New here! Very Overwhelmed and not knowing what to do!!! - Al-Anon Family Group

alisonf · Newbie

New here! Very Overwhelmed and not knowing what to do!!!

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you spoke to him about this?

When I was overwhelmed I would tell AH I needed help with "whatever." From my experience with an AH in recovery, they are even more tunnel visioned, they have a strict routine.

Part of beign an addict is being selfish, they have to work on not being.

There is nothing wrong for asking for what we want and need!

So when he tells you to do for you, do you suggest he watch the kids on whatever day or night you need to go out? Or can you look for childcare and go with him sometimes? Or get childcare and go do your own stuff?

Just because we are married to an AH does not mean they cannot take half of the responsibilities. He probably does not even think about it, needs to be shared with.

Men in general are not made to have attention to detail. It is a scientific fact. I would sit down with my AH and say can we figure out a schedule so I can go out too?

My AH and I, well he is now ex ah, used to take turns making dinner. I loved that.

Anyway welcome!! There are meetings right here in the chat room. HOpe you can make it! hugs,debilyn

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Alisonf,

Understand- been there!

It is great that your husband is working his AA recovery program and taking care of himself.

Now, it is your turn to find time to take care of yourself, too. I felt left behind when my exHA started his recovery program. I wondered who was going to take care of me. I knew I needed help too. Then I realized that finding a way, finding the time is something that I had to do for myself. I am so glad I did!

Him being in recovery hadn't made things better. I have come to realize that I have to change too- with or without him.

If you cannot make it to face to face alanon meetings, come to the meeting online. Learn all you can how this disease affects us. Addiction is baffling, cunning, and powerful. This program gives us tools and different perspectives that will help. It doesn't all happen overnight, so give at least several meetings a go.

Glad you are here.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Alison and Welcome to MIP

You certainly do need support, understanding, empathy and have come to the right place to receive it. Living with the DISEASE of alco holism without the support of alanon leaves us feeling lost, unhappy, unheard, invisible and worthless.

I am so glad your husband is seeking recovery and now it is your turn I know it seems impossible to set aside a few hours a week for yourself Your schedule sounds very busy but remember you are important . Your mental health as a parent and partner must be nourished and developed.

Alanon meetings can be found in your community Look in http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htmlto find one in your community.
Just as only your husband must find and use his own tools of recovery, we who have shared the painful journey with them must also finds and use our own tools of recovery

Here on this Board and sharing in alanon meetings.,you will connect with others who understand, learn new tools to live your life in a positive fashionand increase your self esteem . Your recovery from the disease of alcoholism can be found here and in the meetings Please share the journey.

We do have on line meetings as hs been suggested and that is helpful too

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Another resource for you is the book Getting them Sober which is offered at the top of this page. I do highly recommend it and I am glad you are here.

Maresie.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

It is always about them unless we speak up and ask for what we need, expecting them to notice were on overload is an exercise in futility . If you need another meeting in your week ask your husb to skip one so you can attend for yourself . by your silence he is assuming that what hes doing is ok with you.. asking for what we need in difficult I know but he is sober now and may just hear you , they dont want to hear that were overwhelmed that is considered whinning .. ask him for what you need . perhaps u could find a meeting durring the day when your kids are in school take care of you no one else can ..this is truly a selfish disease even with 20 yr s of sobriety I occasionley have to remind my husb that there are two people in this house its not always about him .
I recomend the book Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage , it has stories on early sobriety ,touches ever subject we as couples face in recovery and also agreat section on communication seems we don't do that well get the focus back on yourself and you will be fine . Louise

-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 19th of October 2010 07:30:33 PM

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I totally relate!! My AH's time in recovery is much like this - meetings, meet with sponsor, go to the gym, do service work, take time for meditation, etc. All very good things and very necessary things. I, too, wondered - what about me?

It eventually occurred to me that I was sitting there not saying anything except "sure I'll watch the kids" and getting more and more resentful about it because he didn't notice that I needed time to myself as well. On the one hand, I did understand that all the things my AH was doing were recovery related and I wanted him to do those things. On the other hand, I was reeeeally resentful that he got time for himself and I didn't.

When I finally spoke up, my AH was happy to help. He'd tell me he was going to the gym, and I'd say, "Cool - and when you'd get back, I'd really like to go." I sat down with him and made a schedule for when I can go to meetings. Where I live, there are a lot more AA meetings than there are Al-anon meetings, so my AH can be more flexible with the times he goes to meetings than I can. I picked out a couple days that I wanted to go, noted that my meetings are at 8pm, and asked my AH if he would be willing to go to a 6pm meeting, or one at noon. He was actually very accomodating - I just hadn't given him the opportunity to be. I assumed that because he didn't read my mind and notice all by himself that I needed time for me that he didn't care. I don't think that's really how it was - just, like someone else said, he had tunnel vision and was focused on staying sober, and all he was thinking about was his own stuff.

Maybe this will help - not sure if you've tried talking to your AH. I just know that when someone asked me if I'd sat down and tried to work out a schedule, I had to admit that I hadn't. I'd just been silently growing more and more resentful.

Glad you're here! Keep coming back!

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Alison

Great that your husband is in recovery and working on himself. And he is right in telling you you should work on yourself.
Don't be afraid to ask your husband for what you need, he is not that fragile and he can't read your mind.
My spouse is not an A but I know when our kids were young i did all you are doing, working, taking care of kids an household, after school activities etc. I was just run ragged. My husband of course dod all the outside work on our home and played with the kids and such but in his mind as i was doing all this other stuff and not saying a word about it or asking for help he assumed all was okay. That I was doing okay. Because i never told him different.
Finally one night after stuffing all these feelings of being respondsible... I declared I was going on strike..it seems silly now and my husband asked "what do you mean?" i said " I am tired, i don't feel like making dinner, wahing dishes, helping with homwork etc if anyone wants something tonight you are on your own, I am going to read a book"
My husband said " if you need help why did you not ask for it? You seemed to have a whole routine down ( and I did) and it didn't look like you needed or wanted help"
So that was the message I was sending him... I did expect him to read my mind and of course he couldn't.
Big lesson for me...It's ok to ask for help. Not just from your husband but from other family and friends. If you want to go to an alanon meeting tell your husband to please be home by a certain time so you can go, ask a friend if they can watch the kids so you can hit the gym and offer to do the same with them when they may need a break.
We feel like we have to be Superwomen and we don't there is no shame in asking for help
I wish you well in your recovery
Blessings

alisonf · Newbie

Thank you all for your comments. I am trying to hard to do this but it has been so hard. I feel like i try to ask for help in a non-confrontational way and it always ends up in fights. He takes it personally and believes i am telling him he is not doing enough and then it turns into the i am the sick one, not him and i need to get help.

I swear, it feels like he acts like he is still actively drinking but isn't . The nastyness is the same and the selfisness is the same.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Early sobriety is hard, in my experience. It seems like it should be so wonderful because it's what we've wanted forever - but it's harder than I would've imagined. I believe that alcoholism is a physical, mental, and spiritual disease. When an alcoholic first gets sober, he's taking care of the physical part of it because the substance isn't there anymore. The mental and spiritual parts aren't easy and take a lot more time. In new sobriety, you have a person that isn't actively consuming a substance anymore but they're having to learn how to live sober and actually interact with people instead of getting drunk and shutting down. The Big Book describes how alcoholics are selfish and self-centered...I believe that's the whole problem. The selfish and self-centered part does not go away overnight when the substance is no longer present.

It is always easier to turn a situation around to blame someone else than it is to take responsibility. Alcoholics are very good at this - whether they are drinking or not. In our recovery as family members, we learn detachment. We learn not to take THEIR behavior personally, not to take the things they say as gospel, and that we don't have to argue if we don't want to - we have the choice to walk away and talk about it later.

I heard someone say at a f2f meeting I went to that her favorite sentence, in dealing with an alcoholic, is "you might be right." And that's all she says - nothing else to pick a fight or otherwise react. I tried this with my alcoholic mother and it worked well for me - hard to fight with someone who just won't engage. :)

Just my .02 - so glad you're here!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.