The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, this is something I haven't really seen addressed here, but which is causing me a lot of anxiety and stress.
I have kicked ABF out, b/c I cannot tolerate the lying and drinking, and the emotional abuse that comes with it. I also will not allow the craziness in my daughter's life. She should not have to live like that.
So I'm doing okay on that front -- I've made huge strides in detaching and not being codependent when it comes to ABF.
However, how do you deal with other people? I live in a small town. The rumor/gossip mill is alive and well. I have people I barely know coming up to me, asking how things are going, and I know that they really don't care how things are going for me -- they just want the dirt. I have coworkers who bring up ABF in hopes that I'll talk about him and what's going on with "us", so that they can run and tell half the town. I have my mother, who would prefer that I just cut ABF out of my life and realize he is evil (which he's not, and mom has decided my dad is not really an alcoholic b/c it suits her to believe that -- whole other story).
So, my problem is trying to not please everyone else. Setting my own boundaries when someone asks, "How are things going?" Not making decisions based on what friends, family, acquaintances THINK I should do in regards to ABF. Putting everyone else's opinions aside and doing what is right for me. I've found that this is a real challenge. I want to make authentic decisions based on what I need in my life, yet I'm finding I want to bend to the will of everyone else. If I even talk to ABF, I'm a bad mom, a bad person, weak. If I say I'm doing okay (which I feel I am, to an extent), people try to convince me otherwise. So many people express that ABF is a monster, and they act as if they pity me for being snowed by him, yet I think I'm doing a good job of detaching with love and compassion. I am trying so hard to listen to my own feelings, and going with what is right for me, but it's hard when you have so many people throwing their opinions at you, and trying to please them all. I know I need to just let it go, block it out, and carry on with what I'm doing. But as a cody and an ACOA, it's very difficult to do that.
I know we don't ask for advice here, but I'm just asking for others' experiences in dealing with this. How do you all cope with unwanted/unsolicited advice or opinions? How do you stay true to yourself and not cave in to "peer pressure" and the desire to please everyone else and to want others to respect or understand your choices? How do you know you are on the right path, with so much external pressure?
I hope this makes sense. It's hard to put into words.
other peoples opinions of me are none of my business , Ilove that statement who cares what others think ? As far as questions about your relationship a simple it didnt work out works or if they are asking about him tell them u don't know what he s doing they will have to ask him next time they see him .. your under no obligation to answer any of thier questions . period
For me.... I had to learn that to prioritize the people in my life and if I wanted them to remain in my life or not... I was fortunate in that I have always had a supportive family, so never any issues there.... For the non-family, I became somewhat 'picky' about who I would share stuff with..... for the rest of them, my favourite saying.....
"what you think of me is none of my business"
I was true to myself, my sponsor, my family, and my friends that I chose to include....... the others simply lost significance to me, whether they were spreading talk or not.... Life was complex enough for me, without having all that other crud to worry about....
Hope that helps Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I used to say, thank you for asking. leave it at that. or i would say, being an addict is a disease. leave it at that.
or,"what makes you ask?"
One thing about gossip, all we have to do is not put out any info. When anyone brings up or acts up, they are asking for information to get off on.
Flagging on craigslist is huge. People want to control something, so they flag, person flagged puts on the list how mad they are, flaggers get off on the control.If people would just ignore them and repost, flaggers would stop, be bored.
Gossipers get thrills from the gossip. Don't give them ammunition. They are the sick ones, who cares what they think?
you did what you thought was best. You are an adult, do not have to answer to others about your decisions. I believe your showing your contentment, daughter feeling more comfortable are so much more important.
Again as far as ABF, he is sick. compassion goes a lot further. I believe when we say to others, uno alcoholism is a horrible disease, I hope he gets help, puts a new perspective on things for people who always think someone has to be at "fault."
I never put my ex AH down ,never did. It would just make me look bitter, which I am not at him. I always say, the man I married and loved all my life died when he had that brain surgery. Then I tell them about some wonderful, good things he gave me.
You also need to know it takes time to get strong again after being close with and A. Give yourself lots of positive healing things. Do for you!
I know all too well what it is like to live in a small town and how the rumor mill goes. In my case, my ex AH was high-profile, and I kept our situation very quiet. By doing so, others didn't talk directly to me about it, but often tried to dig in a round-a-bout way. Mostly in doing so , I just kept people confused. If they asked how I was doing, I said "great" and then changed the subject. When they asked how it was going, I'd say, "it's going", if they asked how he was doing, I'd say "good" or suggested they ask him. A wonderful answer to unsolicited advice or an opinion can be as simple as "oh", "you may be right" or "thank you for sharing your opinion". Bottom line is, what was going on in my home and with my family was no body's business, and I was not obligated to share with anyone. When I when out in public I tried not to look how I felt. I attempted to present myself well (not as the tired and ragged person I felt) and look relatively content. In time, I discovered everything changes and passes, and the happenings in the lives of others eventually surfaces and becomes the new gossip as we became old news.
Truth is, if you haven't lived it, you can't get it. That is where this board, my sponsor and al-anon meetings saved me. These places were full of people who did get it, and I was free to share anything and everything if I chose too.
Get to some al-anon meetings and you will be on the right path. I promise you.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I also live in a small community so know how you feel At first I was horiffied at others bringing up our situation...my son is an addict and I didn't know how to respond. Until ( which has already been said here) I heard "what other people think about me is none of my business" I was so relieved to grasp that concept and to also realize that most of these people would normally not give me a second thought until they see me in person then they want "the dirt". Why I wondered...then figured out most people do this to either make themselves feel better about thier own living situation ( cause I am pretty sure we are not the only family in town living with dysfuction) or they are just plain gossips. So I learned to use the word " I ". How are things going? " I " am doing well thanks....and drop it. I do not feel the need to tell everyone who asks every little detail of my life. If they don't like it too bad. Now the people who I know care about me and our family I don't mind sharing with. But today I can honestly say.... I couldn't care less what others think of me or my family I have enough on my plate i don't need to feed into someone elses "need to know" Blessings
I was given a great suggestion at a similar time in my life. I practiced saying lines like these in front of a mirror to make it easier to respond to people who were asking me uncomfortable questions etc
I'm doing really well, thank you for asking. How are you? That is interesting. Hey have you tried the sandwich at blank or seen the tv show blank? I had not thought of it quite like that. I will take your opinion into consideration. Yes I am taking the time to decide and put into action the decisions that are best for me. I am sure he is trying to do the best he can right now. This too shall pass.
It did help me to have the ideas of basic topic turning answers almost preprogrammed into my head.
Thank you all for your responses. I've been trying to focus on the "I" statements. Unfortunately, these people don't really want to know how I am doing -- they want me to spill about what's going on with ABF. It's sad, really. It's like they want him to be doing horribly, they want to hear about the train wreck that is his life right now, and I find that sick.
I've also come to realize that there is still such a stigma about alcoholism. I understand perfectly well that you can love the person and hate the disease. Sadly, the person comes with the disease, and you have to know when you just can't do it anymore, which I have done. But I still have compassion for him. I still allow him to use my restroom and I give him leftovers, b/c he has no money, no job b/c he's still waiting for them to let him come back, and no home. Most people still think the alcoholic is a bad person, a monster, or that they "choose" to drink. Well, yes, they do choose to drink, but it's more that they are compelled to drink, they crave it. So many people do not realize that this is a disease, that these A's are very sick, and deserve compassion and credit for who they truly are underneath it all. My own boss advised me to kick ABF totally out of my life -- I had to tell her about the tasering incident b/c I had to miss work the next day -- and she used the guilt trip of "you have a daughter to think about" and she said, "Do you really need this in your life?" I think her point was that she won't put up with me missing work b/c of some alcoholic. It was a bit of a veiled threat -- lose the A or lose your job (yes, she really IS that horrible and inhuman). But bottom line is, she has no right insinuating herself into my private life and my personal decisions.
Thanks for letting me get all this out here, and thanks for sharing.
Yes you can love the person and hate the disease thank god My son is an addict and particular interaction with him ( an argument that I started) I looked into his eyes and saw the most incredible pain I've never seen or bothered to look for in the other A's in my life, all of which I love. There is nothing my son could ever say or do to make me stop loving him uncondtionally. A's are human and are as deserving of love as anyone else. And that was the day I learned to have compassion for A's. It is frustrating as thier disease fights the love that is coming thier way and limits the love they are able to give. Blessings
