(finding)...  the Willingness to Love -me- -- Message board post 10-14-2010

This wasnt something that was easy for me find or see, at all.  I hated and loathed myself, I was very self destructive in all of my relationships. most especially the one including, just me.  I called myself the worst names in my head, when I didnt do something perfectly automatically, like my inner running self talking dialogue was the worst of the worst I could have picked up anywhere.  
    Since I didnt know what it was to love the self, and I didnt know how, I abused me bc I felt powerful doing that and since I couldnt understand why my mom did what she did, I figured I deserved it, whatver it was.  In my teensm in the 80's, it was all about my mom, her job upstate that moved the family (she was the bread winner back then, comp tch geek)  and the sick unhealthy and unloving dynamic of the disease - that very subtly (insidiously) creeps under the skin and you are adpoting behaviors before you know it.  This is the way life is, the disease steals energy and robs our self responsibility, so we are chasing our tails - attempting to please/satisfy people that -merely have us running- and do not really care about our experience - at all, whatsoever.

The worst thing I could say about my upbringing, is I was neglected -for time- as the behavior roobbed by mom of her life and she was being a robot working/ a doing human.

As an only child, I was very isolated anyway.  And in many many ways, I raised myself bc of course I liked the freedom I got and the extra responsibilities easier, it afforded me opportunities to do other things and I (as all kids do) could manipulate her back too and I tried to do so - constantly. 
     I was a stress case - a tense, wound up, sick/nauseous, head aches -- type of kid, a neurotic teen and adult, naturally I had migraines for many years, regularly (daily for 1.5 years as it is all progressive and gets progressively worse-stress/pain).  I was pushed to make straight A's in the accelerated school programs and I over achieved in sports as well.  Being a natural performer, I wanted to shine  but I wasnt happy from 9 or 10 on -- in general because if felt like I was being ignored or my needs were or I was promised, yes we will do this and stuff never happened.

I couldnt keep my own word to myself how could I ever?  I had no self esteem or self worth.  I did not know what self love and self protection were or meant and- without self respect, it validated my negative self script to not follow through, to fail on my promises to myself, to push me aside, saying u dont really matter and u know that you dont, right?  RIGHT?! 

   All my ego where all of my perceived hurts lay in wait.  Waiting for me to let my inner child out and be mildly vulnerable the ego sits there, to say inside oh so ur dancing now, its ridiculous or- you are making others uncomfortable ( so u be uncomfortable, too and stifle your own creativity and joy and enthusiasm while you are at it) oh my ego so ready to throw me under the bus, kick me when Im down and or up for that matter, it just loves to hate and bring up the unresolved issues and feelings.

      This is why forgiveness in action, is so very extremely powerfully effective, it heals us at every turn, every thought and every judgement/condemnation.  The ego loves to hold on and count and measure and weigh.  That is the minds function to remind you of what it already knows, to process it and be more effective at its functioning. 

So the ego goes (escalates) at every turn it goes for the head, then the heart, then soul.  Tried to tell you that you are less than and that you dont deserve any better.  It is what it knows.  YOU however are in there, behind all of these choices and decisions that the ego gets to make on our (innocent and passive behalfs).  The spiritual law is free will.  It is a choice for us to make or not.

Even to believe in a Higher Power, takes a leap of faith on our parts.  It also takes a suspension of the beliefs that we currently hold.  My lil pocket Websters says, faith:  an unquestioning belief & loyalty.

      So, if our family is sick and their thinking is emotionally cruel and insensitive, and our care-givers betrayed us by saying, shut up kid with ya whining, this is a part of gorwing up, take it or Ill give u something to cry about!  Why would you want to blindly accept this way of thinking/pattern? 

Begin by being kind to YOU.  We all know what that looks like.  When you make a mistake and you egos running dialogue, speaks oh ur stupid! Look at that mistake say Im sorry self, I know you dont deserve that.  I can now do better and immediately let it go - close your eyes,  then feel in prayer, handing it over literally pushing it out of you and into the Willingness of the Higher Power.  HP will always receive what we freely and willingly give.  My priest (from when I converted at 25) told me that if I ever wanted to pray, the name of yours or simply saying GOD or (if u prefer to call it HP) Higher Power is a prayer in and of itself. 

Think of the love you have as energy units.  We all get 100/day.  Where are you putting your energy? And what kind of a return on your efforts are you receiving (manifesting solutions or more complicated problems?) and are you satisfied with what the current pattern looks like?

Incidentally when I did this the very first time, it was 12-13 years ago now and I was giving all of my energy away.  I gave 40% to my mother and the family my AH got 30%, my job took the rest, really.  Friends and interests were the straggler percentages and I was not even on my own list.

I did not even register.  And it wasnt even odd to me, I knew it.  Ok so that was 13 years ago, for another eight years, it was the same inner script running.  July 25, 2005, I landed at MIP and I spent the next two years focusing on me and coming out of denial, I was eh hermm, extremely very resistant (unwilling).

Three years ago, I met my bottom of true giving up utterly.  I was ready to kill myself and I was convinced I deserved it too.  In the process of despair and acts that would have allowed me to meet my demise I heard a voice saying, what are you doing?

Me- Im giving up and in, Ive tried everything and nothing ever works-  life doesnt work for me.

Voice you think you are living?  You are merely existing. You have not yet begun - to live!

Um, ok who can argue with that it was true. 

I had to surrender.  I had to get the willingness to, so that I could attempt to love me.  I had to surrender and forgive a lot of memories as they welled up to the surface.  Every time a negative memory came up, I eagerly faced it directly and honestly bc this was the fastest way to face it, trace it, embrace it, erase it, replace it with something constructive and positive.

  I had to pray often for the show me how to and especially for the honesty & willingness to.  The old patterns of self pity, denying the self, over riding the self, ignoring and feeling a deeper isolation behind the very walls we put up oh those habits and patterns are strong, old and long since established.  Think old fossils.

Once I was willing to focus on me, define my needs and set, establish and follow through on boundaries that I could earn my own self respect about and accept myself for and feel better about.  This was an immediate rush for me, as making the positive and constructive changes are so extremely very empowering and it begins to establish a newly formed pattern of a positive and wanted daily habit SUCCESS.  It feels good too.  But make sure you stay in the constant and eternal right Now as this is the real reality, not tomorrow or yesterday.  Right now, your reality is how you think and feel and- this is the only reality you can have any power over, as we are completely powerless over so many things in life, everything else but not us.  We can change and control ourselves not when youre fixated on another soul- no, that never works! No, we must surrender ourselves, our pain, our habits and ways, our manipulative tactics, our measures/judgements and assumptions  -and- seek out something entirely new and different. I prayed for an open mind and to see solutions and possibilities and in sitting back, feeling my emotions over the waves, I could think and see with more clarity.  And I knew some calm.  I could wait and take my time in making a decision, insteading of rushing to sabotage, rushing with indifference or impatience.  I had to do what I always wanted from others, to encourage myself, praise, validation, acknowledgement, support and love. 

So I began this journey of self love by first off I had to- to pretend I was my new favorite best friend ever and I was eagerly interested in getting to know me.  I had to be kind, patient, understanding, compassionate, loving and willing to forgive and grow with.  Because I was more than happy to do all of that for others.  Learning how to love me, was a wholly new adventure everyday, but my biggest trick was to stay in the reality of the now/this moment.  As my body got tense, I could realize I was focusing on something out of my control (not my business) and I quickly re-direct me onto me and what I can do (to allow me to feel better right now/today).

I took 1% of the love I gave joyfully & with utter abandon (wonder why lol) to her and I redirected it onto me. I couldnt bear it so I cut it in half.  This was still too intense for me to even tolerate.  So I said, Ok self, we go down to ¼ of 1% of loving energy and I can feel it,  its palpable.  I began feeling badly and like an pathetic idiot, pitiful ridiculous down to one hundredth of a quarter!  Well, I couldnt kick me, so I said, ok self if this is where you feel comfortable beginning this, this is acceptable, this is a start.

Working my program daily and moment to moment, boundaries, forgiveness work (bc ALL sparks of HPs divine light are deserving of that divine love of HP/God and we are the only ones holding it at bay, its a choice), accepting me and loving me right where I was (and still am), doing the best I can, following through for me and being the person I would want to have in my own life.  All of these things have given me the life I have now not the least of which is HP/God who never gives up on any of us and is always, always willing to receive what ever it is that you choose to give up and out!

I urge you ALL to encourage, love/forgive and nurture the inner child within you and surender all you can to the above... and enJOY being human, now!