The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband who is in recovery and has been for 6 months keeps on saying that he needs to do for himself and get himself better. Well, i am working on myself also but i am scared to death that all of this is just going to pull us apart and ruin our marriage in the end. I really can't stand him anymore.
He acts like he is so perfect and has such a right to tell me how i am continuoulsy wrong. All the issues we have with our children are my fault, i aks for help around the house and i am just sick and need to handle my life differently. And it is on and on and on. I try not to be confrontational and i try to talk to him about things but it just ends up in a fight where i feel even more a mess than before the discussion started. Then of course, he doesn't know if he can handle me anymore and needs to protect himself from things that bother him like me.
And i am sick of hearing that i never ever do one thing for myself. he actually told me that i complain about my weight but all i do is sit around and stuff my face at night.
Why does he think he is correct about everything, perfect in every way and i am so so wrong???
I don't know about you but I find it much easier to look at someone else and their problems than REALLY work on mine. Sounds like he's not focusing on the right thing.
All you can do is keep your side of the street clean and work on you AS YOU SEE FIT (not for anyone else or because of anyone else).
When my AH started talking along these lines I always just walk away and stop listening. That boundary has certainly changed his tune.
We are human not perfect and in this program its progress not perfection. No one is perfect and guess what, that's a good thing because that gives us lots of potential for growth.
Alisonf...I can relate to parts of your story. I had a significant other who rode me about everything...even though he had many issues of his own...not an A, though, but probably a rage and control addict. It took me 6 years to finally leave him and I am so glad that I did that for myself. My interactions with him over this modeled program, thank goodness. I was kind to him. After a while, I realized that nothing would work with him as he rejected me on every level. But he wanted to control everything about me. He was one of those 'angry and controlling men' who kept hooking me back in. It took a lot of work on myself, and utlimately, courage, to make such a big change. I hope you find your own solution because I'm not saying that you should do as I did. At least your DH is in AA!! There is hope for your marriage even thought it's tough going now. "Keep Coming Back".
Let Go and Let God....Emily
-- Edited by Emi on Wednesday 20th of October 2010 12:28:37 PM
-- Edited by Emi on Wednesday 20th of October 2010 12:29:46 PM
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Gratefully recovering today with the experience, strength and hope of my fellow travelers.
In my relationship each of us working on ourselves helped us so much. We didn't stay together - but it wasn't due to lack of or success in our individual recovery, but a difference in lifestyle choices. When we were working on ourselves our relationship was at it's best.
For me, I often learned from my exA. He has almost 2 decades in recovery and he has a lot of experience with the tools. I tried to implement those and it worked best when he didn't tell me what I had to do, but when I saw it working for us and tried to emulate it. Like using "I messages" when communicating. He would tell me I needed to do this - for a long time - but his messages still started with "You need to . . ." or "You are . . . " and once that changed to "I feel . . . " it was easier for me to grasp and work on myself. I have a LOT less time in recovery than him and when he stopped expecting me to "get it" overnight, things improved drastically. Him using the tools and seeing them in action was easier to understand than being told where I was doing it wrong. If he stayed on his side of the street and worked on himself it made it easier and was a better example of how I should do it too. His recovery was his and I needed to stay out of it, and he needed to stay out of mine. But when we both started using the same tools it was a beautiful thing. The discussions of recovery and how we each felt about them as individuals and how we were implementing them - without pointing fingers or giving advice - were some of the best recovery discussions I have ever had. We all grasp things at different speeds. We can not have expectations about anyone else's recovery.
It also helped to not worry about the future and where recovery might lead - just focusing on practicing my new tools in today and seeing where it leads one day at a time made things easier and allowed me to be more optimistic about the future.
Hope that helps!
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Hello Alison yes it is possible to stay married to a sober alcoholic , is it easy NO . early sobriety is rough on everyone , you need support Ihope u too are attending meetings for yourself ,we have a part in this mess and need to find out what we are doing to cause US problems , them we cant do anything about . Taking each others inventory pointing fingers is not condusive to a happy marriage , husb and I made an agreement to not do that -its so much easier to look at others faults and ignore our own . Thank God for sponsors , talk things out with her first before I open my mouth and ruin a perfectly good day .now that takes alot of practice hehe.. I had so much anger towards my husb ,I couldnt talk to him about anything with out breaking into tears or bringing up the past , communication to say the least was non existant . cival was about all we could manage . I heard a speaker say take your problem to your sponsor or a meeting and come home with a solution ..that works for me . and itseems once i have talked it out I dont really need to talk to my husb , I just wanted to be heard. Your life has been affected by someone elses drinking and you too need to recover , recovery was described to me like railway tracks that run along side of each other for miles but eventually they seem to cross and join together , so as long as your both going in the same direction two programs you have a chance ..Our book Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage is awsome , it discusses the drinking years , sobreity and communication it helped me alot . and can be purchased at meetings or local literature depot . take care of yourself , lower your expectations of those around you and you will be just fine . Please find meetings for yourself . your worth it Louise
