The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am writing for ES&H on the kind of painful emotional distances that can develop in families impacted by alcoholism.
I love my younger sister dearly and yet despite my hopes that we would become best friends at some point, we have never been close. I keep hoping this will change, but we're now in our 30s and this pattern of profound emotional distance seems as entrenched as ever. I find it incredibly painful and stressful. We don't talk for months and when we do call or see each other we seem to have so little to to say to each other or what I do say just falls flat. I have tried all kinds of things to "jump start" a new chapter and to no avail, so I think I need to find a new way forward that feels better for me, but doesn't require this dynamic to change or resolve itself. I so wish for lively banter and laughter and closeness, but that just doesn't seem to be in the cards for us. I was reading advice on detachment with love this morning and I read the ES&H to love first and then detach (so the detachment is grounded in the love) and I was hoping for some ES&H on how to do this. I do want to visit on occasion and to send birthday cards, etc. (the grounded in love part :)), but I need to find ways to let go of the distress I feel of not having a warm, supportive sisterhood together. Any ideas?
My experience is that I go thru phases with my sisters. At different times in my life I have been much closer to one and distant with the others. I never really gave much thought to why that is. I think it probably is due to the fact that we are all at different places in our life and the connection and time, location logistics with one is more open to have that connection.
I know how hard it can be when you miss someone in your life and want to have the closeness that was once there. Just keep trying to focus on yourself, find and follow your interests and keep a friendly communication open with her the best you can. People always seem to be drawn to those who have their own interests/identity going on.
Not sure how much help I was, but I just wanted to let you know that I hear you and feel your pain.
I have a sister who's been an alcoholic since she was 16. Decades later I was still waiting for her to become the person she never was. I was expecting a miracle and found it very hard to let go of. Overtime I did grieve that we did not have the relationship I wanted. I began to see my expectation was off and ground into reality. Of course that involved a lot of grieving, anger, a sense of loss and anxiety.
None of us arrive to this work overnight. For some of us its years in the making.
My younger sister is still very much an alcoholic. There are no signs she is interested in sobriety. I no longer resent her, hate her, think I know what's best for her.
The issue that changed was me (my internal world) and my expectations of an alcoholic on any level.
