The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
1. do you talk to your parents/friends about your A? Many of my friends know. I have just told my parents about my AF because of halting wedding planning and not being able to take it any more. They are very supportive and care about both of us, but especially me (which is nice, of course). I'm sad though because I wonder if they'll end up not liking him because of this, which isn't fair to him. Also afraid that if I still do end up marrying him, all eyes will be on him and whether he's drinking, and people will think I'm making a mistake because they hear "alcoholic" and think "bad person/loser" which isn't the way I think of him at all. 2. Do you drink a glass of wine in front of your A partner? I haven't since I asked him to be sober; I think that's the best way but then I also wonder if long-term it makes sense to make me responsible for him in that way. What are others' experiences with / views about this? 3. Is there a way to search the boards for topics like these? I don't want to keep posting new threads if everyone has already been there, done that. Thanks for your help
1. For me, I told the friends who were close enough, and whom I felt I could trust.... I didn't want to bad-mouth my A around town (well, most times, lol... there were definitely some times where I DID want that). I would say that I didn't go out of my way - either way - to tell her story or not tell her story.... I hid it from my parents for many years - they live a few hours away, and it just didn't seem necessary to burden them with it.... I did tell my A's mother when she phoned - my A was in a treatment center, her mom was calling and bugging, demanding to know what was going on.... I finally broke and said that she is in treatment for alcoholism - my ex - Mother in Law was aghast "how did that happen"??? The funny part is that both of my A's parents are untreated, active alcoholics, who drink till they pass out almost every night.....
2. This is always a tough one, but for me, once I realized that my wife had a serious drinking problem, I could no longer justify drinking with her.... For one thing, I was hoping/pleading/expecting her NOT to drink, so thought it would be not very supportive for me to drink while I was expecting her not to.... The other thing is that my kids were very young, so I felt it was important for them to have one positive parent figure in their lives, and they could see what the "bad juice" did to their mommy. I didn't touch a drop for over five years, and really didn't miss it.... I am now back to social drinking, but certainly don't overdo it.... The way I see it - alcohol has caused enough destruction around me - I simply don't have a high tolerance for drunks, or people who really want to get drunk, etc...
3. If you go on "search" and then click on "advanced search", you can either search by keyword or by post-er...... it's not perfect, but it does help.....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
We are in a pretty similar situation... I was happily engaged to a weekend drinker, planning to get married this February, when he moved in with me two months ago, changed his work schedule one month ago, and I realized he was a daily binge drinker! 12-15 beers like yours. Realized I could not ignore it, and now wondering if I should go ahead with the wedding. Heart wrenching!!! =(
I will tell you how I have handled the first two questions.
1) I have told my parents, quite simply, because I still depend on their advice and even more on their emotional support. I trust them, and I need them. They are 2000 miles away, so no worries about awkward visits, plus I know they will not judge him, because he doesn't abuse me. (They have some understanding of alcoholism and I respect their view.)
Acquaintances, neighbors, even lots of friends, no I have not. I feel like it's none of their business and telling them amounts to gossip.
I told a wise friend in the state I used to live, who does not know him. Again because I needed her support for myself.
I also told my sister in law who is local, because a) she was noticing the tension between him and me, and more importantly, b) I know I can trust her not to judge him, treat him differently, or make him feel uncomfortable.
I think it's always wrong to say things that will ruin another person's reputation. But if there is danger of physical harm (that was the case in my last marriage) I had to finally speak up and get help. I hated to ruin his reputation but again, I didn't trash him publicly, but I did get the law involved.
2) Personally, I don't drink around him. My last husband was a recovering acoholic, or more likely a dry drunk, for 13 years. He never did fall off the wagon. Early on I drank around him once, and I personally felt wrong and guilty about it. I don't feel the need or desire to drink, so I didn't drink around him, or my current man. Partly to be supportive, and partly because, like Tom also said, I've got kids and they need a sober caretaker. I don't feel like it makes me responsible for him at all. The way I see it, I am always dieting and sugar is my downfall. How would I feel if my fiance sat down and ate a huge piece of chocolate cake but wouldn't let me have any? Sure he has every right to do it, but I think it would be unkind. That's just me, though.
Bring up anything you want. Believe me about everything is repetition. This is what makes MIP so special, new ones remind us of things we learned and shared and we relearn them again.
It also reminds us how to respond, and we share those feelings with you.We all learn from each other.
It was no secret for me to tell. It was very open and apparent. When my loved ones said anything, I would say, "I am in Al Anon, I have learned that addiction is a disease."
Of course if they worry or not is out of our hands. It might be best to share things with another person who is in Al Anon, at meetings.
Our loved ones want to protect us. I can tell you, no one wanted me to marry my ex AH. They all loved him, were proud of his sobriety and in recovery. But they knew more than I did about relapse and the disease.
We have nothing to do with if they use or not. We cannot make them drink, we cannot make them stop. Us drinking a glass of wine is up to us. They are going to see commercials, see people drinking all the time.
It is not up to us to change our lives for their disease, which is another way of control.
Now it is also a matter of choice. It is not right or wrong. Myself, never drank or used anything. My A would not even drink juice as it was too close to wine. I sure did not stop drinking juice!
These are very important questions. Great to bring them up. And no there is no way getting to subjects you want to know about. BUT please never feel you can't bring something up! Like I said we all learn.
Some of us are very old here, some are very new and some inbetween. We all learn! Even though I no longer have an A in my life, the skills I have learned from Al Anon have made me a better person.
1) Only to my sponsor, on this board since it's anonymous, or in my AH's presence with his permission (in his presence with his permission = when I told my story at an open AA meeting). Personally, I consider it my AH's business to tell whomever he chooses - it is not my disease and it is not my business to discuss it with others. If I ever get questions, I try my best to refer the questions to my AH, rather than answer them. Once when my parents came over to help us paint our house, my AH left to go to a meeting. They didn't know he was an alcoholic. He told them right before he left. They asked me if they needed to not offer him alcohol anymore - because prior to that, they would always offer him beer or wine but he would decline. I told them that they should ask him, and I was really proud of myself. In recovery, I've discovered that I have problems with gossip. I hate to admit it, but I do. I gossipped a LOT before I got in the program, and in retrospect, I can see that it dragged me down. I didn't even know what I was doing was gossipping, but I was always telling people stuff and then having to say "please don't tell _____ that I just told you that." Then I would worry that someone would bust me. Ugh. There were many amends I had in my first 8th step because of gossip. In any event, I've had ask my HP to overhaul my behavior related to gossip because it was a problem for me - and therefore I do my best not to even get started down that path. If I go down the path a little bit, I find that I'm just "off to the races, " as they say. This is just me.
In my opinion, it does no good to worry about what other people are thinking. First, you can never really know for sure what someone else is thinking - and focusing on what someone else may think at some point in the future is projection. The only day that matters is this day - and on this day, you're supported! :) Second, the opinion that matters is YOURS. If you decide that this is the partner you want to spend the rest of your life with, then that is the right decision for you. :)
2) My AH says it doesn't bother him if I have a glass of wine at a party. He says it's a drinking world and alcoholics have to learn how to be sober even when everyone else is drinking. I've been conflicted about this one. I don't keep alcohol in the house, but I have had a drink in his presence a few times. I never feel good about it, though. I have no plans to do it again.
You have told the family that is a good thing ,now find meetings for yourself and talk things out with people who understand , family doesnt need to know the nitty gritty stuff an 'al-anon member will keep your anonymity and no one gets hurt . Just ask families support in your decission to stay in the relationship tell them u are getting help in Al-Anon and for now yu have decided to stay right where you are. Out of respect for my husb struggle our sons have never drank in front of thier dad , I dont drink at all . Don't'worry about what others are thinking , this is your life , your decission
1/ I kept my AH's drinking hidden for years. I used to cover for him and make all sorts of excuses for his sudden "illnesses" and absences. However when I eventually "came out" and admitted what the problem was it was so liberating. I thought I would die of shame but it was amazing how many people said "I know what you are going through - my husband/brother/sister/uncle/friend, etc has the same problem" And I got a lot of support from people I thought would somehow blame me (I don't know why I thought that, but I did!)
It's not easy - as I say, it took me a few years but in the end it is better to be honest, psrticularly with family and close friends.
2/ I do drink wine in front of him mainly because it doesn't make any difference if I do or not - he still drinks!
3/ Don't worry at all about duplication - new people come to this board almost daily and even regulars may have missed a post. Also, it doesn't do any harm to be reminded that there are others with the same/similar problems and to read others' opinions about those problems.
Do come again - you are in the right place - we have all walked in your shoes!
I love what each and every one of you said. Something I'm really liking about al-anon (as a near-beginner) is the diversity of opinions you get, but also just how much love and acceptance there is out there from everyone, even if you don't agree on all the finer points. Thank you for being honest and sharing your experiences. It really does work! I can't quite believe it, but I already see how it works. A bit - early days! Thanks again.
1. I found everyone I eventually told about our sons addiction already knew. They were just waiting for me to bring it up. I don't feel the need to shout it to the world but only those who are close to us. And I am always clear on the fact the this is a disease and our son is sick
2, We keep no alcohol or drugs in our home and would probably not drink around my son but neither my husband nor I are much into drinking so this is not a sacrifice. I know many people who's spouses are in recovery and they may have a glass of wine in front of them every now and then. I can only guess that they probably discussed that senerio early on and came to an agreement that suited both of them. Reality is if an A wants a drink they will find one somewhere and it won't have anything to do with weather you drank in front of them or not. Reality is they are going to be placed in situaitions where drinking is going on and they need to learn how to handle that.
3.Sheesh don't worry about what you post here or if you are repitious. You never know if a new person may come in and totally relate to your post. I know I learn all the time not just from those who have much more wisdom and program time under thier belt. I learn from the new people that come in too. So don't worry about that
