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so im having a hell of a time forgiving my bf. we have been together a year and a half. for the first three months of our relationship he drank almost every day. then on that third month he went and spent the night at a sixteen year olds house, her rents were home and there were other people there. he says nothing happened. after that he tried to stay sober without aa and every month and a half to two and a half months he would drink and text her. i know she sent a picture of her face bc i saw it and he says he doesnt remember if she sent any more... bullxxxx. anyways i found the pic one night, he accidently text me instead of her saying she doesnt know refering to me and he invited her to our house when i was at work but she had to hurry because id be home by a certain time... he claims he hasnt text her for a year and he has been in aa the past six months and is doing great. i cant help but think he is a petafile because of what he did... or wanted to do. he admitted he was attracted to her so why else text a girl you are attracted to/ i dont think i can get over it, i really dont think i should either
-- Edited by canadianguy on Sunday 17th of October 2010 10:28:46 AM
Wow.... that is very distubing I would first of all have to ask what a 29 yr old man has in common with a 16 yr old The answer would be nothing and if he has done anything with her not sure what your state laws are but in many states it would be statoury ( spelling) rape. If she were my daughter and I found out you can despite the girls protest ( because i am sure she feels very grown up) bet I would be at the police station filing charges. I don't know why you would want to "get over it" if he is a pedehile. My guess is she is around the age when he started drinking and stopped maturing emotionally but the doesn't give him a free pass to have a relationship with an underaged girl. For me ( and this is only what i would do..not telling you what you should do) I would get as far away from that relationship as you can becuase if he is a sex offender that like addiction only gets worse and he will take you right down with him. Does he have custody of his girls..I hope not I wish you well with this situation... and urge you to find an alanon meeting in your area and start your own recovery. As you do that you will be able to look at things with a different more heathy perpective Blessings
First of all I know this is shocking to you, this business with the 16 year old but your BF is out of control due to his disease.
His judgement is impaired and his disease is in control. its not up to us to diagnose an alcholic and I wouldnt go as far as calling him a pedophile. Thats not for us to say.
I wasted a lot of years of driving myself crazy about other women or what the alcoholics activities were and what he was doing when and where.
When I finally realized that the bottle is his lover, woman. That the priority and focus here is that he is an out and out drunk, and he has a disease. That is our denial and we need help and recovery from our own crazed thinking. Yes, an alcholic will always be busy screwing up his life, my XAH was involved with another woman and it resulted in twin babies. Which after that , didnt want anything to do with the woman or the babies. Just a bunch of collatoral damage, left on a path of destruction created by the Alcoholic. What your BF is doing is illegal and he will suffer the consequences. What you decide to do in this situation for you is important. You do have other choices other than forgiving him. You do have the right to set boundaries for yourself, instead of trying to analize or figure out what the alcholic is or not. Living with an active alcholic is not a normal life. I would suggest a face to face Alanon meeting. Using the tools of Alanon will help you make a healthy choice for your life. Good luck to you. Wishing you courage and wisdom. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 17th of October 2010 02:53:55 PM
Yikes what a mess , suppose it hasnt entered his mind that she is jail bait he could go to jail for a very long time , even if nothing did happen between them teens are hormonal if she says it did he is done . am sorry you have to deal with this . take care of you trust your gut and act accordingly . Louise I hope you are attending al anon meetings for yourself .
We have no control over what someone else does, and not up to us to figure it out. What we have control over is ourselves. So the ball is in your court. If you choose to stay with a man who stays "over night" at the home of a girl he texts and attempts to meet behind your back, then accept it as is.
But if you choose to not live a life like that, then live your own life with out that situation.
We can not make anyone act the way we want them to.
I always told my A if you ever want to leave,if you ever don't love me anymore, then leave. I do not want or need anyone unless they want to be with me.
That is just me. I stay with people becuz I love and value them. I would never play games with their hearts. I expect the same.
I am so sorry this has happend. As far as the age difference, I imagine your A has been drinking and not maturing since he was in his teens, so believe me there is not much difference in maturity.
Sounds like you may have a new path ahead of you. BIG hugs,debilyn
-- Edited by lyndebi on Sunday 17th of October 2010 06:56:25 PM
I do go to al anon meetings twice a week, the most I can go bc I work constantly. My bf is in aa has is 6 months sober. I didn't think of the maturity thing, he has been drinking heavily for 11 years so he probably has matured much since he had started. Thanks for your advice everyone. He finally admitted things he's been denying, and no not that he slept with her, but it hurts and is comforting he's finally admitting stuff instead of lying. He probably denied it bc he knows it was wrong.
I wouldn't spend too much time trying to figure out what he was doing, and why. Keep the focus on yourself. I used to spend so much time justifying what he did, or making excuses for it, or (if I was mad at him) making lists of all the horrible things he ever did or thought of doing. And it didn't help me.
What helped was looking at his actions as they affected me. If something hurt me, I took steps to protect myself from it. If it did not hurt me, I ignored it. When I started only paying attention to what was my business, about half of the stuff I'd been stressing about just disappeared. And then I was able to look at my life, and at our relationship, with more clarity, without all the jumble of all this other stuff.
If you really feel that you cannot get over this, you have that right. I'd warn against trying to keep him in your life, then, though. Letting it go and not worrying about it is a valid choice. Deciding you can't live with it is a valid choice. But, hating and resenting it while still staying with him isn't really a very good option, for you. It keeps you right in the firing line, always feeling the pain.
As for the legality, it depends on where you are. Here in Canada, even if he had sex with her, it would be legal, he would not be considered a pedophile.
When my addict wife and then my alcoholic/addict wife started bringing weird outside relationships into "our" life I went out and went after my own life without them. The disease of addiction has a tap root in insanity and because of the Al-Anon program I can decide to break from it because it's the right thing to do. The program works when you work it and working it get's easier and easier when I follow suggestions of the old timers and sponsors.
No need to even get mad or even just get sane with peace of mind and serenity.
