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So this morning AH and I are outside smoking, and out of nowhere he says to me "When I drink, and you get concerned that my drinking will get out of control, how would you feel if I just drank on the weekends?" This totally caught me off guard, and now I wish I would have answered differently. What I said to him was "I still wouldn't like it." He asked why. I said "Because an alcoholic can't control their drinking at all." He said "What if I am not an alcoholic?" I said "But you are." He said "But you didn't know me when I used to drink. What if I was using alcohol to self medicate because I wasn't on the right meds?" I said "What if you are an alcoholic, and also using alcohol to self medicate?" He said "Ah, dual diagnosis."
After I've had time to reflect on the conversation, what I should've said when he asked about what I thought about him drinking on the weekends was "If that is what you want to do, that is your business. It isn't up for me to decide." I guess what they say about hindsight being 20/20 is so true in this case. Ugh!
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
I don't know if there was any "right" way to answer that.... Seems to me like he was engaging you in very stereotypical alcoholic babble, saying "what if I CAN control my drinking - won't everything be okay then??" My experience has been that many (most) active alcoholics are seeking the bare minimum they can do, to allow themselves to stay in their addiction without too much disruption to their lives...
Personally, I don't think it's a bad thing that you didn't give him what he was looking for - and that was your tacit approval for him to drink...
Take care T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Ah kimmy your post made me smile this morning , I remember those stupid conversations we had yrs ago the alcoholic trying to control and make a bargin with me -- me trying to point out that they have a problem regardless , why I bit was beyond me but comming here to this program i finally learned to walk away with a simple You could be right and leave it alone . Your human and remember that hindsite is 20-20 none of us do this perfectly so let it go , trust me there will be a next time and you will respond accordingly . Louise
I think stating your honest feelings about the drinking, instead of trying to whitewash them, is different from trying to control him. He now has something he can think about: someone close to him thinks he's an alcoholic. It sounds as if you said so without getting angry or insistent. Sometimes pretending that the drinking isn't severe can be enabling. So I think what you said was very reasonable, myself.
I don't think you did or said anything wrong. Your AH is looking for permission to do something he gonna do anyway. It doesn't matter if he is an acholoic or not if his drinking affects you it is a problem. I would be mindful if he is on medications the effect alcohol could be very detremental to his health. I can't think of any anti deppresant or anti phsycotics ( spelling) that do not come without a warning of mixing meds with alcohol. But I am sure your husband has read the warning lables and knows the dangers. Basically, he will do as his pleases and there is nothing wrong with you letting him know that it affecting your life and you are attedning alanon. he knows this is a progressive disease and his "weekend" drinking will soon turn into a drink everynight after work and away it goes. Time for you to focus on you now no matter what your husband is doing remember You did't cause it You can't control it You can't cure it All you can do is take best care of yourself that you can and find your own peace of mind. Blessings
Thanks Debilyn! Your words that I am making progress brought me a sense of relief. I guess I worry too much about "getting it right". I am a perfectionist by nature, and that is something I really need to work on letting go of. As I sit here absorbing everyone's responses, I realize that I did the best I could giving the circumstances. Yes, I was honest about my feelings about drinking to him, and even though I felt like I was trying to be controlling, at least I realized it so I can work on it when I see it come up again.
Xeno ~ he is aware of the effects of alcohol and psych meds. That was another concern of mine when he started drinking last month, but I don't think he really cared/cares. What you said about his weekend drinking turning into a drink every night is what I wanted to say to him, but the way the conversation went, I was never able to get that thought out. I know that is how the disease works, and he even has said in the past that he knows that is how the disease works, but yet he is still trying to justify it being ok. I really need to work on detaching from this and stop worrying about what he is going to do, because no amount of worrying is going to change the outcome, whatever that may be.
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
and you will respond accordingly . Louise