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Good Morning: I went to my first al-anon meeting last night. I took a lot away from the meeting.
my mom is an alcoholic for well over 20 years now. She has attempted suicide twice that I know of, the last of which was Labor day weekend. We gave her options this last time, get sober, stay sober, go to meetings, get your own place and get a job. She has done none of this and was drunk on wednesday night. I just had a baby 3.5 months ago and she has seen him maybe 6 times and wonders why i wont leave her alone with him. She drives drunk as well.
I know that I can not cure this disease, I know that I did not cause this disease. I just want my mom back and if I cant have her back, then I dont want her at all.
I dont know how to go about getting her back or letting her go.
Hi and welcome :) This is a dreadful disease to say the least. There just isnt anything you can do to get someone to want to get sober. Thats great that you went to your first meeting !! In alanon you will find the tools to help you deal with this. Blessings your way ((hugs)) too.
The way to let her go, and this is the integral lesson for us - bc what we know, we expect. And as kids growing up in this disease, we anticipate the next bad times, so that we dont let us be too vulnerable and enJOY ourselves or get scolded for being "wild, free, young or loud" - so we stifle our own free inner voices.
The cornerstone of the sick thinking (disease) is the denial, lies & dismals/disposable attitude they have for people.The cornerstone of recovery and in program is HONESTY.Being willing to be brutally honest, no matter what.
The best way to help an A, is to work a solid program of your own ~ this means learning to not enable anymore.We enable in tons of ways, I did so most of which through sheer worry (always projecting into the future, takes us away from being able to be effective and powerful in reality/the right now todays.We miss all of that as little kids growing up in dysfunctional homes no, we are far too busy growing up and taking on the responsibilities of others.
Learn to take care of YOU and detach with loving kindness.When I worry now I hand them up and over in prayer to my HP (that I call God).HP can handle all of our issues and only wants peace, joy and love for us all.
These are inside of your own being, within your understanding in other words, its an inside job!Although this may not sound like a positive answer it is the key to being able to find the life inside of you that is destined to come out, waiting.Because every choice is up to us, we are responsible and accountable for them, blaming others or saying we have no choice, is in itself a choice.
The way to have and keep the benefits of our program, is to keep practicing them daily, all the time.I must practise having faith, patience, awareness, understanding, forgiving, loving.It all flows into everything else and creates the life based on the choices we make/made.If you dont like your life now, welcome to the beginning of being empowered and changing so that you can truly control and master YOU and learn to live the life you can have.Focusing on others (I wished for thirty years my mother would change) only wastes what you can be doing for you and to empower your life right now.
When we focus on others, we lose us and feed the disease.When we focus on us and detach lovingly from others problems, it creates an opportunity for them to learn how to take care of themselves and- for you to do the same thing now.
Enabling is doing anything for others they can and ought to do for themselves.If we do it for them, they have no incentive to change, and we feed the disease and lose who we really are.A very simple program for very hurt and complicated people.Welcome to the beginning of a new life!Hope you stay for the miracles, you are worth it.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you for telling about your first meeting and how postive it was.
I will be going to my first one, hopefully, next week. I think it takes a lot of courage. I am hoping to find the same answers that you are looking for.
Please keep us updated on your progress. It's very helpful.
When we focus on others, we lose us and feed the disease.When we focus on us and detach lovingly from others problems, it creates an opportunity for them to learn how to take care of themselves and- for you to do the same thing now.
Enabling is doing anything for others they can and ought to do for themselves.If we do it for them, they have no incentive to change, and we feed the disease and lose who we really are.A very simple program for very hurt and complicated people.Welcome to the beginning of a new life!Hope you stay for the miracles, you are worth it.
Kitty, this helps me see so much more clearly. Thank you for this share! Thank you for your help! I am learning to focus on me, no easy task after my 35 years of focusing on others and making sure they had what they wanted and what they needed. Turning it to me is making me feel like a whole different person :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Just want to ask you to look at your moms disease in a slightly different way. I understand totally where you are coming from As Adult Children of Alcholoics ( ACOA ) we grow up seeing every thing in black and white. No grey areas in between Alanon suggests you don't make any major life changing decisions until you have worked the program at least 6 months. I urge to to follow that suggestion as far as your " wanting to have your mom back and if you can't have her back you don't want her at all" I understand what you are saying but I think after you work the program for awhile and learn all you can about this disease your perception may change. We've no power to change anyone.... only ourselves And as you learn new and healthy behaviors and coping skills, you may come to accept that your mother is an alcoholic still not ready for her own recovery but she still may have things to offer you and your baby. My son is an addict...in the beginning I too saw things in black and white....he had to do things my way as that was the only right way. Well of course he didn't do as I wanted and to just regain my own sanity I had to accept him from who he was but I did not have to accept unacceptable behavior. I had to learn to separate my son from his disease ( detachment ) and that can be done in a loving way. There is nothing my son could do to diminsh my love for him. But as far as his disease goes I can set boundries that must be met and if they are not then he suffers the consequenses. So before you decide to cut your mother out of your life ( because you cannot change or control her) really work the program and listen and learn from those that have walked in your shoes. Congrats on going to your first meeting....keep going, don't look back Blessings
Hello and welcome , and congrats on new baby . of course u cannot leave a baby alone with her while drinking but u can stop in and see her for a few min a week if she is drinking take baby and go home .. You cannot stop her from drinking you know that but threats don't work with an alcoholic ,this is a disease and love won't cure it . If you can put baby on your hip find the closest Al-Anon meeting for yourself and find some peace of mind . perhaps there are meetings durring the day u could attend . cutting her out of your life only makes u feel guilty and you don't need that either ,learn all you can about this disease learn how to accept her as she is having no expectations and your life will get easier and never give up hope there is always hope . Louise
