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Hi everyone, I'm hoping some others here can provide some specific examples of ways they detach from their partner. I'm finding it to be hard and rather than detaching I'm dismissing. Which is working well for me but not for her. I read someone else post about how they "detached with anger" and that is what I think I'm doing. And I know that is not the right thing to do. So if others can give specifc examples of how they detach with love, I would appreciate it. Thanks!
Not sure I 'm any good at this either...I just started to pursue my own interests, got out of the house more, went out with friends etc. I didn't reject the wife, just started planning things without her and tried not to be around when behavior was unacceptable.
Detaching with love for me took practice. When I first got into the program the meaning of detachment was hard for me to comprehend......... and doing it with love?.........maybe beyond my comprehension at the time. Did it mean leaving the room and walking away? Did it mean walking the dogs or did it mean emotional detachment? For me it meant all the above and more. I think everyone uses different forms of detachment, but for me I first had to get a hold on separating the person from the disease. Over time with practice, and I had and still do have many opportunities to practice, I was able to detach in different ways applying the first thing I was told when I attending my first f2f meeting....Always take care of yourself first.
For me it's not a perfect science, but when I detach, in what ever form I choose at the time, if I do it with love always separating the person from the disease, I save my sanity and my serenity and take care of myself first at the same time. I consider detachment a form of "Not Reacting" to the disease. When I have a choice of confronting or detaching I do my best to choose to later, and with practice "most" of the time I can now do it with love.
At the next meeting you attend pick upsome detachment pamphlets ,put them everywhere u can get at them quickly those little things changed my life and the page on july 14th in our ODAT daily reader together those were like a map to me on what not to do in my relationship with my husb. those guide lines have improved all of my relationships . Detachment is neither kind nor unkind It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching . It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another persons alcoholism can have upon our lives. Detachment helps families look at there situations realistically and objectively , therefor by making intelligent decisions possible
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people Not to allow ourselves to used or abused by others in the interest of anothers reovery Not do do for others what they could do for themselves Not to manipulate situations so others will eat , go to bed, get up ,pay bills , not drink Not to cover up for anyones mistakes or misdeeds Not to create acrisis Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
I heard a speaker say that if her husb passed out on the lawn leave him there , but turn off the automatic sprinkler .. that made detachment with love perfectly clear to me .pamphlet S-19
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 18th of October 2010 12:57:18 AM
Aloha Usetobe...Detachment is an artform with good understanding and practice. My first attempts with detachment were first with Anger which evolved into disinterest and then to love. All levels came with sitting and listening and talking with the old timers who had been thru the process themselves and knew the trail intimately and who were also guided by their sponsors and other old timers. Detachment with anger was the loudest most volatile and painful for me. I used the anger to provide separation but because I was still so addicted to my alcoholic wife I fought for whatever restraint I could manage which wasn't much at that time. Detachment with disinterest was the "I don't give a sh*t" period where I still had anger but more uncaring and compassionate treatment of the sick alcoholic. She could be (and was) laid up in the hospital as a "Jane Doe" and the only thing I needed was an answer to the question "where the hell is she" and nothing else but more blame and shame for her and her condition. I didn't suffer the stress of anger and rage and insanity. The final lesson which was the most intense learning phase was detachment with love. On this phase I wasn't involved in the trouble she got herself in or how bad she was hurting herself but I had compassion that she was so addicted that she would not choose sobriety before constant intoxification; wouldn't choose peace of mind, body, spirit and emotions before the constant chaos of alcoholism and drug addiction. I cared for her deeply and learned to allow her the dignity of her choices and the consequences. When he was physically injured and I was able to assist I would assist. When I needed to be responsible to myself and my life she had to work it out without me. It was tough on me and tough on her because as she once told me when I refused to be responsible for one of her mistakes..."But you always have..." When I detached...she paniced and then she started to take responsiblility which ever way she chose for her actions. It wasn't always good and then I wasn't always involved. I learned to love her (accept unconditionally) deeply and turn her over to a power greater than the disease, myself or herself.
Loving detachment allowed me to tell her "I love you" and then turn and walk away without looking back to see how she was doing. I came to imagine her standing within the arms of HP. She was safer there. Good thread...very good. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 18th of October 2010 02:04:20 AM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 18th of October 2010 02:07:10 AM
Hi Usetobe, I found detachment a really difficult concept, I tried it every which way, I did it with anger, I did it with indifference, I did it with contempt, and concete, and I never felt any happier doing it that way, but I worked through it, many times back and forth, and then I realised I was actually standing in judgement of someone really trying very hard and doing the best they could and I still wasn't happy, I was still not letting go completely and trying to hang onto some control needing to have that too because thats what I had always done, and when things started to change I started to struggle myself, I could always blame my shortcomings on my husband, and suddenly he really wasn't causing me any problems, he wasn't drinking anymore and I realised I had a lot of work to do on myself, I started to realise how detachment with love really worked, when I wasn't being affected by my husbands behaviors anymore, when I started to understand what people think of me is none of my buisiness, and theirs none of mine, anger for me was huge, I guess I wanted my husband to get better on my time line, and for us it seemed to happen when I thought I had truely reached my sick of being sick and tired faze and could truly walk away, then he put down the drink right there and then and has left it be ever since, four years now, I think it's taken me a good three years to greive and come to terms with all that was and to practice just being me, when my husband shares something which I don't really agree with now, I am not angry anymore, I don't feel responsible, and often these days just listening without passing comment is enough for me and it leaves it with him, and many times I am pleasantly surprised how he will often surprise me by talking alot more openly with me now, possibly because I am not waiting to pounce anymore!
I certainly struggled with detachment. These days I work in cooperation with a sponsor and discuss various situations and a way to process and manage them without being overwhelmed.
I'm not sure we detach to benefit anyone but ourselves. Traditionally when an al anon member starts working the tools, the alcoholic generally objects. They are used to being able to manipulate and control and are incredibly sensitive to change.
None of us are perfect, we try to do the best we can. For many of us coming into this program we have a 300 lb weight on our shoulders with chaos, confusion and lots of overwhelming emotions. Some of us have to start with the 5 lb weight rather than go straight to the 300 lb weight.
Practice detaching in the car, when you are cut off, don't take it personally. Practice on the small things and build up to the big ones. Practice helps, feed back (not from the alcoholic) helps and working with a sponsor is one of the ideal ways to manage this.
For many reasons I have not felt able to detach in the form of leaving my AH of nearly 39 years. However I have coped by:
Having my own bedroom (fortunately my daughter moved out 3 years ago so I have her old room) This is now my space where he is not welcome.
I gradually learned to make plans which did not involve him - e.g going on holiday without him, going out for dinner with son and daughter and her partner - not even asking him.
Going out with girlfriends - having a giggle and a good time
Continuing to work (I was going to retire last year but have put it off - it keeps me independant
Taking control of household finances - this was difficult because he always sorted out the finances in our marriage but I did it and I manage fine.
Realising I could get the car serviced, a new kitchen installed (not by me I hasten to add), work in the garden - all without heklp from him.
In other words I have learnt to be truly independant even though we continue to live in the same house. There is a bif financial reason for this - I would have to support him if he left and I simply cannot afford to run 2 homes.
Detachment is not easy but I found, in order to survive, I had to do just that - detach.
Over 2 years in this program and I still do not have detachment down right Just what you wanted to hear right? My son is an addict and Everyday moment of everday I practice surrendering him over to his own HP. However in one incident I did find compassion for my son I grew up surrounded by A's and compassion wasn't even in my vocabulary But one day my son came home high and I just lost it completly ( not the first time i might add) I was yelling and screaming ( definitly giving the neighbors an earful) and my son just stood there and took everything I was throwing at him which i am embarrased to this day were not pretty words. As he wasn't responding to me I jumped up in his face and in doing so looked into his eyes, i mean really looked into them for the first time in a long time and what I saw was pure, complete, devestating pain. OMG I shut up stepped back and left the room to process what i had just seen....my son was in so much pain he was killing himself with drugs to drown it out. And I sure wasn't helping, I was only making him feel worse about himself i wondered if he could possibly feel any worse than what I had already seen. That day I learned compassion for him and all A's...they are in so much mental pain that only drinking and drugging can drown it out. That day I learned to separate my son from his diease at least I try to. I do know that I would no longer add to his pain. Although our boundaries may seem painful for him they are for me because I am in pain too. So maybe I have learned a little about detachment but it does not some naturally for me, it is an on going process. Blessings
Thanks all, as always, very very helpful. Thanks to everyone for sharing. I don't have it all down yet but I am getting there. I think I made a HUGE step last night--we had our weekly marriage counseling session. This was the first one in a month or so that we both attended. Anyway, I said I wanted to speak first and I explained to my wife what I had learned from Al Anon and reading Al Anon literature. I told her that I would not be angry at her anymore if she drank, that I truly do understand that she is suffering from a disease and she is not drinking to hurt me or to be mean or to be selfish. And that I finally and completely understand the 3C's--I didn't cause her drinking, I can't control her drinking, and I can't cure her drinking. I told her I am really sorry that she is suffereing like this and I am really sorry that she feels that she has to drink, but that this is her issue and I simply cannot do anything about it. I will be there for her and I will love her unconditionally regardless of what she does. But I can't fix her drinking and I'm not going to try anymore. I didn't go into details on detaching but I think if she read between the lines she maybe got it. Anyway, I think she was taken aback and didn't really know how to respond. But ultimately her response was positive and that just makes me feel stronger about what I've learned. I still don't know exactly how to detach, at least not in a nice, supportive way, but I will continue to learn.
