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I'm a newbie here, and this is my dilemma: what do you do when you set a very firm boundary, with clear consequences, and your partner crosses the line?
Background: my partner has had brief relapses that he's hidden from me. Invariably I find out. I am willing to deal with the relapses as long as he gets right back into his program. What I can't deal with is the sneaking and lying. Due to my own past history (infidelity and many, many lies), I have a low tolerance for this kind of behavior. It really tears me up inside when it happens. In every other way, this man is fantastic. I have never been happier. However, after the last relapse (about 6 months ago), I made it very clear that if he ever hid it from me or lied to me again, I would break up with him. He slipped up about 2 months ago and told me right away and got right back on track. Then recently he slipped up and didn't tell me, as per our agreement, and I found out. I really don't want to break up with him. He has made tremendous strides in his program and only slips up very briefly maybe every 6 months or so. I can deal with that. But now that he's crossed, my boundary, I don't know what to do. Stay with him and accept that lying is part of the package, even though it sends me into a emotional tailspin? Or walk now because that's the boundary I put forward? He feels that I am getting overly upset due to my own issues and that it's not really a relationship-breaker if he slips up and doesn't tell me, as long as he gets right back on track. I feel it's a HUGE breach of trust. We're going to counseling about it, but I'm out of town so that won't happen for 2 more weeks. Meanwhile, I'm really torn and very, very upset. I am going to get some help for my codependent issues but I feel like just because I have some emotional problems doesn't make what he did acceptable! Any insights would be much appreciated. How do you deal with the sneaking and lying and still stay happy?
I only had to read the first sentence of this to know hun, that you know the answer. If someone crosses a boundary you have set, and you have established a consequence inside of you...then establish the consequence or change it. The reason is, you have to keep your promises to YOU....that's the most important. Because then you know you can rely on you.
you know...boundaries can be reset! It's YOUR world lol...
I guess cause I was raised in such an extreme A home, I have super quick fast black an dwhite trtigger reactions. especially if I feel I am goign to be hurt, rejected or abandoned..I am quick like a rattler lol...and the thought that someone qould "choose" a substance over how much I love them, was devastating to me. I have learned to not take things personally. NOT ANYTHING. and I am using the THREE C'S of alanon every day. I didn't cause it. I can't control it and I sure can't cure it! (check yourself in there...you didnt CAUSE IT...so..you have no control over rectifying it! this is the truth. None of our situations are an exception!)
I know for me, I react in an EXTREME way to everything. especially at the beginning. Now I try and temper my reactions, and i try and see where I can be happy in ALL circumstances. (of course wouldnt stay in case of abuse! but I can manage most everything else FOR TODAY). But today, my happiness depends much less (Im not perfect!) on my partner or the people who are close to me in my life.
Stay in your today, be good to yourself...and try not to become "INSPECTOR LYN" lol...don't investgate him. Don't ANYTHING him....lol. Take care of you.
Loosing the thought that we can control someone's drinking...is REALLY HARD! But this is a good practice arena for you! See him as a teacher lol... Seems like you love this man...love YOU like you love him. First.
good for you for sharing this! I am new (august 8) and don't have any answers :) can only tell you what I have been told.
OMG, "Inspector Lyn" - you've got me pegged already! He calls me "Snoopy." I like the fact that I can reset the boundary, but I don't like the fact that this gives him the impression that I will be a doormat. My doormat days are over. I think I may have gone too far in the other direction and now I won't tolerate 'xxxx'. : ) I'd rather be here than in doormat-land, though. I am going to address my own continuing codependence (my last boyfriend had bipolar disorder....ugggh) and work on MYSELF. I know that's all I can control. I just need to figure out if "letting him off the hook" when he hides things from me is okay with ME - and if letting him cross a boundary is okay with me too. To my knowledge, he hasn't lied to me about anything else and is very trustworthy. Am I being to hard on him due to my own issues?
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 22nd of October 2010 11:25:50 AM
It really doesn't matter what HE thinks of your boundary and how relevant or fair it is.... What is the key is what do YOU think of it?? If you're in agreement with him (and it sounds like you actually are, based on your softening stance towards his slip ups, choosing instead to see the overall good he is moving toward) then fine - but I might suggest that you withdraw it as a formal boundary, if you're not prepared to follow through with the consequences...
I like how Rainbojo answered it - giving in on the boundary and subsequent consequences is about respecting YOU....
No judgment if you don't want to enforce it - preference would be to not have it in the first place....
This post is a great example for all of us in our desire to establish said boundaries - they are only effective if we are willing to follow through on the consequences.... If we aren't willing to do that, then they are only wishes, not boundaries.....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Well you have already been given great suggestions here I will only add this alcholoics lie....it's what they do unless or until they truly start working the program that teaches them new behaviors to replace the old ones. Ihave heard others say ( even a probation officer with my son ) that they "expect" relapses. wow that was all my son needed to hear to justify his relapses. I know relapses happen often actually. But to give an A the message they are expected to happen they are off and running with that one. I personally believe if the person is truly working thier program i do not expect a relapse. Boudaries that you set are for you not for him. And the consequenses should be immediate or else they will walk all over your boundaries. As you kind of seem to be on the fence with this boundary of lying, I would back off of it..just my opinion. I set boundaries right and left before i was ready or strong enough to follow through with them. Lying being one of them. Then i found lying is a huge part of this disease..I kept believing those darn lies and pushing out what i was actually seeing and feeling in my gut. So I stopped asking questions cause i already knew the answer. The lying was driving me insane as i would yell and bager my son until he came clean with me. But to what end. We both just became angry and all I learned was what i already knew. I had to accept as long as my son was/is an addict i had to accpet him to act as an addict until he could or would show me different. Once i accpeted that there was a lot more peace in our home. Hoping you are finding your own recovery in Alanon Blessings
One thing we always remind each other, don't make consequences we won't stand behind.
The A disease is crafty, soon as we do not stick to a consequence the boundary is moot. Disease has your number.
I watch "Intervention" more than once I have heard relapse is part of being an addict. I agree. Have always said this.
Part of that relapse are other symptoms besides just using. Lieing, manipulation, denial, selfishness... So his lack of telling you is manipulation. Part of the disease.
Also before they actually use the drug, be it alcohol, heroin whatever, there is a path to it.
So by making a boundary like this is almost impossible for the A to comply with. Is all part of the disease.
This is why for me, the answer was his disease is none of my business. If I chose to stay with him, the disease part of him, I had nothing to do with, and mostly just enjoyed his presence.
My income, home, vehicles, food, cloths whatever were all in my name. I took care of everything. He was very sick. Addicts are sick, no matter on recovery or not, they are dealing with a horrible disease.
He did his best to do his part, burned the burnies, built things, fixed things. Took turns cooking. If he worked I got most the money, though it was about nothing. He would lie and say they did not pay him. I ignored that, part of the disease.
I chose to live with him as much as I could, as long as I could. BUT when the disease got to where I could not, he was gone for awhile to mommies. He came back for a month or so. then weeks then days, then down to zero as the disease was bad, the horrible physical abuse was there from the brain surgery.
But the disease symptoms also made it so I could not live with him too.
I guess I believe we all need to remember, in recovery or not our A's are sick people. They will never be what we hope they will. Marriage to an A is not like the conventional type marriage at all.We cannot depend on them, their disease will get worse, faster for the ones who relapse more often.
They cannot be trusted. I learned not to trust or not trust, to accept the "as is" when it happens.
I hope this helps some. He does not do it on purpose or becuz he does not care. He probably wishes he would be in recovery forever. The sooner we learn not to take it personal the better.
Disease is physical, it is not a choice, it has zero to do with emotions.
Hi, Lyn0202! I haven't "met" you yet - welcome to the board, and glad you're here!
You've asked a great question and gotten great feedback already!
Here's my take. While it's perfectly reasonable to not want to live with active alcoholism, as Lyndeb said, a boundary like this one is almost impossible for a struggling alcoholic to comply with. Part of the disease is lying, sneaking, covering up, etc. An active alcoholic will always lie about drinking - and the fact that he lies has nothing to do with a huge desire to deceive the person he is lying to. It has nothing to do with the moral character of the alcoholic. In fact, the lies have nothing at all to do with anyone else and everything to do with hiding the disease so it can continue to exist. An active alcoholic is a sick individual, not a jerk that is intentionally trying to hurt someone else.
That said, even though I believe alcoholics are very sick and their struggle should be addressed with compassion, the family members of alcoholics are equally deserving of happiness, joy, and freedom. I believe that the family members of alcoholics are also very sick from the family disease of alcoholism before they find recovery. Whatever boundary you set to keep you happy, joyous, and free is a good boundary for you - and only you can decide what that boundary is. Resetting a boundary you made when you were sick because you've gained awareness that it may be impossible for an alcoholic to comply with doesn't make you a doormat - it means that you're growing and learning about the disease. Just the same, enforcing the boundary you previously set because that is what you need for your own recovery is also okay.
My sponsor suggested not to set boundaries until I was ready to enforce them. When I got into the program, I took down a few "boundaries" that I'd previously because I realized that they weren't boundaries at all - they were ultimatums designed to control someone else's behavior. It's perfectly okay to have a chance in perspective. :)
I would just like to add a bit ... and it is pretty much the same thing Rabbit said.
What I have come to understand, with the help and patience of my Al-Afamily, is that boundaries I place on someone else's behavior are doomed to failure. I can only hope to be successful with setting boundaries on MY behavior.
As I have heard many times, an alcoholic is going to do what an alcoholic is going to do. And no amount of begging, pleading or giving ultimatums is going to control that. So the real question is what am I going to do when they do what they are going to do!
Be accepting without judgement or resentment and anger, keep my serenity?
Or if I am unable to control my own reactions and give away my serenity, should I seek some form of detachment, physical or emotional?
