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Hi everyone. I've never been to an Al-Anon meeting, but my mom and I will be attending one on Tuesday. I'm hoping it will give us a new perspective.
My brother is an alcoholic. He's 20 years old, started drinking when he was 14. He has ALWAYS had a behavior problem when he drinks, but over the years it has just gotten progressively worse. He acts nasty, threatens others, threatens to hurt himself, and gets so stupidly drunk that he can no longer control his body and ends up passing out. He has a disability and has had a hard time finding work. He can drive, but doesn't have a car. He's going to school part time...when he feels like getting out of bed.
Currently, I'm living in the same house as him with my mom and dad. I'm 38 weeks pregnant, and my boyfriend and I are working our butts off to save money to get our own place together. I was hoping to stay here for at least 3 months after the baby is born...my boyfriend works a lot and I could really use the help from my mom...but I'm hesitant to stay here any longer with the way my brother has been acting.
A few months ago he told us that he knew he had a drinking problem and wanted to get help. We took him to the hospital, where he detoxed for a few days. He was in the psychiatric unit for a day before he called my mom begging her to pick him up. This isn't the first time he's pulled this stunt. It seems like whenever he gets bored or feels like he needs a little break from life, he tells us he wants to go inpatient somewhere. He'll stay for a day or two, realize he doesn't really want to be there, and then leave. My parents and I told him when he came back this time that it was the last time we were going through that charade.
He didn't drink for the first month he was home. Then it was one beer on occasion. Then two. Today I came home from work at 4:30 in the afternoon and he was doing shots with his friends in the living room. It happens this way every time. He announces that he never had a problem and then tries to prove he can stop at "a few." It's so beyond frustrating to watch, and even though we do everything we can to keep the alcohol out of the house, he keeps bringing it in and my parents have no authority (in his mind, anyway) to tell him to get it out. Every time we try to talk to him about his problem he manipulates us into feeling bad for him by saying things like "I'm sorry I'm such a xxxx up" and "Maybe I should just go die." It's even harder not to enable him because of his disability. He hardly gets the opportunity to go out and make friends, and all the friends he already has are typical 20 year olds who like to drink. If he says he wants to go out, my mom offers him her car instead of letting him catch a ride with someone else, thinking that he won't drink if he's driving. I know he drives drunk and I'm terrified that something is going to happen to him. We want him to feel like he's an adult and that we trust him...but he's become impossible to trust
-- Edited by canadianguy on Saturday 16th of October 2010 01:56:13 AM
Welcome. I'm glad you found MIP and even though all our situations dealing with alcoholism are different they are all the same in many ways. The decision to attend a face to face Al-Anon meeting is the best thing you can do for yourself. The program will show you how to put the focus on yourself and not the alcoholic in your life. I would suggest staying after the meeting and talking to some of the old timers who have walked in your shoes. They will be happy to share their experience, strength, and hope.
Your brother is going to do what he is going to do. I know you and your mother love him and want him to change, but that is a choice only he can make. The most important thing for you is to take care of yourself first and Tuesday you are taking the first step in that direction.
I'm glad you are here, keep coming back and posting.
Have you realized it yet cristin..................your not alone anymore!!!
And welcome... You certainly came to the right place ! First Congrats on you and your mom getting yourselves to an Alanon meeting. Please let me say this .... My son ( a little older than your brother) is an addict and I first started alanon because I thought I was going to hear how to "fix" my son. When I found out the program was for ME I almost didn't come back. But I am so greatful I did come back because it has been the one and only thing that has saved my life and sanity. So please don't walk away from it, stay and You and your mom ( although you are powerless over your brothers actions) will learn new behaviors and coping skills to deal with his disease. You will learn to put focus back on yourslef and get it off what your brother is doing. And while now your mom may feel she has no power ( and she doesn't) to stop your brothers drinking you will both learn to set boundaries for what you are willing to accept or not accept. You do not have to accept unacceptable behaviors. So for instance your mother can say your brother is not allowed in your home while drunk. Thats a boundary. Boundaries are for you not the alcholic. As the mother of an addict it was very hard for me to set boundaries but as I worked the program and got stronger and more confident I was able to start out small things I could stick too then build up to bigger boundaries. Alanon has saved my sanity and my life. So please listen and learn at the meetings. The one thing we all have in common is we all love or have loved an alcoholic/addict. Please let us know how the meeting goes and know we have meetings here online twice daily if you need support inbetween meetings Blessings
