The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
deal with thoughts that consume your mind about your A drinking? My AH told me yesterday that he wasn't going to drink anymore because he realized that due to me going to alanon, that he does have a problem with alcohol and was spiraling out of control. I know that I need to look past his words and watch his actions, but I can't seem to get out of my head today that he is going to come home with beer tonight. I have no idea why I have that thought running through my mind. I guess it could be due to two weeks ago when he told me he was going to stop drinking because he felt awful that he had to tell our 7 year old son that he couldn't take him for ice cream one night. He said he felt like alcohol was getting in the way of living life. He didn't drink for 3 days, then started back drinking again. I want to trust him, but at this early in the game, I just can't.
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
When I do this, I am projecting onto my bf and the future of this evening. I find myself worrying about him and then I remember to turn my thoughts back to me and what I am doing. I try not to project. I ask my HP to help me, to work through me, to keep me in the moment with myself and to give me peace. When I start thinking of me, even sometimes second by second, I begin to not obsess. I cannot control if he has drank or not, nor can I control him. I remember that here in Alanon I am learning to work on me and only me. If I go home and he is drunk or I know he has used, I can choose to not engage, to not react so that I keep my sanity. I am not cruel and I don't try to argue, yell, curse, give the silent treatment or otherwise coerce him, especially if he is not sober. In the morning, I tell him how I felt about him using, but I use I statements and I do not point fingers or anything. I detach from him with love, I allow him to be him. Say what you mean and mean what you say but don't say it mean... I turn my thoughts to me, its a work in progress, but that is how I stop obsessing....
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Thanks ladies! Your responses helped a lot. I am realizing that worrying about it isn't getting me anywhere, and it isn't going to somehow stop him from stopping at the store and buying beer. I really need to remember what a therapist once told me....Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere.
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is obsessing, and I do it a lot, too. My mind will just take off like a runaway train and sometimes I go along for the ride without even realizing what's going on.
Other times, I realize I'm on the ride and really want to GET OFF!
My sponsor asked me to come up with a list - a game plan - of things I could do to stop the obsessing.
I came up with some of the following ideas, which might be helpful:
1. Call my sponsor 2. Call another Al-Anon member 3. Call ANYONE in my life who's maybe having a hard time and see how they're doing (get out of myself). 4. Get to a meeting 5. Read CAL (one suggestion I like is to try to identify what I'm feeling at the time... fear, anger, resentment, etc.) and then skip to the index at the back and find that feeling listed and then read the passages on that feeling. 6. Identify what it is I'd normally be doing with myself if I WASN'T obsessing and do that thing.
We learn not to think about it when we accept we cannot control it, so why bother?
They have a sick mind, so it would be totally insane of us to trust them. I don't trust or distrust, I take things as they come. No sense in setting myself up.
Of course they are going to use again, drink again! They have a horrible disase that makes them crave it. "crave" it.
I don't believe in trusting an addict. Innately part of their disease makes their behaviour untrustworthy.They cannot even trust themselves.
Of course he wants to stop! But he really needs to get to AA or rehab then AA to get the tools to be able to be on a program of recovery.
It is more important to see if you trust YOU. Trust you to go to meetings, read literature, trust you to accept things ast hey come, accept life as it is. Trust you to gather tools to live with an Addict you love.
They are addicts, deserving our love no matter what their disease is doing! If we live with them, then aren't we saying I love you unconditionally? Then we set up boundaries with the A so we can live with them. if we cannot live with their behaviors that are a part of them,then why do we?
If someone lives with me, I have a bad, fragile disability. I cannot go out much. I can have embarrassing moments. If I choose to eat more than once a day, I almost have to stay in the house.
So...if someone wants to live with me, then they will have to love me as is. To complain I cannot drive to the beach one day or go to the store, hurts me as my disease is part of ME.
The A disease uses a drug. period. we hope they have times of recovery, we pray for it. But if they don't, it is not personal against us. They are sick.
I cannot help my bodies problem. An A cannot always not drink. It is not against their character becuz they use!
It is so much more that WE need to not allow our life to be controlled by a disease of one we love. NOT what they do or don't do!
If I saw my A my first thought would not be I wonder if he is using. It would be hey how are you? What have you been doing? Like anyone else i meet.
If he has a beer, if he has two, what difference does it make?He is an A, he is not in recovery, even if he was, it is none of our business. Just isn't.
Al Anon gives us the tools to learn this. We allll have more and more to learn! I can tell you, when we stop monitoring them, serenity is right around the corner!
What worked for me was literature and meetings. The more I get the more I practice the better I get and self control. I was taught to go to the indexes of my daily readers and look up the subject matter that fit where I was at and read every page on it. Marvelous suggestion from the ladies of Al-Anon...saved my butt. (((hugs)))
Oh do I so relate to that. I was so frustrated that I couldn't make those crazy thoughts stop. Some days I had to take it moment by monent. Lots of breathing, lots of hanging on for dear life. So I had to learn to refocus my thoughts. I needed long term solustions.
For me I would do a really hard crossword puzzle, maybe cook a very complicated recipe or go for a long hard walk in the woods. I used anything that required my utmost concentration. It worked well. I found that the moments had passed. I was exhausted from concentrating on something that mattered at the moment. At the same time I felt so much better. It may be trial and error for you to find what works.
In the worst of the worst moments, I got my behind to a face to face meeting if one was available, or I came here to the chat room. That was always a positive solution for me. I was reminded of Step 1. I am powerless. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing I can do about it. All I can do is concentrate on my recovery. You'll find your way. We are always here for you. Much love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I was so frustrated that I couldn't make those crazy thoughts stop. 
Some days I had to take it moment by monent. Lots of breathing, lots of hanging on for dear life. So I had to learn to refocus my thoughts. I needed long term solustions. 