The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted on Tuesday that I was worried because it was AH bowling night and that guarantees alcohol. Well, it did. He also drank quite a bit yesterday and I did pretty good at avoiding confrontations and such. It helped that I had to take my girls to Girl Scouts so we were able to get out of the house for a while. Shortly before we left for Girl Scouts - AH gets news that a friend of his passed away. This amplifies the alcohol consumption and the effects of it as well. By the end of the night he's professing his love for me and that he is soooo sorry he drank when he said he wouldn't (blah, blah - I've heard it so many times ) He promised he wouldn't drink today - which I know better than to believe but I still hold a tiny bit of hope that "this time" he will really follow through. By 9am he was drinking. By noon, he is in bed sleeping it off. He will get up in time for the girls to get home from school but usually makes excuses to go to the store for something or another and will continue drinking through the evening. I am trying to be sympathetic to the fact that he just lost a friend but it is so hard. He says that he now knows he has to make some life changes (no alcohol, visit doctor, eat better, exercise, etc) but I don't have the confidence anymore that he will actually follow through with it.
Until he decides he's had enough and doesn't want to live the way he is living anymore, he will stay sick. The apologies and "I won't drink anymore" stuff from active alcoholics are surely heartfelt when they're spoken, but the alcoholic just doesn't have the ability to keep the promise or make the apology real with actions that back it up. The alcoholic's not a bad person (well, maybe some of them are - just like some sober people are bad), he is a sick person.
Better to not have the expectation that he will follow through. Then, if you're pleasantly surprised, great, and if not, you're not disappointed because you didn't expect a particular behavior.
The good news is that regardless of what he does or doesn't do, you can get support and recovery for yourself. Turn the focus back on your own recovery - which is something within your control. ;)
Wow, so interesting how differently this plays out for all of us. As I mentioned in an earlier post today, it would mean so much to me if my spouse acknowledged or apologized for the drinking. Others have pointed out that it is kind of meaningless, and I understand that it probably is. But I still feel like it would be a step in the right direction. So at least take heart in the fact that he is apologizing and is acknowledging it. I know that's probably hard to see but it does seem meaningful. I just ordered the "Getting Them Sober" book, check out the "So What Can We Do" thread if you haven't read it already, it covers the basic concepts presented in the book and I found it to be really inspiring. Good luck.
Aloha Sunshine...I have a suggestion which really helped me to understand and feel what my alcoholic wife was dealing with...It is a change in perspective.
In stead of using sympathy use empathy. sympathy means feeling sorry for and empathy means feeling sorry with. When I learned to feel my wife's struggle I then came to understand the battle she was in with this life threatening disease and the compulsion to drink even when she didn't want to.
He's in a major life threatening struggle. ((((hugs))))
Used to be - Don't feel alone. I am in the boat with you. Despite my AH having 3 months of sobriety, I have never received an acknowledgment from him of the hell, the hurt, the lies he put me and our kids through, nor an apology. It would mean A LOT if I could ever get that...
