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This is my first time doing any of all of this. I will try to give yall the cliff notes to make everything easy. Ok, I am 25, my husband is 27, we have been married 5 years and have a 4 year old girl. We met when I was in the Marines, and he is still in the Navy, we met when I got hurt and was in the hospital, he took care of me. We dated 6 weeks, fell in love and then he got deployed. He has been deployed 3 times to Iraq, all of them very rough. He is a corpsman, a medic for a helicopter. He has seen and done everything, done CPR on a lifeless charred infant, a pregnant mother who almost has her hed completely severed off, every horrible thing u can think.
He has always been a party boy, but after each deployment he comes home, starts to drink, starts a physical altercation, then seperates from us. We just got back together about 10 months ago, but it has been completely different this time. We sleep in other rooms, never have sex.....etc. No we havent gone to counseling, we did that a while ago, but it made it much worse.
He got a DUI in January, and lost his driving privilledges. So now he is at home and drinks, and drinks, and drinks. His command has finally realized that he is an alcoholic, and now he has to go to AA 3 times a week, has group, and things are starting to come together, and he is starting to say yeah i have a problem.
He wants me to join a family group. But, the thing is, I dont think I love him anymore. He has been starting to hit me on a regular basis. I keep picturing what my life would be like if I had a real man in it. I cant leave though, I dont have the money or the resources. He told me that if I left he would make sure I didnt get anything, and he would make sure he would not pay child support. When we seperated this last time, he didnt pay anything, and I was dating someone else, whom he called his command and got the other guy in trouble, even though he was sleeping with half the base.
I am sick, and Brian know it. I just had surgery a month ago, they think they got all of the ovarian cancer. They removed an entire ovary. But, what if I get sick again and need someone to help me? My family are abusive and think that I am the one that is wrong. His family is all alcoholics and say that he is, but they say what can they do. The one that is purely innocent is my daughter. I just do not know what to do. Brianna deserves the world. However, when we separated we lived in a one room shack, and was in a very bad part of town where we were scared all the time. Here, we live on base in a nice home, 3,000 sq. feet, and we have food on the table. If we get divorced, I wont have any health care, and I might die, then Brianna would be left alone with him. I dont have any friends, because Brian wont let me. I am never allowed to leave the house.
Maybe everything will get better with his classes.
Please help, Alli
-- Edited by hazeleyes946 on Thursday 21st of October 2010 02:26:44 PM
Aloha Alli...He actually gave you the best suggestion you're gonna get and that is to get into the Family Group...you don't have to feel love for him and probably don't feel love for yourself and you will learn how to do that and lots of other positive things if you will go to the family groups. You have contacted a site where the majority of it's membership are in the the Al-Anon Family Groups and who have arrived under the same conditions you are going thru now. There is no guarantee of anything other than if you go and when you go and sit down, listen, learn, read literature, learn the steps and traditions and slogans and find a power greater than yourself or any other thing in your life solutions will come for you.
Also...there is no justification for violence. If that is starting to happen get the base commander or human services office involved fast.
My part in the disease of alcoholism is enabling. When I enable things get worse even when I don't want it to.
Welcome and keep coming back often. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome to MIP.... Jerry has answered your concerns very well..... Kudos for you in taking this important first step....
I think you'll find your answers as you seek recovery for yourself, in Al-Anon....
As far as advising - one way or the other - re: violence, etc.... I agree that violence of any kind is unacceptable, but also abide by a very good statement:
"nobody has the right to advise you to leave your relationship - not even your therapist"
Take care, and please keep coming back.... You are worth it
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm glad you found us and hope you are able to attend meetings in your area. Especially since your husband suggested it, (woot!) you can get out of the house!
You've found a worldwide family that will offer you support. I too agree with Jerry and Canadianguy in that violence is a unacceptable behavior. I'm sure his commander would not be impressed.
As far as you getting nothing, once divorced he would be mandated by law to pay support for sure. Try not to live your life in the "what if's". Heck, you could what if your life away. Today, you are OK.
Keep coming back, and I suggest you keep your visit here to yourself (so this doesn't constitute you finding a group). Opt for the face to face meetings, get out for a few hours and set yourself free.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
yep best advice he gave u was to go to group for yourself and he is just a bully telling you he will give u nothing I happen to know that the forces dont agree with his attitude and they will see that there is support his daugher and your entitled to half his pensions soooooooooooo dont let the threats upset you or scare you educate yourself as to your rights .. and i agree with the suggestion to get to the right person on base for help , viloence is totally unexceptable at any time . wont let u leave the house ??? at group u will find the courage to stand up for yourself and learn how to take care of you and daughter . If you cant leave now Bloom Where Your Planted .. get the focus on yourself so u can help your daughter ..
Thank you all so much for your help. You have given me some good ideas. I will try finding a group around here. I think he is starting to change a bit, since he told me to join an al-anon family meeting. He gave me the 12 step book and wanted me to study it. I hope once he stops drinking, he will stop being so aggressive. I am very lucky that he has never touched Brianna. When I said Brian doesnt let me leave the house, he doesnt have chains on the door. It is just when I leave for like church etc., he thinks I am cheating, and that starts the drinking, the the aggression. But, even though we live in a rural area, I am sure there is an al-anon meeting for family.
Oh, I am sorry for sounding like I have a bad life, I dont. I am very fortunate, I have a healthy daughter, and food on the table, and clothes on our back. I know this is just a glitch right now. We will find a way to get over this.
-- Edited by hazeleyes946 on Friday 22nd of October 2010 08:18:56 AM
Hazel :) Thank you for sharing this...wow. You know...I have seen over the last 15 years the most INCREDIBLE better than TV miracles come from folks who find recovery here and in AA.
Wait for it :) take care of you. Glad you found us.
Try not to apologise for feeling like crap and sharing it :) THAT'S why this place is here. It's not for our Polyanna happy days heh...you should see some of the stuff I have emotionally vomited here heh...
But the wisdom yuou wil get wil be all from people who have experienced the same emotional pain..and have come out better BECAUSE of it.
I can't even imagine the things your husband has seen and had to do while deployed. I know when my brother came home from vietnam he couldnt even talk about it for years and he turned to drugs big time. Became a heroin addict to get those memories out of his head. Having said that.. Violence is completly unacceptable. I live in a miliatry town so know a little about how the armed forces work. If you report him to his commander it is he who will be likely told to leave your home on base and he will go to the barracks. They will probably have him go to anger management classes on top of that. His threats of him not supporting you or your child if you leave are completly unfounded this i know for a fact. The Navy will garnish his checks for child support and such. Having been in the military yourself you know they do not allow enlisted persons not to pay thier debts. As stated above I agree get ot those group meetings. Weather you love your husband anymore isn't thie issue. This is a family disease and as you have a child together you will be dealing with him one way or another the rest of your life. Alanon will teach you new better ways of coping with this disease and you will pass those coping skills on to your daughter. One healthy parent is better than none. I understand your illness and fear about what would happen to your daughter should something happen to you. I don''t have any answers about that for you excpet prayer. And trying not to project the worse case senerio and think about the best case senerio. Please get to alanon meetings if you can it will be a life saver for you Blessings
It cannot be ignored what a dangerous situation you are in. When my now ex AH got abusive, I immediatly found a great abuse support group, very famous in Oregon.
I went and my eyes and heart were opened.
When one has been damaged by war, their boundaries have been severely severed. Their view of the world horribly destroyed. Coming back to non-war life is nothing we can understand.
My experience is abuse is primary. If they hit you, they will kill you. Proven fact. The line has been crossed.
Plus as I shared with you, a serene, healthy environment is vital to healing from any disease. You are so early in your healing. You need pure love, positive, healthy food, and expert care.
Please keep coming back. Many of us have experienced what you are going thru.
I cannot in good conscience support famly group or not. When abuse is in the mix, it changes everything.
PLEASE know we do care. We need you too. We love to give back what others gave us, so supporting you is that service.
I quickly read through all the replies to your post, and I did not see anyone suggest that you are in dire danger, and that perhaps your (and your daughter's) best interest may be served by getting away from the physical abuse. That part of his behavior does not get better; in fact, it could escalate at any moment, to cause your demise.
AlAnon meetings, Family Group, and all the rest are surely advised, but I would think your primary concern, for now, should be focused on getting away. There are places you and your precious daughter can go...safe places where you will be welcome. Your daughter is being subjected to violence that is going to affect her as she grows older and begins to interact with men. She may grow to expect the kind of abuse that has been visited upon her mother.
The horrors that your husband has experienced in war are not a bonafide reason for his treatment of you. Many. many men and woman have experienced the same, and do not come home and hit their spouse every day because of it. Please do not delude yourself in allowing this to be his excuse.
There is a better way, and there is a better place. I send all good wishes to you and your dear daughter. Take care of you and her.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi everyone,
