The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have had another case of a ruptured ovarian cyst that has put me out for almost a week. I called out of work the last three days, and felt terrible guilt for it. I have been working on my guilty feelings, because I don't want to upset anyone else or make anyone else have to do my job... I work the front desk so its not an easy task to just take over. I know I am supposed to take care of me. However, that is very hard to do when all I do is sit and worry all day about how everyone else is handling the fact that I am sick. I had to leave my kids with my ex-husband while I was sick, I live an hour from him, so I had no way to go get them. I feel awful mommy-guilt that I missed out on having them the last few days.... So I came to work today and am now feeling really dizzy and waiting to hear from the doctor to see if I should be worried about that or not. I don't want to go home because my pay check is small as it is, now without sick pay it will be even smaller... SIGH. I pray for HP to see me through this....
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Your paycheck being smaller is really unfortunate. About the rest of the bad feelings, remember that happily no one is irreplaceable, by which I mean that the company can run without you for a week or two. They may have to rearrange things but they can do it fine. And sadly, companies are rarely as dedicated to us as we are to them. If push comes to shove, if the bottom line says so, they let people go. In return we certainly shouldn't endanger our health so their phones get answered a little faster.
What I've found, though, is that I have some chronic depression, like bad feelings just circulating around in my head about why I always fall short and why I should feel guilty. And then the guilt feelings look for things to fasten themselves onto. Everybody can always find something they "should" have done better, some way they've fallen short of perfection. Even if it means "I shouldn't ever have a serious medical condition." Those "shoulds" are whoppers. And we never run out of them, so we can always find an excuse to feel bad about ourselves! But -- I wonder why we need to. What would happen if we were all right as we are?
Oh man. Your paycheck may be smaller but holy heck girl I can only imagainea the pain you must be in. I know this probably wont help, but please don't feel guilty about calling in sick when you REALLY are sick. I was a manager for several years and I had a rule that if you were going to call in sick they could leave me a message but then had to call back later to actually speak to me. I know that sounds mean and I couldn't stop people from calling in sick but I would know when talking to them weather they were really sick or just wanted the day off. As others had to pick up thier work also. Those that were really sick I bent over backwards to make sure they were getting to the dr's if needed or offer to use one of thier vacation days if they had run out of sick time and even if nessasary to get them started on short term disability. People are much more important than any business and no business is going to fold because someone gets sick. So push that guilt right out of your head. As far as not being able to be with your children for a few days, that was likely best for you and them. I would imagine as how sick you were you wouldn't be able to care for them as you normally would and you really needed that time to take care of yourself. I don't know how old they are but I am sure you didn't do any irreputable damage to them by caring for yourself. Wishing you get better soon Blessings
