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Let me ask this about dealing with certain behaviors. My AH had a bad day at work, feels like the world is against him, gripes about how he can't do another day at his job, and gets depressed very easily. He hasn't had a drink as far as I can tell.
He sits on the couch looking like he's stewing about something and just stares at the TV for hours. Sometimes he'll crack a smile at a joke on a sitcom but that's about it. He won't make eye contact with me, doesn't acknowledge when someone walks in the room, etc. How do we respond? Do we just ignore them when they're like that? Do we make small talk? You see, my problem is the typical co-dependent thing: I feel like I have to say something to break the silence to get him to open up and release his pent up anger, etc. even if that anger isn't what I really want to hear because I know he'll complain about life and how miserable he is. I mean, what else is new?
Sigh, I'm so tired of living with someone who wakes up grumpy, stomps around all day like a 3 year old, and goes to bed angry(alcohol or not). Between the personality disorder, the depressive symptoms, and the drinking issues I feel at a loss. Counseling isn't really helping much when it comes to this kind of stuff so that's why I ask here.
what your describing is typical alcoholic behavior , mood swings ,negative attitude and anger and as long as anything in the way of booze is going into thier body they are not sober , stinking thinking is the term recovering alcoholics use to describe their behavior prior to sobriety Instead of trying to get him to talk why dont you go out for a walk or call a friend and go for coffee you don t need to sit and wait for him to want to talk gawwwwwd i did that for years . or better yet find some meetings for yourself if you want change u have to be willing to create it .I only know one thing for sure nothing is going to change until someone changes ..trying to antisipate his every want and need dosent work cause they are never happy just when u think u have done it right b oom they change the rules and away we go again . this is the disease not the man . I learned here I have choices stay home and watch him be miserable and ruin my nite too or go to a meeting and godforbid maybe laugh a little .. take care of you , your the only one that can .. Louise
What drives me crazy is that for 15 years he was sober. And, for most of those 15 years I'd describe him as a dry drunk. He had all the symptoms of a drunk, but just wasn't drinking anymore. He never went to AA, either, he just quit drinking. And, I think he thought that was good enough because he was always so proud of himself. Whereas, I quit drinking and smoking but I don't get half as much credit as he does: I got off a 2 pack a day nicotine addiction, but I was more of a social drinker so I guess that didn't count.
Anyway, I do usually avoid him but it's so hard because the family room is connected to my kitchen which is where I spend a LOT of my time. So, it's hard to avoid him. I also have an 11 year old who I need to be spending time with so I do stuff with him or I redirect him to get out of dad's way if dh is being surly.
What I'm wondering is: would his attitude have actually been better if he had had a drink? See, he keeps saying he needs 1 drink at night to help calm his nerves and to settle his mind(he has racing thoughts and worries about work where he actually is the top producer in sales at his company). Or would he have just been the same despite what he thinks?
What I am reading in your post is your husband is struggling with a lot of issues...depression, alcoholism. personaliy disorder that it is overwheming him. Much of what you describe is typical Alcoholism. But I am not a drinker and a lot of the symptoms you desccribed fit me to a Tee when I was in a very deep chronic depression and anxitey. I Isolated to the extreme...showed no emotion, ignored everyone around me and actually became agoraphobic and didn't leave my home for a year. My children are grown but it had a very profound effect on them..as they just watched their mother decompensate. My son who was a drug user started using more till he was a full blown A. My daughter moved in for a summer and tried to "tough love" me out of it. And In the end left telling me I was not the mother she knew anymore and wanted no more contact with me. You'd think losing the love and respect of my beloved daughter who has always stood by my side and watching my son sink deeper into addiction would be enough to snap me out of it. But no Took every anti depressant out there- nothing. Did therapy- Nothing Not till I crawled thru the doors of alanon and found people who had experiences much like mine that actually understood me did I start to heal. I hung on to alanon by my fingernails until i was able to stand on my own. I think with your husband he may need the fellowship of AA where he will find people who has been where he is at and get connected. I know you can't make him go to AA but maybe it can be brought up in a therapy session that he give it a try for say 3 months. I only know that this fellowship, HP, and working the steps is the one and only thing that restored my sanity. Blessings
Hi there Doggies. I am a dog lover too. Have a poodle and a Jack Russell who rule the place.
What you need, dear one, is to get out...with friends, by yourself; it doesn't matter as long as there is LAUGHTER!!! Laugh until your sides hurt and your eyes water. It's the best medicine there is, and you certainly deserve some good times. If he prefers to sulk himself silly, let him; but don't allow yourself to become mired in the unpleasantness.
I send you best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
