ok...NOW I am really stuck... - Al-Anon Family Group

rainbojo66 · Veteran Member

ok...NOW I am really stuck...

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry (( rain ))

I can only imagine how painful it must be for you to be away from your children and they are staying in a home where your role as thier mother is being downplayed and challenged.
Iv'e not experienced that in my childrens youngers years but I do know what it feels like to have your child reject you.
When i was going through my depression and agoraphobia my daughter ( my 1st born, my sidekick, the one person i always felt would never abandon me) turned her back to me claiming I was no longer the mother she knew, she was appalled, disappointed, angry, felt as if i had abanonded her, frightened... i could go on. But she vowed she would never return home and wanted nothing more to do with me.
I was completly, totally devestated to say the least to lose the love and respect of my daughter. I sank into an even worse depression. Until I found Alanon and started my recovery. I don't tell this story very often and the pain for me today is the same as on the day she left. But I share it with you to hopefully give you some hope.
I kept in touch with my daughter through emails, cards etc with her never responding but I kept at it. I needed her to know and she needed to know that she was loved no matter what. That was over 2 yrs ago, i have changed but she has no trust that, that change will last just as we hold off trusting an A until we are comfortable with thier recovery.
But I know this and it has become my favorite slogan Everything is subject to change
Little by little she now lets me into her life in very small increments. It is not anywhere near where i would like it to be but she has to work at her own pace not mine. And i would like it all back to normal like yesterday lol. But she needs to call the shots on this one. It may take years before she really lets me back into her life again so here i must have patience and it is sometimes so excrutiatingly painful i am sure i won't make it thru the day and that when i start my mantra of all things are subject to change until i am back at peace.
I can't imagine how hard the sacrifice it is for you to let your children go when they are not yet grown. But if you feel this is the best thing for them ( not you but them) then it is a sacrifice of love. They may not see it now but they will when they are older. I know again with the patience.
Your HP is with you every step of the way and while you may not see his will for you with your own eyes, his message to you can come in several ways, something someone says, listening with your heart until the answer is right in your head, maybe you will hear HP's voice talking to you in your head. he works in mysterious ways ya know.
In my experience, you had said that your children don't want to come home with you at all right now....enforce your right to have your children with you, show them you are ready and willing to fight to have them with you. This will stick with them forever.
After my parents separated I lived with my mom. we moved constantly so my dad couldn't find us. I never understood my mothers reasoning on that except she would tell me he was an alcholic. I was given the message from my mother that my dad had no interst in seeing me, getting to know me or be a part of my life. So naturally I felt abandoned.
I did not find out until just last year ( i am middle aged mind you) that my father was always looking for me, wanted ( although he was an A) to be a part of my life. Then i understood why we moved constantly my mother didn't want him in my life. Had I known that my father wanted to be part of my life, was intersted in me my self esteem would have been a whole lot better than thinking I had a parent out there who didn't care about me.
So fight for your children, they may give you crap as they are essentialy being brainwashed against you but they will ALWAYS remember that you fought for them
Okay i am rambling now and probably boring you to tears
Blessings
oh and p.s. i did not kick you out of the room today just wanted you to know that

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

If there was an agreement that they come back with you part time also, then what is stopping you from making that happen?

Since when do kids make these huge decisions, and what is making you listen to the father?

I am asking questions for you to answer in your heart.

In my experience, familiar, ever when it is tough is chosen. Just becuz someone does not want to leave does not mean it is healthy where they are!

Horses run back into a burning barn as it is familiar.

Separate homes are hard for anyone. But depriving kids of their mother, who you sound like a very loving one, to me is not a good thing.

Your post was beautiful. I do relate.

Hoping your kids are back with you soon. Ignore what they say, watch what they do. I used that a lot with my kiddos....(o:

love,debilyn who sends a snouter rubbing on your leg saying hello from Celie piglet

Oh and ps. I LOVE it when geese fly over me, I close my eyes and hear the wind made by their wings...heaven

Lyn0202 · Member

I know the pain you're feeling. My children (ages 13 and 16 at the time) chose to stay with their father when I moved cross country. The plan was for them to come with me, but after I already sold my house and bought a new one, they changed their minds. Even though I had primary custody, my lawyer said not to fight it because at their ages, the judge would let them decide who they wanted to live with. Needless to say, I was devastated, and very angry. I couldn't really speak to them for awhile because I would cry if I did. Slowly I began to realize that I could either stay hurt and angry, or I could accept what is and try to make the best of it. I HATE that I don't see my children every day, or every month for that matter. I see them maybe every other month. They are now 16 and 19 and are living with my ex (a good guy) and the wicked stepmother who they hate. I still can't understand why they chose to live there (I think they just didn't want to move). Although I am not a day-to-day mother to them the way I'd like to be, I try to be the best mother I can be and I feel we're still very close. If you can try to let go of the negative feelings you have, and just let things BE for awhile, things may turn around. The best advice I got was don't pressure them and don't guilt trip them. In your case, I would add, Don't be the mother their father is telling them you are. Prove him wrong. Give them time and take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up if they don't want to see you. I flew over 2000 to see my kids and on one day 1, my son said he couldn't have dinner with me because he had a date. I could have gotten really upset, or I could laugh and ask if I was invited too. I chose the latter (and I was NOT invited - LOL). We all hung out the next day. But that wouldn't have happened if I had chosen to feel hurt. My heart goes out to you. I still feel sadness but then I take a deep breath and do something nice for myself. No one knows what your HP has in store but I would say it's pretty clear that he/she is listening!

rainbojo66 · Veteran Member

Hey,

thanks for your warm shares. I appreciate all of that sharing...i know it's hard to talk about. I am trying to not keep it in, because...well cause I'll loose my mind. My poor donkey had the nerve to push past me out of his stall and I went postal on him. Not good. I don't usually loose my cool wth my animals, they are my guardians and keep my mind sane...
But he was immediately forgiving. animals are perfect, are't they? that I should be that forgiving...

hmmm..

I have to sing tonight. I was just thinking that on the forgiveness scale my dog wins, so I will spend tonight...trying to be more like my dog and less unhappy. lol

peace

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I have children whom I share with my exes. My first ex lives 700 miles away and only sees his son in the summer. They stay in touch though and I learned to not try to facilitate that relationship. My son (who is now almost 14), seems to be just fine with this arangement... my younger son is 8 and his dad and I share joint physical custody. I only get to see my son half the week. But when I do see him, I am sure to keep everything very normal and have routines that he has had all his life. I am not sure when you get to see your kids, or what your custody situation is, but my ex and I agreed that our son has to see the parent he was meant to see on the days that are mapped out in the divorce agreement. Can you contact your lawyer? Are your kids older or younger? Under a certain age they shouldn't be allowed to make that kind of decision. I hear you on the spiritual stuff. It can be so hard to see what to do... But I am learning to hand everything to my HP and I know that it will be taken care of. I do know you can be proactive though. You don't have to sit by and let your kids be taken from you.... Take care of you!

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