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I need advice on how to deal with passive aggressive behavior. This is where my dh gets me most. He was sober for 15 years and that's always been his way. Getting pouty, walking out of a room, giving the silent treatment, baiting you with his comments to get you to engage or fight with him, etc. I've been doing a lot of reading but I really can't seem to get a good answer on how to actually deal with individual situations.
For exampe: today, dh came home from the dentist and found out that I had lost my son's Ipod and had bought him a new one with some money that both ds and I had put aside. He wasn't too happy but then I accidentally said something about how left his MP3 player on an airplane. All of a sudden he got surly and defensive and told me that I should remember that he got it back after calling the airline, etc. Well, my point was that people leave stuff in places and sometimes we forget(ie. I think I left the Ipod in a hotel but they couldn't find it for me). Anyway, he wanted to eat lunch but I was standing over the sink so I was obviously in his way. He said, "Well, you're obviously busy in the kitchen(I was just putting away the dishes, not cooking) so it's too much to have both of us in there so I'll just leave."
And, he didn't give me a chance to say a word otherwise and he stomped off to his office and waited for ds and I go to our homeschool group class. He's driving me crazy, drinking or not.
So, I got passive aggressive on him(I know, bad idea). He had hidden an empty bottle of gin in my yarn bin so I pulled out the bin and started to clean it out(I had already thrown out the bottle last week) and I left the bin sitting in the middle of the closet. I'm wondering if he'll say anything about the bottle or if he'll just be passive aggressive? We're supposed to leave for a business/work trip to Mexico for his company on Wednesday. OH joy: I get to spend 5 days with him. Lucky ME!
I really hate using this analogy, but alcoholics can be like dealing with five-year-olds in grown adult bodies. They throw tantrums, and try to do their best to get a rise out of you.
So, to that, I have to respond to that sort of behavior in the same way as a patient adult would behave with a frustrated child. Don't take it personal, don't lose my temper, don't engage in the behavior. Just quietly let them go off on their tantrum and do something GOOD for myself to take my mind off the incident.
It's hard for me not to fight fire with fire. When they get all passive aggressive on me, I can quickly play it right back. But all that does is keep me sick. I know in the long run that I'm not going to feel good about my behavior. Either in the form that MY passive-aggressive stunts get a rise out of the A, which then is totally MY creating a crisis. Or, the A will ignore my attempt (or not even notice!) and I'll just sit there stewing angry and feeling like I'd behaved like a child at the same time.
The important thing to remember is we have a choice in every situation: we can either do our same old thing and continue to dance the dance with the alcoholic. Or, we can choose to do something different that leaves us feeling like we did something good for once.
I can tell you in my own experience, passive aggressive behavior on MY part got me nowhere. It just kept me locked up in stress and resentment. It had to change because I wanted to change and feel better about myself.
I think Alhoa pretty much said exactly what I was thinking as I read your post. Remember to don't have attend every fight you are invited to. Let him have his tantrum or silent treatment as you go about your business and don't think another thought about it. He's gonna do what he gonna do. One of the best things i've learned here in Alanon was to learn how to react instead of just act. When you act you feel your back is aginst the wall and you need to do or say something to make it better, or in my case i would lash out. When i learned I could react i could take a step back, gather my thoughts before resonding and usually by that time i really didn't need to react. I also learned QTIP Quit Taking it Personally Hope that helped a bit Blessings
I agree...I never reacted real well with my alcoholic either no matter how much of a mindset I tried to build that I would not react...there I was...reacting until I got in more practice, practice, practice. Clean my side of the street and manage my own behavior only. Follow my value systems without imposing them on the alcoholic and using tolerance and forgiveness as a part of my character. I never ever won a fight with my addicted wives and partners. Changing was the best thing I ever learned.
Have a good trip and stay in safe places. ((((hugs))))
Thank you all for the replies. I do have to learn how to NOT take everything personal and I really need to learn how to walk away! That would help me most so that I can say: I love you but I don't like how you're talking to me. Come discuss this with me when you're more level headed. Thanks.
