The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just need to talk about my children. Everything is changing. I have stopped being this meek little person that allows my children to run over me. They don't like it. There are constant battles. I can't wait until the day when we actually have one day without chaos. Yeah who am I kidding. I just wish my kids were calm. Its so loud here.
I guess its true, my kids behave poorly because of me and the poor choices I have made. This is what they suggested in church today. I get so tired of attending a church where I feel judged and condemned. Perhaps it isn't them, but me.
I pray for the strength to be able to focus on my strengths and not my weaknesses or my past.
It is diffucult when children are involved. I know I am doing the best I can. I do feel guilty for focusing on my AH so much.
I guess that I have not been using the tools very well when it comes to people in my life other than my AH.
So I will use these tools to deal with my children, as they have been affected by the disease of addiction/alchoholism as well.
That's a little depressing, especially when your fellow church members pretty much tell you "we never subjected our children to disaster like that", that's why they don't act wild like your children". "They've been thru so much." or I like "the subtle remarks about my "lifestyle" in the past.
I don't want to put myself in situations where I fell so damn oppressed. How do I stop this cycle of feeling like a charity case? or victim? I know I acted that way in the past, so why won't these people just let it go? How do I unteach people how to treat me?
Yes its none of my business what they think. But what I don't like is remarks made about my children and my parenting skills.
I am grateful that I have been able to use this program with my AH because it really works, and now it is time to move forward to the other things that bother me, because it is not all about him, it is about me, and one other major problem for me is how to get along with people and not wear my heart on my sleeve. I get my feelings hurt so easily.
Sometimes I feel like I have no one. This MIP board really cares. You guys have been kinder and warmer to me than people closest to me.
Thanks for listening. I know I can come here and won't be judged or condemned. But treated with understanding.
I had to leave my AH and move in with my father who is an A. I haven't ever shared about him before because his behavior never really bothered me. Here lately it has. I just feel so trapped. He is getting older and my children are getting on his nerves because we are so loud. I feel so out of place at times, like no one wants us around. I feel like a burden to my dad. Here I am 36 and still live at home.
I feel resentful because it was like I was thinking: I can learn to deal with my AH then everything will be okay. Now I have to do this with everybody. I feel like I'm surrounded by sick people all the time. I just feel like I'm constantly dealing with behavior after behavior after behavior..............
Good grief. Just reading my earlier posts you would think I was a different person. I just wonder what the heck happened. Progress not perfection, but I want to be healthy every day.
-- Edited by kath on Sunday 24th of October 2010 09:18:16 PM
Hi Kath , the only way I know how to do anything is one day at a time , just for today I will not holler at my children is where I started , then I made up another one just for today I will hear what my kids are saying to me .. it gets easier we all made mistakes with our kids dont beat yourself up none of it was with the intention to hurt you were doing the best u could at the time now your changing what u see is a problem . As to those who make the remarks u posted here ignore them and stop telling them whats going on in your home if they have no amo they dont have an opinion .. Talk to Al-Anon friends and asponsor and if your not attending meetings for yourself please make an effort to do so , u need support from people who understand not people who judge your every move. A sponsor is a gift this program gives freely someone to share your fears with to talk things out with and go home with a solution . Yeah our kids have been hurt not just by the alcoholic but by our behavior as well , all I know is when I stopped hollering and arguing with my sons they calmed down too . so just for today . good luck Louise
Thank you. This weekend has been rough. This morning I have not yelled at my children to get up after I had to say it five times. I appreciate the posts on this and the gentle reminders to take this one day at a time. I spoke with my sponsor last night. I will find a way to attend more meetings. I realized this week that I do have that awful habit of just telling anyone who will listen about what's going on in my home, as if it's their business. I have always felt an obligation to tell people to get their approval.
I have learned in my experience to not give out information to those who I know would hold it against me. Those who could hold it over my head and do what you are saying. WIth my kids, I have to take a step back and realize I did the best I could at the time. I am learning to put boundaries out there with my kids too, and other people as well, for what they can say and do around me. There was a time I didn't do that at all. I wanted everyone else to feel good. I am learning to take care of me. And by doing that, I take better care of my kids. I have found that changing what I can in me, has made all the difference and asking HP to help me work on what I need to is the way to go. I know what you are saying about seeking approval. I did the same thing for the last 35 years (my whole life). I guess the codependent ways I had before were my total downfall. I was addicted to the feeling of depression, sadness, anger, and to taking care of others and not myself. I am learning to accept me... eventually I will learn to love me.... One day at a time. Just for today....
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Wow I'd find myself another church lol. I have been to chruchs that you just described and have been judged and put down. Honestly my husband and I found a church which I seriously feel HP led us too. That the people are so accepting and supportive of EVERYONE. We have addicts in our chruch, people who have been to prision etc and they are all loved equally. Our son is our A and he is prayed for every week. We have never heard we were bad parents, or how could we let our son become an A? or where we must of gone wrong etc that we heard elsewhere. But seriously these people aren't living your life. You are doing the best you can and the only one powerful enough to judge us is HP period plain and simple. It is soooo easy to look at faults or what we percive as faults of others so we don't have to look at our own lives. You think these people judging you have a perfect life? Highly doubful. So they direct thier energy on you which is much easier. My favorite saying is what you posted What other people think of me is none of my business Right now I am the one living my life, working my program to the best of my ability. If thats not good enough for some one ... too bad. Of course then I also had to learn not to judge others lives too. They too are doing the best that they can with what they've got. I don't think you said how old your children are but as you learn and grow and get healthy in this program they will too. It may take time but they will see changes in you. I wish you the best in recovery Blessings
