill. I also learned that my hands were not welded together and I was to separate them and then let her go always. Even the doctors use to call me into the treatment rooms because I could do what they could not. How did it get to that condition except by my constant caretaking. She forgot how to take care of herself.
Hold her as she cries and then let her go. Compassionate touching is very reassuring. Learned that from the women in my life.
