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I'm pretty sure my wife hasn't been drinking for the last few days, but I honestly don't know (and I'm happy to say that, as that means I've been succesful in detaching, i.e., I'm not searching her purse, the house, her phone, etc.). But the last few days have been horrible. I've come home to find her just miserable, depressed, overwhelmed and fed up with the kids. And I'm not sure how to deal with it, as again, I don't know if it is caused by drinking or just general unhappiness/depression. Tonight we were eating dinner and our 4 year old said she wanted to try some parmesan cheese. My wife sprinkled some on her plate and she ate it. So our daughter asked for more and my wife gave her more. She ate that and then asked for more, my wife got annoyed and poured nearly half of the jar on to her plate. I basically ignored most of it but asked her what that was all about and she said "I'm just fed up".
If I knew she was drunk, I would have known how to deal with it. But if she's just acting out, I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'm taking the same approach, basically detaching. Tonight she went to bed at 8:30, and I know she was trying to start some type of confrontation before she did. She said to me "I'm going to bed", all sad and down...I said "ok, really?". She said "yeah, there's no reason for me to stay up so I mine as well just go to bed". I said "ok, I'll be up later". I wasn't going to get into anything with her...And I think she's probably just thinking I'm being a jerk and don't care anymore.
She might not be drinking but missing it...doing the withdrawals which look and sound alot like what you describe...It could also be dry drunking...not drinking but acting as if. It's confusing but you are handling it well. To bad for your daughter. Kids can read body language and often times don't come up with "Mom's having a downer" but "Mom doesn't love me." Give her an extra hug for me... and have one for yourself. ((((hugs))))
I can relate with similar experiences, not knowing if my wife was drinking or not. My gut feeling was that she was, but I would also have doubts wondering if she was in a bad mood because she was trying to slow down or stop drinking, etc. I never knew for sure and still don't at times. What I do know and accept is it is part of the disease. I spent many nights wondering if it was something I did or said that caused her to act or react for no apparent reason. Over time I came to realize and accept that I had no control over my alcoholics moods whether she was drinking or not. I did have control over how I reacted or did not react to her moods.
I no longer let my A's moods effect me. Like you I detach, very seldom react, and remember to take care of myself first. It's just not my problem. The three C's come to mind. If I allow her moods to have and adverse effect on me, then I am not practicing my program. I am only responsible for my happiness, serenity, and peace of mind. I don't think like an alcoholic and I can only have empathy for the toll the disease takes on their mind, body, and spirit.
You did a good job handling the situation and I hope you enjoyed the remainder of your evening. Give your daughter a big hug for me.
This reminds me of me in the bad old days, before I knew how to ask for what I wanted. (It's still a struggle.) Also I know that when you're depressed, it's even harder to ask because you don't believe you can get what you want, no matter how much you ask.
I'm not saying it's your responsibility to draw your wife out. But just to say what would have been going through my head in similar circumstances, which would have been an all-encompassing hopeless gloom, and sending out big signals of "Comfort me." (Not sending out those signals in a very healthy way, again.) What I would have appreciated was my partner saying to me, sometime when we're in private, "You've been acting sad lately. I'd love to listen if you want to tell me what you've been feeling." And then I'd say, "No, it's nothing," and then I'd want him to say, "Really, I want to listen. Can you tell me about it?" Sometimes extra reassurance is needed that someone wants to listen to us, especially for those of us who grew up in homes where we weren't heard.
Again, it's not as if it's your responsibility to manage her feelings, so this may not apply. But I know sometimes there's a mismatch between men's and women's approaches, for what it's worth.
Her being volatile with your daughter is another matter than just moping around, and that would worry me a little.
You are wise not to get drawn into an argument. Sometimes when you're depressed, anger is a way of getting away from the sadness. And when I thought my partner wasn't paying attention, sometimes I'd start a fight because any attention was better than feeling invisible. Then I'd feel awful afterwards. It's hard. But anyway, not going down that path is valuable, it seems to me.
One of the best pieces of advice I got in program was to assume they were drinking and act accordingly , treat them as IF . which means to me work this program take care of those who cant look after them selves * children * and above all take care of you . when i can use Al-Anon responses my life get easier . Stinking thinking dosent go away because they havent drank for a day .
Thanks for the replies everyone, all very helpful. Today has been a better day, if anyone's mood isn't good it has been mine. I think I'm just feeling a bit worn out...but overall a decent day. One day at a time...
She may not be drinking but if not in recovery or even in early recovery. Drinking is probably all she can think about right now. And that alone will bring on irritablity, moodiness and depression. If she isn't in recovery and learning new behaviors to replace the old than her behavior is unikely to change. That is my experience anyway
