The material presented
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I've been to about 5 meetings and I guess I should keep going...
I'm just so confused about certain things, it's like a war constantly raging in my head. My ABF has been sober for almost 3 months, and things are going well. He's very active in his recovery and half of the time I feel guilty because so many people are dealing with what I was dealing with 3 months ago still and I feel like I should be grateful for what I have but the other half of the time I can't ignore how I feel.
It's so frusturating to me that he thinks because he is sober everything should go away. He says I should forget about the past because that's not him anymore but I don't know how to believe that. When he says I'm going here or doing this or I can't reach him or whatever I react the way I have in the past because past experience has taught me when this happens it means this...except it dosent anymore. And he says he's completely honest with me now, including things from the past, so I will bring something up and he'll say "yeah, this is really what was happening." and I'm like great so what else do I think is true that just isn't? And does it even matter anymore?
And when I say to him I feel like you're doing this because it happened before like this he dosen't remember. I've been learning he dosent remember a big giant chunk of our relationship where he was constantly doing and saying terrible things and when I feel a certain way it seems unjustified if he dosent remember that it happened before. and I spoke with a counselor who told me he should acknowledge what he's done to me and apologize for it and he said he's not on that step yet. And even when he gets to that step he won't remember what he's done. It makes me so angry that I have to remember every bad thing he did and he dosen't. And he dosen't understand when I tell him I don't feel good enough because he dosent remember pounding it into my head.
It seems like a natural defense mechanism. how do you tell your brain that when "a" happens it dosent mean "b" anymore? How do you trust someone again?
And he's doing a lot. when I tell him I need something in our relationship I can tell he's actually trying. He makes an effort, which wouldn't have happened before. And I read about how so many relationships end in a persons first year of sobriety and I know it's where we're headed if I stay on this road. It's not what I want.
I just don't know if it's possible to forgive and forget and salvage a healthy relationship. I know constantly questioning and arguing and doubting isn't healthy for our relationship and deff isn't doing anything to help him maintain his path. I just don't know how to stop myself from thinking I'm justified in my thoughts and feelings.
Hi Sarah, and welcome to MIP.... First off, please don't apologize for where you are.... your feelings ARE valid, and early recovery is every bit as frustrating and chaotic - for both your A and for us - as is the active drinking stage.... For me, that early time was even more frustrating, as now my A was "sober" per se, and very full of herself - very similar pattern to what your A is showing....
The answer lies in your focus.... try to focus on YOU and your need for recovery from all of this.... Get to Al-Anon, read great books on the subject, and start healing YOU and the damage that this stuff has done to YOU....
Trust is something that has to be earned over time, and most of us are incapable of just 'turning a switch' and accepting that since he/she is now drinking, everything is peachy.... A's tend to look at the world in very "black and white" terms, whereas most of us Al-Anons see a lot more grey....
I wish you well - please keep coming back..... share, listen, learn, read...... it will all help
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Al Anon teaches us to look at our own lives. The A's life is their own too. Just like our friends lives are their own.
What they do or don't do is none of our business. What is our business is can we accept others as is, and keep the relationships.
One thing that helped me was researching addiction. The disease is soooo much more than just using a drug.
When I learned about the lieing, manipulation, denial, the horrible guilt they feel I realized it was up to my A to figure out his own disease.
Did my A do horrible things, omg you bet. I had to learn to look at the man I loved, enjoy every moment I had with him, and back off when the disease took over.
Of course it hurts to know we are lied to, it is a symptom of the disease. They are NOT like a non A person, do not think like an non A person.
We don't know if they are using or not. I sure learned that. My A was maintaning on heroin. I had NO idea. He was more himself than I ever could have hoped. So horribly sad huh?
It's interesting to see that A's expect us to change once they get sober just as we expect them to change, too, once they get sober.
Like Tom said, your feelings ARE valid. When trust is destroyed it takes lots of time to be rebuilt. It's not going to just magically come back simply because the A's sober now. Sober doesn't mean trustworthy. The drinking is just a symptom of the disease. It will take time for the A to work through the program, and yes, he needs to take the steps in their respective order, and making amends doesn't come until step nine. Some A's have to run back through all the steps multiple times to weed out all the people they've harmed and make their amends.
The important thing for you, however, is to take care of yourself while the A is learning how to take care of himself. Keep getting to your meetings. Start keeping your eyes open for someone who might make a good sponsor and ask that person if they'd be your sponsor. Sponsorship is what really jumpstarted my recovery. It's important for me to have someone I can talk to who can relate to all the problems I've lived through because they've lived through many of the same problems themselves.
I had to dump one counselor who kept trying to tell me to make the A do things so I could feel better. It was completely conflicting information to what I was learning in Al-Anon. In Al-Anon, we learn to move forward with our lives... not wait around for someone to apologize to us or change so that we can be happy.
I am considering looking for another counselor to work with in conjunction with my Al-Anon meetings, but I really want to find someone who's good about keeping the focus on me instead of someone who's going to convince me I can manipulate other people in order to make my life better.
Hello and welcome , keep going to your meetings find a sponsor and share your feelings with her , the alcoholic in your life is never going to understand how his behavior affected your life anymore than u can understand his compulsion to drink and risk loosing it all .. Al-Anons get it they understand your fears can share thier own experiences with what worked for them in recovery . Alcoholics have black outs that is a fact reminding him of what he did in the past is an exercise in futility and always good for an argument . Your feelings are important and need to be shared but not necessarily with the alcoholic . Forgivness is not for him its for you so u can move on . enjoy sobriety you waited long enough for it . You cannot change the past but u can have a positive impact on recovery . Let go , talk things out with someone who understands .. Louise
