The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Right now I'm anxiously waiting for my copy of Getting Them Sober to arrive but that won't be here for another week to 10 days. But really, I feel like I am always waiting for my AH to do something. If he goes to the store I am watching the driveway for him to return because I'm already anticipating the alcohol and I somehow feel I need to see proof of it even though it only takes a few minutes of being around him to know. Then I am waiting for him to go outside or to another part of the house so I can search for proof. It drives me crazy but I can't seem to stop myself. He accuses me of having "attitude" with him which I usually do if he's been drinking but I feel guilty about it unless I have proof that he has been drinking because then I somehow feel justified. I don't start arguements - I just avoid him altogether which he hates. I don't do it to anger him but I can't stand being around him when he drinks. He is like a totally different person. Sorry to ramble - it's been a rough week and I'm having trouble coping. Thanks for reading.
((((((Sunshinemama)))))) In my experience, when I do all the things you speak of, checking, waiting, snooping etc. it makes me feel so sick and gross inside. I am learning through my sponsor and HP that concentrating on me is the only way to feel better. The book Getting them Sober has helped tremendously. I have had to learn that by accepting me for me, I start to learn to love myself. I have also realized that I cannot control my bf or his drinking, which is the first step. I am truly powerless over other people's drinking, what they are doing, what they say, and also of what is going on outside of me. I only have control over me, what I do, how I respond and react. Before I realized any of this or got a sponsor, I was totally addicted to HIM and what he was doing. I was as addicted to him as he was to the alcohol/drugs. I needed to get my next "high" by checking on him, snooping, waiting for him to return drunk etc. Now I keep turning the focus around back to me. Its not easy, and its a minute by minute thing most of the time. I have slips, don't get me wrong. I still find myself checking, but I do it less and I catch myself doing it much more easily. Before I thought it was the only way to know what was going on with him. Now I know that if I feel the need to ask, look, snoop, check, watch, wait... I already know the answer. It is very very hard, but little by little I am changing me. I am gaining the courage to accept the things I cannot change and changing the things I can. In love and blessings
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I can so relate to this! When AH decided to start drinking after being sober for 9 years, my heart would start racing when I would hear the garage door open when he got home from work. The first thing I would do when he walked in was to see what he had in his hands. I just had to know if he bought any beer on his way home from work. I would also find myself waiting till he got busy doing something, to go check the refrigerator to see how much he had drank so far. I also found myself secretly trying to smell his breath when he would come home from work and kiss me. That really went into overdrive, when one day he came home from work and he did have beer on his breath. I immediately confronted him and asked if he had left work early and had gone to a bar. Turns out he did something that I consider worse. He stopped at the store, and drank one on the way home. If he were to get pulled over, that would mean big trouble for him, especially since he already has two felony DWI's on his record as it is. Even though he has stated he is not going to drink anymore, I still find myself secretly trying to smell his breath. I know that I need to stop doing that, and detach, but I can't seem to help myself sometimes. It is hard to stop. Since I am aware that I do that, I need to make a conscious effort to not do that. Another thing I have found myself doing, which has nothing to do with checking up on AH, is waiting for him to go to bed at night, or leave the house for work, so I can come here and the chat room. I don't know why I hide it. He knows I attend f2f meetings, so why would coming here be any different? That is something I need to look further into myself to see what my motivation is behind hiding the fact that I come here, when it is no different than attending f2f meetings. Maybe I am scared that he will see what I post here, or say in the chatroom? It certainly is a possibility that that is the case. I guess I could be more open that I go to f2f meetings because I know he isn't going to overhear anything I say in there, where as online, he could very easily get on to my computer without me knowing and see what I post here, or could just as easily walk by me, and catch a glimpse of what I may be saying in the chatroom.
I am really sorry to hear that you are having a rough week. I hope you continue to come here for support.
Take care,
Kimmy
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is hard. Part of the way I got around this was by assuming that he was always drinking. And that he was not going to stop. It turned out to be an entirely correct assumption.
Man can i relate to your post! My spouse is not an A but our son is and the "waiting" part of this disease was as bad as the "lying" part. My sons drugs of choice are hallucinegens which are called "loner" drugs. Meaning it's not like he is out partying with friends or anything he goes out, gets high and rushes home as fast as he can before the drug kicks in full force so he can go down to his living quarters and lie around and hallucinate. Now its not good enough for him to do this once and a while or even once a day. The minute he starts coming down he's ready to go out again and keep that high going. So he goes out, I wait for him to come home ( frankly sometimes I am astounded he even finds his way home) he doesn't drive thank god. He comes home I wait for when it's time for him to start "coming down" and is ready to leave again. Of course I too needed him to validate for me what I already know which is he went out to get high. I yell, badger everything I can think of until he tells the truth. It is sooooo tiring because in the end he is just telling me what I already know and have had to upset us both trying to get that information out of him. After working the program for a good long while i discovered 1. addicts lie 2. stop taking it personally and 3. I cannot expect my son to act in any other way than the person he had become and thats and addict. I learned wether he was sober or high anything he said was likely a lie. I learned to trust what i was seeing iwth my own eyes and feeling in my gut. I didn't need him to validate that for me anymore. After that discovery life became much more peaceful. The waiting was still painful, trying to anticipate his next move was also so tiring. For us after a very long time my husband and I just could not live like that anymore so as son went back to jail this last time we made it clear there was no coming home this time. We would get him into a sober living home but that is as far as we will go to help him now. I understand we all have different options to choose from But really once I just accepted my son for what he was things became much easier for all of us all around. I think the book you are waiting for will help you immensly Keep workin the program...you are well on the way to your own recovery Blessings
And what do you think you are doing to your health and well being, I know I suffered a minor stroke from all the stress of waiting to hear the key in the door, or the garage door. Or him saying he is going to the store on a Friday nite and not returning until Sunday nite. Or coming home from work and seeing the closet emptied of all his clothes, only for him to return a few days later , with little explaination except " I just went crazy".
Of being all dressed and waiting for him to come home to take me to a Birthday dinner, being late and being drunk. There are so many stories. Why did I put up with it. Wasnt so much love as it was being caught up in the manipulation and the disease of alcoholism and loosing my identity. This was the first 10 years of our marriage, till I went to alanon and finally start using the tools to restore me to sanity. There were times that the XAH maintained but he never stopped drinking. The periods of maintaing were workable, but still that underlining of dysfunction is there.
I didnt give up hope of our marriage working as there was so many years invested, after nurturing him thru a heart attack for a year, then finding out what that heart attack was about. His 10 year off and on again affair that I was unaware of and the twins that the affair produced. He had gone over the line. Thus my exit.
He did his financial responsibility, but never stayed with the other woman, Im sure there were more , all the result of the fall out of his drinking. We must realize that this disease is crazy, he has been in every ER room in this city, he has been beaten up by the cops and sent to the hospital with the alcohol level that would kill a horse. He has fallen down a flight of stairs on his head, he has fallen on the cement and cracked open his head and almost bled to death, a kind lady called paramedics. He has vomited in his sleep and almost died, another visit by the paramedics. The list goes on and on, this is what happens when an alcoholic does not halt his drinking. There are no words... right?
There is no other alternatives but to seek help for ourselves thru Alanon, this disease is too much for us to cope with on our own. Even if we chose to leave, there are still the effects and damage left for us. I have to say for me, being apart from the alcoholic takes the stress off immensely. This is the choice to be with the A or not. If you do chose to go on, we must learn to let them go.
