New here - Al-Anon Family Group

MargaretK · Member

New here

Suzannah · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Maggie,

In life we all have choices...he chooses to drink...it is not your fault you did not cause it, you cannot control his drinking and you will not cure him of it.

The choice is HIS.

Meantime, you have a life. You only pass this way once and it is your choice to go through life being unhappy because he chooses to drink because your mind is telling you that you have no right to be happy whilst he is suffering.

May I repeat, you have choices too. You will of course be affected and sad and unhappy that he is suffering, but that does not mean you should feel guilty of any happiness that you experience or live through or comes your way.

What have you to feel guilty about? NOTHING.

In order to continue to live with your AH you need to do some self healing and living too. By that I mean you have to give yourself permission to LIVE and to chose a healthy living too, so you find happiness and you enjoy happiness where ever you can find it WITHOUT feeling guilty, or in your word hypcritical.

By accepting happiness you are building yourself up in order that you are able to sustain the trauma of living with the disease that your AH has self-inflicted. I stress, he has inflicted upon himself. For every action there is a consequence. His consequence of the act of drinking to this extreme is his ill health. The sad thing is YOU are sickening too and need to find good health too, and none of this means you are hypocritical if you find and meet happiness along the way too.

Furthermore, this family is a place of safety, knowledge, experience and caring that is well able to sustain you and support you as you make healthier choices and learn to rehabilitate your wrong thinking and responses to his self-harm.

You are worth it. You are in need. You are safe here. This Al-anon programme works if you work it. This family listens, is non-judgmental and non-advisory. It is a forum that shares and cares for each other and helps each other as they make their individual journeys to a healthier living and lifestyle without condoning the AH's behaviour.

Here you will learn how to put you first in a positive way and how to follow the programme and how to manage and change things in yourself in order to live alongside your AH for how ever long.

Maggie, you are worthy of happiness. You should not feel guilty of happiness. And once you are on the road to recovery you will understand that for yourself.

God bless,
Suzannah

-- Edited by Suzannah on Wednesday 27th of October 2010 12:46:41 PM

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Margaret

Welcome to MIP and Alanon
First of all we have meetings here online twice daily. I've no idea the time difference between US Eastern Standard time and where you are but if you go into the meeting room which is also a chat room open 24/7 and look at the meeting times you can figure out which meeting you may be able to attend.
We would love to see you in the meeting room

You are definitly in the right place. All of us here can understand like no one else what it is like to deal with, love, or live with and alcoholic/addict.
We too have run the gamet of feelings that you are having
Although I grew up surrounded by this disease it took my own beloved son becoming an addict to literally drop me to my knees and pray for help. 2 days later I was led to Alanon. I went because I hit my own bottom ( in fact I have hit bottom several times before fully commiting to the program) I thought it would be a place where people would tell me how to "fix" my son.
I found the program was for ME ! I didn't get that at all....since I wasn't the sick one ya know. Well.....truth be told I was just as if not sicker than my son by the time I hit the doors of alanon. But my first inclination was to leave...so an Oldtimer gave me a challenge he said "The program is free doesn't cost you a cent, work the program for 6 months and if you still feel you are not in need of recovery then leave and we will gladly refund your MISERY". UGH ! I didn't want to be miserable anymore so I stayed and never looked back. I will be here forever.
This is a very safe place for you. You will never be told what to do ( unless you are in danger) you will find Love and Support from those of us that know exactly how you feel. You will gain tremndous knowledge of this disease and how it works. And you will learn how to get "you" back. I think most of us had lost ourselves in our alcoholic/addict by the time we got here to the point we let our own needs, dreams, happiness, peace go by the wayside. You can get all that back weather your husband is drinking or not. He knows where to go to get himself help. If your husband wants recovery he will get to those meeting no matter how inconvient they maybe
Time to work on you now !
Blessings

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I have learned through this program that I have to detach from what is happening to my A, and let him live his life. Detaching means allowing him to be him and suffer his own consequences. I let go and let god (HP). I have had many days of worry, and I have chosen to not do that anymore. The changes in me have made me feel so much better. When I was sick with my codependency (which I still slip into some days)...I was just awful. I worried, I checked on him, I yelled at him, I was passive agressive with him, I gave him the silent treatment, or even made fun of him when he was sober about what he did while he was drunk. I was mean, I didn't say what I meant nor did I mean what I said. I was always apologizing later for my craziness. Now, I no longer worry, I have given him to HP and I keep my mind on me. If I falter, I remind myself to come back to me. I no longer check on him, yell, be silent, be passive agressive or do any of that snooping I used to do. I am not perfect, I have days where I do this, or more like moments now. And he slips too, and drinks or uses. But I do not react anymore. I am working on changing me, which is the only person I can change. There is this board, there is chat here at 9am and 9pm (not sure what time works for you there), there is the alanon website that has podcasts of meetings and shares.... And I know they have meeting listings on the alanon website for wherever you are in the world. I don't have time to go to real face to face meetings, so this board and my sponsor are helping me get the tools to be a better me. I am grateful .... take care of you!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Margaret...I will pray for you and your alcoholic husband as you both look for
relief from this potentially fatal disease. Welcome to MIP. The other Al-Anon member
may have stopped due to lack of membership and if you can still contact her ask
if she would meet with you still and pass on her experience strength and hope face
to face while you look for other support. Go to www.al-anon.org which is the World
Service Office for the Al-Anon Family Groups and ask them for information and help
in starting a meeting in your area. There is a need. Recently I viewed an international
news article featuring a drunk foreigner in China. It of course was sad because it
exposes what the mind and mood altering chemical can do to a person's life.

Keep coming back here for support....you are not alone anymore and don't have to
be. When he makes excuses for not getting to a meeting the whole family is in a
fix.

(((((hugs))))) smile

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome to MIP & alanon, Margaret. I will PM you some links for pamphlets.

We cannot control another adult and adults will do what they do - nothing u can do will change whether he drinks or not. You are not powerless over yourself and alanon will teach u coping skills for life, so that you can learn to deal and heal from this disease. It effects how we think and Im sure you can see this now.

This site has 24/7 chat and two daily mtgs in the room and the active message board. Come into chat and talk to other members in real time, who are either going through the same situation or have been through it. You are not alone. Alanon is about you and learning about your issues and your feelings and reactions, it isnt about him.

You have choices and you can get help and perspective for you, whether you decide to move or stay - it is up to you and what will work for you. We dont offer advice but share our ESH (experience, strength and hope for what has worked for us and others) and u can choose what you want to do and try based on what appeals to you. Recover is all about self discovery.

WE can only change or control us as individuals. When we focus on others, we lose us and feed the disease. Focus on you and determine what your true needs are versus the wants and fantasies and this makes it clear for us to define, so that we can learn how to get our basic needs met and how u can implement boundaries and learn to detach with love from solving or fixing another person's issues or feelings and other unresolved baggage. We can only do that -- feel- deal - heal for us. Attemtping to keep helping them (those who do not help themselves) is a sick issue of ours - control and we need to accept that we can only do this for ourselves.

Codependent enalbers and A's (alcoholics and addicts) both shift blame and are stuck in a victim's mentality. Blaming others allows me to be stuck and not change. The same way a resentment is an excuse to not change or forgive - it only hurts me in the long run, truly.

Glad u found us! It works when we work it, welcome home and I hope u stay for the miracle! You are not alone anymore, talk to us here - this is the appropiate place and we do understand.

oklahoma momof5 · Veteran Member

Hi Maggie,
I'm pretty new too, but I know what you're going through. You've already been given some great information by everyone. The only things I would add, are to suggest the book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews. That book was suggested to me when I first started here, and I got it from the library, although it's available online as well. It's GREAT. The other thing, as far as you feeling guilty when you are happy... there's no need. In fact, one thing I've learned from the book and also here, is that when we start to get better, they often start to get better too. When I let myself get pulled down into the darkness of his disease, neither one of us has a chance to get better.
Keep coming back to this site and try the online meetings. This place is truly a lifeline of support and love.
Best wishes!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome , we have a choice we can let this disease ruin our life too or you can get happy right where you are , meetings in your area may not be an option for you right now but there are meetings on line on this site twice a day 9am and pm eastern time or the chat room is open 24-7. you will find the help your looking for .
The choice to drink or not is your husb s alone there is nothing u can do about him, u can purchase literature on line that will help., I suggest the ODAT and Al-Anon how it works , the odat is agreat book for beginners has alot of valuable information . the book iscalled One Day At A Time = odat
Begging dosent work , tears dont work ,threats dont work trying to reason with a practicing alcoholic is a waste of valuable time on your part ,nothing works your trying to solve a problem that has nothing to do with you anything you do is bound to fail .the decission to stop is his and his alone .I would also suggest u go to our official web site alanonalateen.org click on english and then on the link that is called Pod casts its l ike being in a live meeting and there are several topics u can choose from .. good luck Louise

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((Welcome)))))))))))))))))), <hugs

First of all welcome sister, if you can not make face to face meetings this is a awesome place to be. There is much love, hope and support here.

You are not alone, alot has been said, just remember we are here for you.

With Hope,
Andrea

MargaretK · Member

Thanks to all of you who replied. You all had some great advice and comforting words. I tried a meeting yesterday but my electricity went out in the middle of it and I lost my Internet connection. I'll try again! Luckily the time difference is exactly 12 hours so I can participate in the morning when the meeting is at night and vice versa!

It's very touching to find people who do understand. It seems sometimes there is no one to talk to. Thanks everyone for being here and for taking the time to reach out.

I will try the 24 hour chat line and see how that works. I will also try to pursue the meeting here in China. To tell the truth I don't like the idea of having to through this program, but there must be a reason. I have a strong faith in God and he is the one who gets me through, but as a friend told me, I have to get help from people who know how to deal with this situation and how to help ME decide what's best for me. So thanks again for your experience and wisdom. You are great!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.