The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that noone can really answer this question, but I was just looking for some different perspectives.
I don't live with my bf who has issues with marijuana and drinking. We have been together for like a year and a half. I have been going to therapy, attended an alanon meeting (plan on going to more), and am doing a lot of the reading. Many times I have taken a break from this guy due to his moodiness and tired "passout-iveness". He can't stay positive for long and often throws temper tantrums when he can't make me do or act like he wants me to. I am believing that a lot of this behavior is caused by his addictions.
My thinking is that we need to stay on a break until I can get myself in control and learn the proper ways to deal with his addictions and my reactions, then decide what I can handle. We always sweep this "addiction" issue under the rug and it doesn't get addressed very often, except for ending in an argument about how it "isn't a big deal". He thinks because he holds a good job, works hard and makes money, that everything is ok. There was one occasion during all of this time that he admitted he had a problem and took all of the alcohol out of his house. Until the next day of course.
Should I try to talk to him about working together or just leave us split until I can get my wits about me? And if I am continuing treatment, will he just take me back a few steps? We do have good times, but they are few and far between anymore.
When is enough enough? He wants to give me time and wait for me, but even if he does I might not want to go back.
Only you can answer you own questions and figure out what is enough to you.
I will tell you my experience though. My husband is an alcoholic. When I met him, he was a year into his sobriety. He had 9 years of sobriety until he had a slip last month. He is no longer drinking that I know. From what I am learning now, is that my AH was never in recovery. He had, and still has, displayed many, if not all of the behaviors of an active alcoholic, even though he is dry. He is moody, emotionally unavailable, controlling, judgmental, egotistical, and verbally and emotionally abusive (has been physically abusive in the past), etc. I have put up with 8 years of this crap, and honestly I am tired of it. I am tired of him not being there for me, not loving me for who I am, for being so darn abusive. I just found alanon on 10/08/10, so I am really new to all of this, but now that I am taking a hard look at myself, who I am, what my likes and dislikes are, I am realizing that I don't like AH so much anymore. I don't like who I am when I am around him. I don't like how I feel when I am around him. I don't like all the resentments I hold. The bad is outweighing the good, and it keeps getting worse. Divorce has crossed my mind many times in the past, and recently too. I am not sure where I am going, or what I am going to do, but things are starting to look a lot more clear to me now that I am on the road of recovery.
I wish you well in whatever you decide to do. Take care and keep coming back.
Kimmy
__________________
Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
My bf acts the exact same way as you described your AH.
I am trying to learn myself as well and think I am making progress like you are. Seeing who I am and if I really want to be treated that poorly. I really don't.
I'm glad to hear that someone else is feeling the same way as I do. Well, not glad for you. I'm sorry you are living with someone like this day in and out. I am very thankful that I am not that "attached".
My therapist has asked me many times what I even have in common with this guy, or what I even like about him. I never have an answer. Sad...
I think I went through a lot of anxiety about possibly leaving my now exAH because I was scared that maybe I was "wrong". Wrong about him... misjudged him...
Or "wrong" in another way. Feeling guilty that I had married this person and I'd grown to really dislike him. I'm supposed to turn the other cheek. "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health" and all that stuff. I was wrong to want to leave - a bad person because maybe I had misled HIM.
I can only say from my experience that it'll be abundantly clear when "enough is enough" - IF it ever comes to that.
I just know that my sponsor frequently reminded me to bring God into my questions. Take my "when is enough enough" question to God. Ask God to help me see whatever it is I need to see.
Please keep attending alanon meetings, they will be your saving grace no matter what your bf is doing. Learn all you can about the disease of additction, and in alanon you will learn new and better copings skills and behaviors to help you deal with addiction. It is truly a disease that effects everyone it comes in contact with. Wishing you the best on your own recovery Blessings
Thanks for the perspectives. I am still learning how to "have" a higher power. I am not much familiar with that type of thing.
As time goes by, I will know more, I'm certain.
It's not so clear, so I guess enough is not enough. I always think it is. Ugh. This is so hard! Comes back to whether I need to wean off him or go cold turkey...
