The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello. My name is Brooke and I have just recently been introduced to al-anon. I am twenty years old and I have been dating a drug addict ( he is addicted to perscription drugs) on and off for the past eleven months. He is my first and only love. We have gone through so many struggles together. He has relapsed countless times and it completely broke my heart. I didn't know how to deal with it so I just yelled and cried and made him feel horrible. I have always a very nice and caring person, but every time I found out that he has used, my heart drops and I feel like I have been hit by a truck. After four months of us dating, he went to a rehab facility and a sober house an hour away from his home and from me. He would take a bus two hours (an hour added on because of all the connections and stops) once a week to visit me and although the distance was hard, things were going great. He was clean for six months when he decided to move back to his home. He relapsed two weeks ago and has been using almost every day since. We are starting the cycle of day-long breakups and tearful "forhiving sessions" all over again. I have brought him to countless AA meetings, thrown away all his drugs that I could find, and threatened to tell his parents that he was using, all to no avail. I know that this was wrong but I have no idea what I am doing. He is the most amazing, caring, wonderful person I have ever met, but when he uses he becomes a liar and is not himself at all. We went to two meetings in a row today and he found a new sponsor. He really seems willing to get clean again, but I am so scared it won't last. I have no support from my family or my friends because all they see him as is a drug addict. Nobody knows that he has relapsed because I know that if I tell them, it will only make things much, much worse. I feel so alone and really need some advice and support. If anyone here can help me, please do. I have been praying like crazy every day for courage and strength, but I can't do it alone. Please help me if you can. Thank you for reading this.
You are in the right place. I know those heavy-hearted feelings so well.
Keep reading the message boards, go to Alanon meetings and/or attend the online meetings, learn as much as you can about addiction. Those in Alanon understand the hurt, pain, and anger felt when we love an addict. Here we can heal by working the Alanon principles, and support each other by sharing our experiences. You no longer need to feel you are alone. We try to refrain from giving advice, as we know that only you can make decisions regarding what is best for you. The principles take time to understand and practice, so give it time and patience.
It seems the best chance for relationships are when both are working a recovery program... regardless, I found I need this program with or without the addict in my life. The behaviors you mention are common among addicts and you are correct to be aware this is affects you. It has helped me to think of addiction as a disease- something that the addict cannot help, except by working a recovery program. Keeping in mind that we didn't cause it, we can't cure it, we can't control it- Alanon teaches us to focus on ourselves, no matter what is going on with the addict. I have come to learn that talking, pleading, ultimatums, etc does not help, and, in the long-run, has had a negative impact on me.
Just as Alanoners practice principles of our program, those in AA who work their program are practicing theirs. This means progress, not perfection. There are likely to be slips, especially early on.
It took me many years to come to the conclusion that I cannot do this alone- I am happy that you realize this early on! Praying is a wonderful tool!
"I have no support from my family because they see him as a drug addict."
He IS a drug addict, Brookie, and no amount of pleading, crying, yelling, hoping, cajoling or throwing away his drugs is going to change that. In short, there is nothing you can do. It is his albatross, and only he can remove it.
So.....we come to you. Alanon will hand you the tools to control your reactions, so that you can live in peace whether he abuses or not. AlAnon will help you understand your role.
Meanwhile have you considered taking your life in a direction away from him?
Best wishes, Diva
-- Edited by Diva on Monday 25th of October 2010 02:03:12 PM
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Brooke welcome and thank you for your post. Please get yourself to alanon meetings, we have them on line as well twice a day. Educating yourself on addiction would be most helpful to you as well, I know it was for me. 1. You did not cause it, 2. cannot control it, and 3. cannot cure it. If love cured addiction there wouldnt be anyone addicted right? Please read as much as you can and these boards, as they are filled with alot of experience, strength and hope. Glad you found us :)
*We went to two meetings today ?* your boy friend is a big boy he dosent need you to make sure that he gets to meetings .. you need support for yourself in Al-Anon , we cannot keep them clean and sober nor is it our job to do so, when we are obsessed with other peoples lives we have none of our own the best way to support our loved ones efforts at sobreity is to have our own program stay out of thier way and step aside so they can grow up and take responsibility for thier own stuff. and we dont have to leave the relationship to do that we just have to mind our own business . Please find meetings for yourself .learn what to do and what not to do in this situation , seems i was doing it all backwards , were enablers and until we stop doing what were doing nothing will change . If we want change we have to be willing to create it , it only takes one person to change and we cant wait for them to see the light .. don't share his stuff with family or friends they dont understand al-Anons do and they listen and will share thier own solutions with you .. Leave him to AA and let Al-Anon take care of you
I can only say that I agree with Abbyal... Take care of you now :) I know the struggles you are going through, my bf has taken pills, alcohol, etc. and I have learned to live in peace I must keep to my own self and not harrass him about it. I stay out of his way, I don't advise, gripe, expect, cry, whine, yell, scream etc anymore. I have found that snooping and doing those other things made me so sick that I realized not doing it made me feel better. I slip some days, but mostly I am making it.... I feel like a different person now. ALanon and my sponsor have helped me see the light in my own tunnel.... Courage to change the things we can... that is all we can change. Ourselves
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Hello and welcome You sure found the right place in Alanon. Please keep going weather you bf is using or not. No one is going to give you advise unless you are in a dangerous postiion. We learn here from others experiences and working the steps. It is a life long disease so get yourself comfortable here My son is an addict, just a little older than you and this is what I can tell you...... Addicts lie....doesn't matter if they are using or not. When my son talks to me I have to assume everything he is telling me is a lie unless my eyes and gut tell me different I needed to separate the disease from my son. My son is also amazing, loving, humorous, atheltic etc..... his disease is none of those things. He loves us as much as his disease will allow. But until addicts find recovery nothing and no one will come between them and thier next high never ever. I know that sounds harsh but thats how this disease works. Does the addict want to be an addict? Of course they don't. They have hopes and dreams just like the rest of us but thier disease sabbotages them every time again until they truly seek recovery. Do addicts deserve love? of course they do. No one is going to tell you to leave your boyfriend. But you will learn the difference between love and enabling I love my son uncondtionally, would die for him....but I hate the disease and can't let myself enable his disease anymore and with that brings very tough decisions my husband and I have had to make. Bottom line keep getting to those alanon meetings...they will help you in ways you never thought possible. Educate yourself about this disease. Knowledge is power If your plan is to stay with bf than you will need all the support you can get. You can't expect support right now from people who don't understand this disease, what you are feeling and what you are going through. Alanon will provide you with that. And yes of course your parents will see him as an addict, that's what he is. And that's not what they want for thier daughter. So just work on yourself for now, getting educated, going to meetings and working the steps. Forget dragging bf to AA drag yourself to alanon. He knows where to get help, he doesn't need you to hold his hand. His disease is his to own and his recovery is also his to own as your recovery is yours to own/ I wish you all the best....please keep posting and keep up updated Blessings
