The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I went to a group therapy session for depression. When I left, AH was perfectly fine. He told me he would see me soon, and that he loved me. When I got home, it was a whole different story. He seemed really upset with me by the look on his face. When I first got home, I asked where our 7 year old son was. He ignored me. Then later on when we were all going to bed, I was trying to tell him good night and give him a kiss, but he pulled away from me and gave me a dirty look. I asked him what was wrong, and he said "Nothing." Unfortunately I had had a really bad day yesterday as it was, and got really upset with him, and took my frustrations out on him.
This morning when we got up for the day, and AH was getting ready for work, I apologized to him for how I acted last night and told him that it was unfair that I took my frustrations of yesterday out on him. He accepted my apology. I also asked him if he would tell me what was bothering him last night. He told me that me going to alanon was bothering him because in his eyes I was acting like a victim for going to alanon because he is drinking. I told him that I am not being a victim, I am being proactive and taking care of myself. He said that in his eyes, I am acting like a victim, and because of that he decided he just wasn't going to drink anymore. I told him not to stop because of me, that if he wanted to drink, then by all means, drink. I also told him that just because he is choosing not to drink now doesn't mean I am going to stop going to alanon. He told me that he isn't going to drink because he knows that one day I will use it in court against him. I asked him what he meant by that. He said that he fears that if he were to continue to drink, that I would leave him, take the kids away from him, and use in court that he drinks all the time and isn't a fit parent to have custody of the kids.
As I was typing this out AH called me on his way to work just now. He said he wanted to clarify something he had said this morning to me. He told me that he understands that alcohol is a disease, and that part of the disease is that disease tells him that his drinking isn't a problem. He said that he realized that by me telling him that I was going to alanon because his drinking is a problem for me and that I could see him spiraling out of control made him really think. When he first started drinking, he asked me to monitor his drinking and to tell him when I thought it was becoming a problem and that he was spiraling out of control. He said by me going to alanon told him that he was spiraling out of control. He said at first he didn't think his drinking was becoming a problem, and that he had it under control, but then he said that he realized that that was probably the disease talking. Because of that, he has decided to stop drinking because he realized that the everything that he has built up over the last 9 years of being sober and in recovery isn't worth losing over drinking alcohol. He says he hasn't had any desire to drink since Tuesday when I told him I was going to alanon. He says he hasn't drank since Monday night.
I don't know whether to believe that he is giving up alcohol or not, because it was about two weeks ago that he said the same thing, but three days later started drinking again. Two weeks ago, our 7 year old son ask AH if he would take him to go get ice cream. AH had to tell him no because he had too much to drink that day and couldn't drive. The next morning, AH told me he felt awful about not being able to take him to get ice cream, and that he felt like alcohol was getting in the way of living life. So he made the decision to stop drinking, and got all the alcohol out of the house and gave to our neighbors. But like I said, three days later, he was back to drinking again. Part of me really wants to believe he isn't going to drink anymore, but another part of me thinks he is just saying that in hopes that I won't have a reason anymore to go to alanon, and if that is the case, then his recovery won't last long. Something is telling me that he will just get sneaky and will continue to drink but hide it from me. I know this sounds horrible, but I am having a really hard time believing what he said. I guess I will need to see the action behind his words in order to start trusting that he really meant what he said about getting back into recovery. Whether he is drinking or not, I am still going to continue to go to alanon. Nothing is going to stop me from going there, because that is a part of taking care of me. I have taken care of others all my life at the expense of myself. It is my turn now to take care of me and let others take care of themselves instead of me doing it for them.
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Kimmy, it is pure manipulation on the part of your AH.
There only words , we must look at their actions . It shouldnt matter either way. You said you would coninue to go whether he decides to drink or not.
We must take the focus off the alcoholic and concentrate on our recovery. We shouldnt give them that much power over our lives. This whole scenario is the chaos of living with the disease, you must not participate in it. Its only to bring more confusion to our lives.
Im glad your determination is to keep coming back and working the tools of Alanon.
The are the tools that will lead us to sanity. Luv, Bettina
Okay I think I might have said this before but I think it is worth repeating Your husband asking you to monitor his drinking and letting him know if he is spirling out of control is his way of putting his disease onto you. Of course we all know we can't control anothers drinking, it's just his way of putting all the respondsibilty on you. And it is not your repondsibily to manage your husbands disease, only he can do that. I would urge you to continue with alanon weather he is drinking or not because plain an simple it is affecting you. Many A's are against alanon because in thier mind it is a group of people sitting around and A bashing. They get very paraniod about that. When in reality every person in Alanon is there not only for thier own recovery but because each and everyone of us has loved or does love an A. Maybe if you gave him that perspective he may be more open to it. And that the meetings have little to do with the A personally but how to work on our own behaviors or coping skills not how to "change" them But stick with your decisions to do what is best for you and what will get you healthy Blessings
I was very aware that him asking me to monitor his drinking was putting the responsibility on me. I also knew that if I ever did say anything, he would deny having a problem, and would continue drinking. Even though he asked me to tell him when things were spiraling out of control, I chose not to take on that responsibility. It was suggested by my therapist not to say anything, because it was not my responsibility to tell him. My therapist told me that what I consider a problem, or him spiraling out of control, could be different than what he sees as a problem or spiraling out of control. It was also suggested by my therapist to look into attending an alanon meeting. That is the very reason why I am here on this site, and the chat room, and going to f2f meetings as well. I wanted and still want to learn how to keep the responsibility off of myself, and take care of me despite whether he drinks or not. Yes, this is affecting me, and it has affected me deeply. The only reason AH knows that I think his drinking was spiraling out of control was because he asked me why I was going to attend alanon. I told him "I am attending alanon because I have issues with your drinking. I see you spiraling out of control and it scares me. I am going because I want to learn to take care of me whether you drink or not. This isn't about you at all. It is about me and my issues." Even though I said those things to him, he still thinks that I am being a victim, and am there to get everyone to feel sorry for me. I can't convince him of the real reasons I am there after stating what I did to him, nor do I want to convince him. He can think I am being a victim all he wants. That's on him. I know the real reason why I am going, and honestly, to me, that is all that matters.
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
I say to my abf, who had no idea what alanon was for, that alanon is for me to get better. It is for me to work on me and for me to change me and my life. I have told him that I have learned about enabling and what not to do. Though I still have slips, so he knows that too. I have a sponsor now and that has helped me tremendously.... Good for you for taking care of you! :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
My AH made many vows to stop drinking too. The disease got him back every time. I finally learned to watch what they do, not what they say. My experience is also that they frequently try to stop drinking on their own, without AA (or another equivalent program), and those efforts are especially doomed to failure. Because there's nothing greater than they are to resist when they change their minds about stopping. So my view is that if he's serious about stopping drinking, he needs to go to AA.
The "good" thing is that if he keeps on drinking despite all his promises, it will be clear soon enough. So you won't have to wonder "Is he or isn't he?" They rarely keep it hidden long.
Aloha Kimmy...this reminds me of what I was like when I first got into Al-Anon...I was a mess and needed (although I would have denied it like the alcoholic) people around me like you have around you now. Bettina was simplest and clearest and that is what I needed because I had more people and sayings and fears in my mind and little room left over for right leadership. Here is some of the simplest stuff I was told and taught. "You cannot be the reason for her drinking or soberness...that is hers alone." "The best person for an alcoholic to talk to is another sober alcoholic."
On the last one...if he was sober for a time and working the program he must have had at one time or another, a sponsor...My spouse did also so the simplest response to her when we got into it like you and your alcoholic are into it now was, "Call your sponsor." He understands that statement intimately.
Now call yours and keep coming back here and going to your own meetings. You've got tons of great support. Do what your support does and you arrive at where they are at.
With my AH, when he decided to get sober 9 years ago, he did it on his own. He didn't go to AA, or work any kind of program. He says he did it by willpower. So he doesn't have a sponsor.
I am very new to alanon, as I have never had a need for it (nor did I know what alanon was) since I met my AH 8 years ago, and he was a year into his recovery. I've only been to one f2f meeting, so I don't have a sponsor yet either. Tuesday was my first f2f, and I am going again tonight. I will definitely keep going back to the f2f meetings, as well as coming here for support, and attending the online meetings as much as I can.
Thanks for all the encouragement. (((((HUGS))))) to everyone.
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Okay got it!! He stopped on his own. He restarted on his own. Got it. Great that you are and will be in the rooms where we are at. I've worn your shoes before and it was the rooms of Al-Anon which gave me a more comfortable pair.
By the way...dry isn't sober...it's just dry. Maybe later you can attend some open AA meetings also and listen to the people who are working that program to get a perspective on sober. Or....check into the AA board here and haunt that for a while to see what the MIP alkies are doing.
I am a little confused. What is the difference between being sober, and being a "dry drunk"? I've heard the term dry drunk before, but never knew what it meant. Can someone shed some light on that for this confused newbie?
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
A dry drunk is someone that has merely stopped drinking. They have not taken any steps toward recovery. Many say a dry drunk is "someone that hasn't attended AA", although there is more then one path to recovery. AA does have the 12 steps much like Alanon. Just as we are led to sanity, so is the A.
A dry drunk would have the same behaviors as an active drinker, manipulation, blaming, not taking responsibility for theiir actions etc.
As I've said before, my husband didn't attend AA but he has had many miracles in his journey in his version of recovery. I would also venture to say that most people do find their through AA. Like Alanon, there are others that have worked the program that can understand and help them get where they want to be (in their heads).
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
