The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been really working hard on keeping my head on me. I have realized where I have let people walk all over me or where I have become the victim in a relationship. I tend to allow people who know me to either control me or I become the caretaker.
In the business I have on the side of my regular job, photography, I have a partner that I let join me. She then proceeded to take over every single aspect of my business. But, I let her. I didn't stop her. I tried several ways to let her know how I felt, but I never got the words out and I always backed down. Now I am working on how to actually have a conversation with her where I don't back down. My sponsor is helping me with the words to say. I have a problem where either I come off way to harsh, or I just let the other person have their way. Its one extreme or the other. Sound familiar?
The changes I am talking about are the fact that I can see all of this now, where as before alanon, I blamed everyone else for my pain and resentment. I know now that I have to do the changing, I have to take the stand and say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. I have to allow my bf (the A in my life) to be himself. I do not place expectations on him anymore. I pray every day for HP to move in his life as HP is moving in my life. I pray for HP to speak through me with my actions. And it is working.
BF's mom has gone back to alanon and is no longer harrassing him or me :) BF is actually changing too! I don't want to speak too soon. He is in therapy with a drug and alcohol specialist and is working hard now.... I think his mom cutting the apron strings (finally, he is 30!) has helped him, but also that no one is doing the co-dependent dance with him anymore is helping him too :) Knock on wood, I don't want to say too soon that he is all better, for I know I slip and that he may too... But getting back to the road of recovery is getting so much easier for me. I may slip for a bit but I am able to come back and get on with things.... I thank you, humbly, for all of your beautiful shares. I thank my sponsor for her words of wisdom. I am learning about forgiving the past. and I am learning that today, just for today, I can make it through :) Thank you all!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
One of the hardest things to do when we start to change and identify the changes we are enabling in ourselves is to be really hard on ourselves for the things we feel we have let ourselves and others down in the past.
The past is done, you cannot change that so it is best to not guilt trip ourselves over those mistakes.
So, you let your partner walk over you when you were not in a position of strength. Now you are in a position of strength and you are acknowledging things that you would like to change.
Sometimes change is painful and it takes guts to confront and do the changing. Depending on your approach and how you chose to confront that situation from the pass will determine the relationship you will have with that partner in the future.
There is nothing wrong in saying that you are unhappy with the way the partnership is working out and that you feel you have lost a lot of your control of the situation because you allowed her to take more control than you feel comfortable with. And equally there is nothing wrong with you sitting down and asking that you both look at the situation and MUTUALLY agree a comfortable arrangement now that you are in a position to give this the attention that it deserves and you deserve.
When we are having a confidence crisis it is easy to simply let the stronger one of a partnership dictate or rule. Now that you are more confident and growing in health and have a respect for yourself, you have a perfect right to suggest a revamp of the business arrangements for the future.
In the meantime, look at how your BF's mum has changed the situation between her and her son simply by changing something in herself.
That is what has happened to you. You have changed and grown and you need to take back some of that control for your own peace of mind.
Great to hear all of this progress. Keep on keeping on and you will turn what has seemed to be a no win way of life into a win/win way of life for you and all around you.
God bless
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Thank you so very much Suzannah! It always helps to hear another perspective on things, and I am completely in agreement :) You are right, what happened in the past does not have to happen now. Last night when I spoke to my parnter about the business I was able to say that I disagreed with her on some points where before I was not able to say that, thinking I would "hurt" her feelings, and look who got hurt instead! I am going to be taking my power back... or gaining power I didn't have before I guess is what it really is. THanks :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Thank you for your powerful share. I so enjoy seeing the miracles of this program as new people arrive, start to use the tools and new light bulbs begin to lite up.
Your actions clearly point out the importance of the 3 As
With your new Awareness, and Acceptance the new positive Actions are sure to follow.
hi, hey I used to run from conflict too. I thought about your situation.
Here is what I would do. I would say hey name/partner I feel I have not taken a lot of the responsiblity of my venture here. This is what I need, then be succinct and clear about how things will go. You could even type up something to hand her to go over. Keep it unemotional and simple.
You could even thank them for all they did. And again go over the plan.
Hope this helps. I have learned to think about me, and what I need or my side and not say you did this or you did that.
I also learned if anyone is mad I stay quiet, let them rave on, get it out, then say may I talk now if they are calm. Usually it is over a misunderstanding or they feel slighted about something.
I had to face this stuff when I had a teen son. Being a single mom could be tough.
You sound good! Lots of progress in your recovery. love,debilyn
-- Edited by lyndebi on Wednesday 27th of October 2010 11:51:41 AM
Could totally relate to your share. Before alanon ( and even still sometimes ) everything was Black or White with no room for any shades inbetween. Only I was probably more like your partner (sorry lol) and had to take control of everything. And God help the person who tried to take that control away. In hindsight though I have found it was a false sense of control..... at work, home wherever I thought I was controlling everything but reality people just didn't verbally stand up to me but in the end they did what they wanted anyway. Thats why I call it a false sense of control. After working the program for a while sheesh it was such a relief to let that control go (most of the time lol). I resigned my postition as CEO of the universe and let people go about thier business and make thier own decisions. Whew that was a huge weight off my shoulders. For you, you are kinda on the other side of the coin and need to find your own voice so other people are not running your life. It sounds as though you are on the right track. I mean really the worst that going to happen if you voice your own choices or concerns is the other person may disagree with you. They may be like me Black and White You can help them see all the different shades of gray inbetween and all the other beautiful colors in the spectrum Blessings
Xeno, I think my partner is just as you were, and loves to control everything, that is why she took over so easily.... It will all work out :) I am positive that I will find my voice... Thanks!!!!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Aloha Sunflower Girl...Marvelous and Miraculous recovery growth. You have kept an open mind and found help and xray vision. You have awakened and your understanding as Betty has mentioned is perfectly clear.
You are a miracle in progress. Thanks for bring it back because that is sooo important for others to know "it works when you work it." (((((((hugs)))))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 27th of October 2010 01:18:36 PM
Thanks Jerry! It really does work, I think the change in me is amazing ;) I am not perfect, but I am progressing :) My sponsor recommended that I bring it back here to show it does work... I post on good and bad days... I think that is important :) Thanks again for all of your help !!!!
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Sunflower and Suzanna...I totally relate to this post as well. I continually assail myself for choices I made in the past that turned out bad etc. I have a hard time forgiving myself. Mostly because some of the problems are now out my control although I still am faced with the continued consequences of my decision. Ouch this hurts. I am working on myself and hope someday that it will affect these bad choices and give me more savory alternatives.
