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I took my AH back under a promise he was not to touch drink then yesterday I knew he was at it again-just couldn't prove it, but today found 2 tins of bear in bin. Because this is to be our last chance of working things out - part of me wanted to just put them back in the bin and say nothing, but deep down I knew that if I did, they would just appear some other night so I confronted him and he is so angry with me. He can't believe I would throw him out over 2 tins of bear. He has done nothing wrong. Doesn't know how they got there!!! We have had another almighty row about it all. I'm possesed by it all apparently. Afterall he went to 2 birthday parties with me yesterday and drunk only tea (what he is not telling himelf is that he left both parties early to come home to do his secret drinking). I knew by his mood and his personallity change yesterday that he had been drinking, but he denied it. So now this is it. We have come to the end of the road. We had made an arrangement that if I took him back he was not to touch drink, and if he did he was out. He says he is not going to be threatened and live his life being threatened that I'll put him out. Our friends wanted to know last night why he wasn't drinking - he wouldn't tell them. He once again hid behind me and said that if it kept me happy that was what mattered. I'm I losing the plot??? Is it all my fault?? I'm I going over board?? 13 years agao I buried my parents within a fortnight of each other. The 1st Christmas without them was going to be hard and I stressed this to my AH and asked him to be supportive of me on Christmas Day. We had friends in on Chirstmas morning and the drinking began early, by the time we were ready to eat dinner he was crashed out on the sofa, and no one could get him woke to join us at the table for Christmas dinner. I sat at that table that year on my own with my girls, trying to be brave for them (because at that stage they didn't know he had a problem) and when they went up to their bedrooms to play with their toys, I broke my heart at that table!!!! My 50th birthday when again I warned him to stay sober, but he arrived blocked. My grandchild's 2nd birthday, when he couldn't even stand up and so so many others......I'm I exaggerating the situation???? Do I stick to my guns this time....I'm so afraid of the insecurity it will cause to me financially. We are- for the first time every-financially sound. We have no mortgage on our house, we have 2 cars and a touring caravan, all would have to be sold and split. I'm so scared to go to this stage. I don't have a clue who would even be my first stage of help with regards to this. Is it a solicitor?? If he won't go how do I get him to leave the house - he is not violent to me, so I don't think I can get the police to get him out. I don't want to bring our daughters into this again. It's not fair to them, they have had me lots of times when I've left the house becasue of the drink, and I've always came back so I'm sure they are fed up listening to it. That was part of the agreement this time when I put AH out - that he would have to go without bringing the girls into it, as it was not fair on them or their families. Can some1 please advice me how I go about all this.
This is a very powerful, baffling, and cunning disease.
The 3 C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
I can't give advice, but I'm happy to share my experience, and hope that it helps you in some way. The long and short of it is that working the alanon program helps. I did not have alanon until this past year.
I have come to learn, the hard way, that ultimatums do not work. The disease is too strong, and, those affected cannot help themselves. I was married over 20 years when my then-husband was just discharged from rehab (and a prior arrest) when I asked him to please stop drinking and work on the marriage or else. He said he didn't have a problem. I filed and the divorce eventually went through.
Setting boundaries is good, and, it's important to be able to carry them through. Divorcing was scary. However, I also found it to be a relief, as his debt was escalating so high, I thought we would lose the house and be homeless. The divorce brought a financial safety net.
I am not aware of the laws in your area, so consulting with a solicitor may be helpful. In my area, unless there is violence, it is difficult to have one party leave if they do not want to.
Regarding children- I always had a safety plan and did my very best to keep my daughter out of the middle. I did my best to minimize her exposure, but let's face it- when living with an A, there is going to be exposure and it did affect my daughter. Our daughter is in living away at college now and exposure to him affects her.
I am surprised when my exHA had given/does give me emotional support. It doesn't happen often and I am working on not expecting any.
Four years later, he is now remarried to another A. He and I are now reengaged in a divorce court battle. He is telling the court that he was not of sound mind when we divorced and he wants the property settlement to be nullified. He and his new wife are attempting to take what his problem didn't touch. Normally, courts would dismiss this, but, I have a new judge who is torturing me with dragging this out month after month. This was my worst nightmare- him remarried and battling in court.
Fortunately, the alanon program provides for all of this... the more I come here, the more spiritually fortified I become. I think that is essential. I see great strength in others on these message boards, and I know this is possible by sticking with this program and giving it time.
The answers will come to you. You are in the right place. I'm glad you are here.
If you put the AH out because this is your boundary and your done dealing with the drinking, its good.
If you put the AH out because you think this will stop his drinking and bring him to his senses and you were acting upon your anger it won't work. They have to want to stop and you can plead, beg, yell, cry, spy, snoop and all you will do is make yourself crazy.
I hope you will give Alanon a try, whether you take him back or not , thats completely up to you.
Keep coming back and read the board, everyone has walked in your shoes. Hopefully, we can share our experience and hope with you.
Welcome, well your first line said it all to me. We come to Al Anon to help ourselves. We learn about addiction, and the best role we can play in our loved A's life.
Hon they cannot just stop drinking. Your putting that on him is not going to work. Ultimatums make it worse.
It is like telling a cancer cell not to split. Addicts are driven to use a drug to feel what they think is "normal."
We either have to learn to live with them with Al Anon tools, live without them, or live with them the way it is.
We cannot make them do anything. He may even want to stop, but he cannot unless he gets help. Most all addicts need help to stop, then gather up the skills to stay sober, happy and live a good life.
He has to make that decision.
Bettina brought out a great point too. NOTHING we do is going to change them. So you don't want to split up to make him change, won't work.
I am sorry your life of stuff is all in order and this would make a real pain on you guys to split it up. That is hard! What you are facing is not familiar.
He has a disease that never goes away. Even in recovery, relapse is part of the A disease.
We learn skills like never checking what they are doing. We would not want anyone monitoring our lives. What they do is none of our business. If it upsets our way of life, then we leave, as we can never expect anyone to change for us. Not going to happen.
He is an addict. It is so much more than using. It is lieing, manipulation, dishonesty, selfishness and lots more.
For you to feel better, "Getting Them Sober" is a great book to help you. Come here, go to meetings where you live. There are meetings here too.
There is always someone here who will help you.
I took a breath and educated myself in the beginning. Had to make so many changes! hugs,debilyn
I relate to going back on good decisions which I made for myself and then....
I had a sponsor who taught me that when I found out I had made a mistake then it was my responsibility to correct the mistake. I let her go again for the last time.
Sounds easy works hard but works when I work it. (((((Hugs)))))
Part of our insanity is we believe the promises and lies over and over again thinking this time it will be different .. Please if your not already find yourself an Al-Anon meeting you need support we have a part in this mess and we too need to change not just the alcoholic .It only takes one person to change to create change and if we want change we have to be willing to make them . Its ok to change your mind , if you can go to a few meetings a week for a few months and see how u feel then , learn all you can about this disease and how it effects your life . learn to detach with love and accept him as he is . Before making a life altering decision get your life back on track .. you will know when its time to leave or when its okay to stay .
Remember that if you establish a boundary it is for yourself, for your own protection and serenity, not as punishment for him. Because of that, he doesn't have to agree that it's a good idea, that it's sensible, that it's warranted, or anything else about it.
Alcoholics lie, even (especially) to themselves. I'm sure a part of him does genuinely believe that he didn't have a drink, that if he did it didn't matter (my ex was able to maintain those two assertions at the same time), and that you are making a huge fuss over nothing. That is the disease talking. The disease will do anything to keep hold.
Also, alcoholics test us. "Does she really mean what she said, or can I manipulate the situation so I can do what I want?" What I found was that each of my boundaries/threats/ultimatums were just attempts to control him, not to protect me. I let each of them go, time and time again, and he found he could get away with anything. I asked myself, "Do I have a bottom line? Is there a situation I genuinely wouldn't put up with?" To my astonishment, I couldn't think of one. Because I was so terrified that I would fall apart without him. Meanwhile I was falling apart with him.
Finally, though, I saw that life really was unmanageable with alcohol in the relationship. Once I knew I was going to have to separate, I had a day of great grief, on my own, and then I told him calmly and continued to feel calmer than I ever had. Strangely, that was the one time he didn't argue with me. I just knew that he'd lapsed from supposed sobriety one more time than I could cope with, and that was very freeing.
Thanks everyone for your comments....have been a great help. I sit in tears as I read them, and in the light of day, I know that he had drink, but he is still insisting he didn't. I don't know if this is the time to go yet, but all your comments have helped me. I will try and come to the meetings on line. It does help to understand the illness. I am getting strenght from all of your comments. It does help to talk to those who have been through it - bless you all in your own struggles.
My experience is that they always insist they didn't drink -- it's a way the disease tries to protect itself, and it's also a symptom of the insanity the disease causes: truth gets turned inside out. My ex never admitted he was drunk, or that he had been drinking, even once, in many years of his drinking. He would admit that he drank "from time to time," but never that he had been drinking on any specific occasion. Even with beer cans spread around him. Insanity. The lies also drove me crazy. But the saying is, "How can you tell an alcoholic is lying? His lips are moving." In other words, it comes with the package. It's a hard thing to face that the alcohol is more important to them than honesty -- but there's the insanity of the disease again.
Keep on coming back. No one should have to go through this without support and help. And there are miracles coming.
I remember feeling rushed to make a decision. Hindsight being 20/20, there is no rush. It would be ok to change your mind several times over. Take as much time as you need. Keep coming back and work the program and things will get better regardless.
First of all you don't have to make any decisions today or even tomorrow But when you do make that decision if it is for him to leave than be ready to go thru with it. If you back down again it just reinforces his thoughts that he can get back with you with a few promises and a smile. Get to meetings, pray pray pray for guidance then listen or watch to the path HP is leading you too. Alcoholics lie it's what they do. They have to to protect the disease. And sadly much of the time they believe thier own lies because of they have to face the truth then they have to admit thier is a problem. Right now try and take the focus off him and back on you. Blessings
Is it normal for me to withdraw from life - I seem to have done that without realizing it.
We don't have friends round anymore (cause we are either in the no drinking phase (so I don't want to put temptation in the way) or he is in full swing with the drinking and I don't want anyone to see him like that cause I feel embrassed).
I use to go out and be invloved in lots of things- now I don't like leaving him cause I know what he does when I'm out.
You are all so right - I do have to change - I have to get my life back and start living again.
I seldom laugh - nothing seems funny anymore and sometimes I even find it hard to sympathize with people who are going through a hard time, cause I'm so caught up with my own problems and my AH's drinking.
When we have had another session of "Yes you were drinking" "No I wasn't" - I just feel so exhausted. I sleep very little that night...I used to head off to God knows where just to get away from him (but I caught on that was doing no good as he was still nice and snug in our house and I was the one living out of a suitcase) I've had one day were I just couldn't go to work, because I had taken so much out of myself the night before crying/perhaps even having a break down (who knows) - get he always is fine. My concentration is awful when I'm stressed like that. I should not really be driving a car when I'm stressed like that cause my mind is not on what I'm doing. I even came out of a local shop one day, and couldn't think were on earth I was, or what way to turn. Is this normal bahaviour for those of you who have been though it?? I'm such a grump now and I use to be always laughing and happy.
Yes, I think what you are going through is normal..... at least it's common. When that kind of stuff started happening to me, I took it as a sign that I had definitely let my feelings about his drinking, take over my life.
One day I was so obsessively reading information about alcoholism on the internet, reading message boards, etc. that I got my times all mixed up. Long story short, my autistic 3 year old sat on his special ed bus waiting for me for 15 or 20 minutes, in a panic, because I was an hour off in what I was supposed be doing. The driver was mad, my child was an emotional wreck.
It was a wakeup call. I realized this alcholic in my life... self centered man that he is.... was functioning better in his daily life than I was. I was becoming sicker than him.
That made me SO mad and I decided never to let HIS problem get to me like that again. That was when I began to feel my first feelings of detachment.
