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Forgive the double posts today, last night was a rough night. My wife has not acknowledged her drinking last night, despite it being clear to me and her parents that she was under the influence. I saw her briefly this morning before I went to work and after she got home from AA and she didn't say anything about it, just acted like nothing happened. And I've received a couple of e-mails from her this morning acting as if nothing unusual happened.
Do I just play along with this? Or point out what she did last night? I grew up with alcoholic parents and one of the most difficult things was everyone acting like nothing unusual happened. So I'm not sure how to handle this...I know she knows she drank and I know she probably feels horrible about it...
I would give ANYTHING just for a simple--"I'm sorry about last night".
It is a typical difficult situation. Denial and pretend instead of facing reality and dealing. It is true that everyone know the truth but with the long weekend planned fot he two of you it is best to go without hostility.
I have learned that I had to ask for what I needed and that if I could so without saying it mean I would be on the road to recovery.
You say a simple acknowledgment of the situation and " I am sorry" would do .
Sigh... I remember this oh so well..... brings back lots of not-so-great memories.... What I was told, over & over again, is what was the point of "catching" my A drinking? That is what they do.... to call them out on it, is simply keeping us enmeshed in their disease and their stuff..... and in doing so, it keeps them happy and comfortable (that you aren't changing).
The reason so many of us on here advocate the GTS books - is, in a nutshell, they teach us - "if you REALLY want to help your A, then get your focus away from them and work on your own recovery"....
I posted an awesome thread (by Toby) the other day, in which it reminded us of the "power" that changes when we no longer are engrossed in our A and/or their disease, and they can feel & sense that.....
My advice? Live your life, fully and to your capabilities - whether or not she is in it or not, drinking or not.....
Easier said than done, for sure, but baby steps...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Well I would guess any apology on her end wouldn't really be sincere. She may be sorry she was "caught" but thats about it. You already know she was drinking and you did the best thing by not acknowledging it. What truly would be the outcome of a confrontation? an argument? more lies? empty apologies? Get the focus back on you and move on. Just on a side note and not that your wife is doing this but I've known many a A who say they are off to thier AA meeting and in reality are off to the bar. Thier are just so many senerios you can make this instance out to be...but to what end really? Focus on you and your children. Your wife is going to do as she pleases....in all fairness to her and all A's deep inside they know and understand the chaos and hurt they are doleing out. They don't need any reminders. When she really starts working a program you will get your ammends from her down the road. But at this point she is still in denial, trying to control her disease. Blessings
I know that denial well, and how it sucks me in. Having learned more about healthy detachment I think there is a difference between "La la la, nothing's wrong as long as nobody acknowledges it" (unhealthy denial) and "Something unhealthy is going on, and the only way I can deal with it healthily is to put the stress back on making my own life good."
But is does feel weird to me not to acknowledge that something damaging happened -- that elephant in the room thing. However, if we wait for them to acknowledge that it happened, that puts all the power in their hands, not to mention that we could be waiting forever.
I think if I were in this situation, I would try to say something calmly with detachment like, "The drinking is really hard on me. This is a big challenge for me to deal with. I'm going to [go to an Al-Anon meeting/take some time for myself/call my sponsor/whatever]." And just let go whatever reaction she may have, whether it's defensive, stony silence, blaming, tears, whatever.
That's just what would help me feel I'd acknowledged the elephant and moved on. Everyone's solution will be different. In the long run, we have to do what's right for us and helps us to get our life back under our own control.
Thanks all, very helpful as always. Xeno, I have actually wondered if she's going to the meetings but even if she isn't I don't worry that she's going to a bar as her meeting is at 7am! hee hee...
It's almost impossible sometimes to not acknowledge it when it is so in your face. I went to bed before her last night and when she came up she stumbled into our room and woke me up. Then proceeded to pull the blankets off of me (not to be mean, just because she was impaired). Then after a minute in bed she got up. I should have just let her go I guess but I asked her what she was doing. She said she was going downstairs because she couldn't sleep. I told her she had only been in bed for a minute. She said it again, I reminded her that her parents were visiting and that she would probably disturb them if she went downstairs. She insisted she wanted to go downstairs, I said "fine" (should have said that from the beginning). Then she couldn't get the door open and that was apparently quite funny to her. I told her again to get into bed and she finally did.
Anyway, I didn't deal well with last night but I was really at the end of my rope. Hopefully a learning experience. I just ordered Courage to Change & Getting Them Sober...
I know that story all too well. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and married an alcoholic - and was later divorced and married another alcoholic.
I always thought that an "I'm sorry about last night" would make me feel better after a night with any of them drinking and acting dumb. But now, I really ask myself - would an apology really even change anything? Why do I need someone else to acknowledge what I already know is true? I can validate my own feelings, I don't need to ask a sick person to do it for me.
I heard many apologies for various things from the alcoholics in my life. I believe they were all made sincerely - as sincerely as an active alcoholic can make an apology. I know the alcoholics were aware of the fact that their disease was affecting those around them. I believe that it causes the alcoholic great shame and anxiety to know this, and the alcoholic really and truly means it when he says he's sorry and won't do it again. And then the disease takes hold and the disease is stronger than the person's sheer willpower.
All this is really just to say - if someone's an active alcoholic, it's not logical to expect logical behavior from that person. What purpose would hearing an apology serve? When the alcoholic refocuses on their sobriety and works the steps, they will make a list of people they have harmed and make amends for their actions. Until then, an apology, no matter how heartfelt when it's spoken, is just ultimately empty words because the same behavior will keep happening.
Just my .02.
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Thursday 21st of October 2010 01:05:26 PM
I've learned that it's fine to speak what's on my heart so long as I don't have any expectations attached to that. I can say "look, I'm hurt by what was said / what was done" but I cannot expect an apology. It might never come.
On the flipside, I've received many an apology from my exAH (not requested from me, he apologized of his own volition), but I also learned that just because I received an apology doesn't mean the behavior is going to change. "Talk is cheap", as they say.
My sponsor always urged me watch the behavior more than listen to the words, as the behavior is what really tells the truth.
I am sure that most of the time when my A apologized, he probably really meant it. But he didn't mean to CHANGE on top of it.
Another thing my sponsor suggested to me frequently was to ask myself "what is my motive?" when I wanted to discuss something heavy with the A. It really got me to pause and examine to see if I had a lot of unrealistic expectations attached to my plans to speak up. If my motives looked anything remotely like "I want him to change so I can be happy" then I chose not to speak or to let it rest until one day I felt I could speak without the expectations attached.
Your body language already has said it all. Alcoholics and addicts are true masters at reading our body language and on top of that they know that we know and do the shame and guilt thing to themselves real well.
I use to use the meetings to help me detach...just go for yourself and not because she did, didn't, may have, may have not, can, can't, will or won't drink again, still, never, forever etc etc etc.
She has a life threatening disease and it is using her as a carrier. That is soooo terrible and worse considering that it brings her and the whole family down. Form a group and go to a meeting. If the others won't go...of course go for yourself by yourself. You'll be taking care of yourself.
