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Well all this time my daughter has said to my grandaughter she doesnt drink. The other morning she stayed out all night according to what my gd told me and when she came in her breath smelled of alcohol and she looked real lousy she said to me. She has also been yelling at me a lot. Now I understand why she works at a tavern she said. She`s putting all the pieces together and I`am short on words for her. But my heart is breaking. She`s telling me her mothers new boyfriends is always drinking. Well, ever since her new found information, she has been a mess. Her behavior has gone off. She told me she doesnt trust her mother anymore because she lied to her. She has also starting to think her father is in prision for alcohol as well. She has been so hard to deal with. I have been loosing it trying to do homework with her, she`ll pinch me or scream at me till I end up yelling back. I have to keep realizing its the disease. I try to consol her and tell her I`am anrgy at her mommy for drinking and lying to her too. I cuddle with her and tell her she always has me. But its not enough. She is so angry. Help can someone help me and tell me what I can do to help this young girl. She has been hurt and betrayed by both her parents time and time again.
My kids have been through a lot in their lives too, all kinds of betrayals and the death of their father, alcoholism has touched them too. It's not fair, but we shelter them the best we can.
I always try to tell them it's ok to express their feelings.... no feeling is wrong, but there are better ways to express them... a journal with space for writing and drawing, plus new pens and crayons or markers and stickers.... making time to do fun things together like go to the zoo or even a quick trip for ice cream, for kiddos that want to pinch, playdough or even one of those stress balls to squeeze.
I personally don't feel like it's a good idea to talk a whole lot to kids about those kinds of problems... I let them bring it up and I will validate how they feel and sympathize, but NOT dwell on it, what good does that do.... I try to look for ways to make us all feel better. Physical outlets are great too, like running, dancing around, a bike ride, even a pillow or water balloon fight.
I really feel like kids need to be able to talk about things when they are bothering them, BUT the best thing we can do for them is make sure they have plenty of chances to burn off frustration and energy, and have FUN!! =)
When my stepdaughter came to live with us, I told myself that I would simply do my best to live by example for her. I knew the insanity she was going to be coming to live with with my AH's drinking problem.
That's really all I could do for her. I was very, very careful not to villainize her father when he and I would have difficulties. I was frank with her, however, and told her that her father has a drinking problem and that most of his behaviors are a result thereof. Honesty was important because she wasn't going to get a lot of honesty out of him.
I made it clear to her that I was available should she need to talk, but I didn't push and pry, either. I tried to use what I learned in Al-Anon when I talked with her - tried to share with her my own experiences when things got tough and how I handled them and if I thought that had worked or not.
Now, she was 16 when she came to live with us, so there's a big difference between a 16-year-old and a 7-year-old. However, she had grown up with her mom around a lot of addiction and alcoholism there, too, and I really feel it stunted her emotional and mental growth. So while she was physically 16, I really felt like she had the mentality of a 12-year-old. Sad stuff.
In any case, she's since moved out of the house, and I've divorced her father. He shredded their relationship to bits when she moved out, so they don't talk to each other at all, nor make any efforts to get in touch. However, she's remained in touch with me, and I'm really happy about that. I'm glad she learned I could be trusted.
In any case, she's since moved out of the house, and I've divorced her father. He shredded their relationship to bits when she moved out, so they don't talk to each other at all, nor make any efforts to get in touch. However, she's remained in touch with me, and I'm really happy about that. I'm glad she learned I could be trusted.
Looks like she learned how to set boundaries. She's lucky to have you in her life!
Gram...in the face to face meetings on the literature there maybe a copy of "What's drunk Mommy" which is an illustrated pamphlet for youngsters. It may be helpful for your Grand-Daughter depending on her reading ability or your support for her to read that. Drunk is soooo confusing to the little ones. In support (((((hugs)))))
As an Adult Child of an Alcholic I can tell you this. Your grandaughter has known for quite some time that there was/is something wrong with her mommy, she is just now being able to verbalize it. And THANK GOD she has you to confide it. You are a godsend to your grandaughter. I knew my father was a drunk at 4yrs old, at 5 yrs old I saw the same behavior in my friends dad down the street and told my friend " oh your daddy is a drunk just like mine". Hmmm clearly a bad move on my part but to me it was normal. Anyway the little girl told her mother what I had said who in turn called my mother in a rage...and as my mother was a ragaolic I got the first beating I can remember, sent to my room without dinner and given the clear message that being truthful was a BAD thing. Learned right then and there how to keep the family secrets and believe me alcolism was just the tip of the iceberg in my family. I tell you this story to let you know that your grandaughter feels safe sharing her feelings with you, please continue to encourage that ( I know you will ) and encourage her also to feel safe telling her therapist ( I think i remember you saying she was in therapy but I could be wrong) and also encourage her of she ever feels she is in danger to tell a teacher. Keeping those family secrets made me so sick emotionally that I repressed most of my childhood until recently when it all came flooding back and I had NO coping skills to deal with it. There are books i know to help children understand this disease. Maybe check out the libaray. Again Bless You for being such an awesome grandmother and giving your GD a safe place. I honestly wish I would have had someone step up for me as a child. Peace in recovery
Does this mean that your daughter stayed out all night and left your granddaughter alone in the house? That is of great concern, if that's what happened. In that case I think some kind of official intervention would be needed -- I don't mean a friend or family member talking to the daughter, but rather some kind of court-ordered parenting classes or other intervention. That really counts as child endangerment.
Of course the poor little girl is scared and angry. Not just about the lying, though that's enough to be angry about. She probably doesn't know how to verbalize the other things she's experiencing: mom being gone when she shouldn't be, reacting to her weirdly, having mood swings, being unresponsive, and all the other things that alcoholics do.
I think if I were in your shoes, I'd talk to a counselor or social worker and see what the resources were, and how that poor little girl might be helped -- by therapy, or mandatory therapy for her mom, or whatever. Sadly, this situation is not uncommon, and a professional will have seen it many times before. So they should have some idea of how best to proceed.
I got my 7 yr old daughter a workbook called "The Elephant in the Living Room" to work through with her. It explains alcholism to children at an age appropriate level. It stresses the 3 c's (very important to children, as they tend to think they cause everything) and also how to communicate their feelings and devleop coping mechanisms. I have been through the first 4 chapters with my daughter so far, and seh really enjoyed learning about the disease and talking about it. It has questions and activities for her to fill in that open up the lines of communication and helps her to share. I got it from Chapters here in Canada, but I am sure Amazon would have it... I think haveing you available to help her learn in a healthy way and have an outlet for her frustrations is key. My daughter tends to bottle up and hide her feelings (so as not to rock the boat and cause an argument or more drinking, in her mind anyway) and then starts to act out. I find if I stop her and ask her what she is feeling when she is acting up, and get her to share her feelings, she is a whole new kid in a matter or minutes, and I have developed an atmosphere where she knows she can share with and trust me.
Al-Anon prints an amazing book for young kids called Whats Drunk Mama ? it explains the disease , reasures the child it s not her fault and encourages respect for the alcoholic thru educating the child about the disease , you can purchase this book on ebay I believe it is about 6$ well worth the money . kids only want the truth not the nitty gritty stuff they don't need to know nor would they know how to deal with it . Kids blame themselves just like we do ,they think if i am a good girl she won't drink , if I clean my room she wont' drink in other words they turn themselves inside out trying to please just like we do , they are minni uses .. pass on what your learning in this program bring it down to kid size and keep it simple. I hope u have found meetings for yourself as well . Louise
Apparently my daughter became aware somehow of what was going on and told my grandaughter that she did indeed have a "drink" the other night when she was out with her boysfriend. Sorry, she lied... she said.. My grandaughter seems much better with this. Then she proceeded to tell her that she is a grown up and can handle alcohol. GD seems to think that my daughter is only having a drink now that she has this boyfriend, because he drinks all day long. Mama never drank before she says. I`am biting my tongue, wanting to say, every boyfriend, husband, has been either an addict or alcoholic but obviously I would never say these things to her. I had just ordered the book recommended about "mamma being drunk" (sorry I don`t remember the exact wording).. Is it still appropriate if she is in denial that I be reading that book to her?
This book was printed just for children , read the book first and decide how u feel as i said it is full of info about this disease , encourages respect and reasures the child that this is not her fault . Kids have all kinds of questions and the book adresses them . all they want is the truth . Whats drunk Mamma is truly amazing .. I have a supply of them that I give to newcommers with small children .
Yes please do get the book for your GD. Like I said she has known for sometime that something was wrong with her mommy she just couldn't put her finger on it until just now. And remember she loves her mommy and will try and protect her. I think getting the book will help your GD process what is happening and get a better understnding of this disease. Like I said before she is blessed to have you
