The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What I'm wondering is if the program will encourage me to love unconditionally again. I feel so hurt and frustrated. My dh doesn't just have the alcohol issues but he also suffers from depression, and has an undiagnosed personality disorder. You can throw in the ADHD as an adult and I've got quite a mess on my hands.
I used to be able to overlook his shortcomings and accept his apologies for his attitude issues, for his emotional abuse, or for his angry outbursts that were downright scary. But, lately I find myself just being more angry and less inclined to forgive. If I continue being married to this man, how do I get past this and stay married? I know he loves his family and I know he tries to improve but improvement is fleeting and then he blows up or I find an empty bottle or he slings insults at someone or something. It's like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. I still believe I want to stay married but so much has to change and he doesn't seem like he wants to change. He says he wants to, but doesn't ask for counseling names or numbers and doesn't really seem to want to give up the periodic drinking. I know he's not drinking daily yet, I have a very good sense of smell and I haven't smelled it yet but I have found (not snooping) empty bottles which tells me that he's not willing to give things up.
I posted my other post about how I'm going to work on myself, but I was thinking about my actual love relationship with him and how I can move forward. If I'm moving forward, but he's not: how does love continue to grow or does it just wither away and the facts have to be faced that the marriage isn't going to survive? Please share your thoughts. Thanks! Bonnie
Aloha Bonnie...what I came to learn was to be mentored by others and my Higher Power so I learned to love my alcoholic/addict wife as my HP loved her...unconditionally; or warts and all. I also learned that was the same way I needed to learn how to love you, all others and....myself. It seems every day I grow another wart; literally and sometimes figuratively and I'm a loveable guy so why should I do something opposed to that.
You don't have the authority to be unloving (it's un-natural) only the choice and the opportunity. Choose to love unconditionally (like Mother Teresa said...Love Always) and take every opportunity to do that....Accept Unconditionally that is how my HP taught me that HP does it with me.
That's as general an answer as I got from experience. (((((hugs)))))
(((ilovedogs))) (So do I-love dogs, that is) I know about the anger and resentment and feeling one's love for ones A slowly change. But as Jerry said, you learn to love unconditionally. I know that's easier said than done and it's hard to explain how one learns. I've put my AH into HP's hands, he can take better care of him than I can. I learned to separate the man from the disease. I HATE this disease. But I love the man. I've finally learned that I have to accept and love him as he is, not how I wish he would be. Keep coming here, maybe others can explain better than I can. Best of luck to you.
Okay...I understand that in time I might learn to love my AH unconditionally (definitely not there yet!). Lately my struggle has been with RESPECTING him. I just can't find enough respect for him to keep me in the marriage. When you love unconditionally, do you actually learn to respect the person? Oh why can't I GET this?!
Hmm... my take on it that the program mostly encourages you to love YOU unconditionally..... whatever else transpires, with that in mind, will happen.... The program doesn't encourage us to accept unacceptable behavior.....
Just my two cents Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It is an interesting post that you started . I have been thinking about a response that might reveal my understanding of unconditional love
I need to remember that alacoholism is a deadly disease and I am not qualified to judge an illness.
First I would like to say that I think I have misunderstood the meaning if the word LOVE all my life. I thought if I "loved 'someone I had to be accepting of their behavior and not judge or criticize. I needed to be supportive , understanding with , compassion and have empathy. Then I EXPECTED THE SAME in RETURN
With the gift of al anon I now know that every human being deserves to be treated with respect and courtesy and that Loving unconditionally means I care without any expectations of reciprocal behavior.
This frees me up to have a peaceful heart and to take care of me without expecting anyone else to do it
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 13th of October 2010 09:47:01 PM
There is a reason that a lot of literature on Addicts tells us they are almost if not impossible to live with.
The thing is the disease makes us so sick we do not really see how horrible, how abnormal our lives have become.
If you watched,"Everyone Loves Raymond" and he acted like your AH (what is dh?)what would you think? Would you be expecting everyone to walk on eggshells and put up with it and be all in love with him?
When we detach from the disease, loving the A, hating the disease behaviours, have and use Al Anon tools, sometimes we can hang in there awhile. But who can live with that insanity forever?
Live with a dog who pees on the furniture, chews your shoes, poops on your bedside, barks and growl at you when you get out of bed, runs away and you don't know where they are and on and on, are you going to ask how can I love and live with this dog?
Your AH has to figure it out for himself. These are not shortcomings! He is very sick and being controlled by his disease, which will not get better, it will positively get worse. There is no "trying" there is only "doing." It seems like when an A gets a place to live and take out all that nonsense on others the disease lashes out at others more and more. The disease has free reign to take over and make everyone around it miserable. A s have no self esteem so they tend to blame everyone and everything else for the situation.
I knowk from experience the deep love I had with my ex AH. I loved him for forty years, nothing ever changed that. But finally the disease killed it. As far as them loving others, I don't buy it. Have them choose between their alcohol or other drugs and family, they will choose the alcohol and other drugs. that is how strong the disease is.
We have to love ourselves enough to decide what makes us put up with the disease. Our self love gets so beat up, we get mixed up. We don't even see what it does to our kids, our home, our other family and friends.
Al Anon teaches us to focus on our needs, to get clarity again.
Only thing I can add is we may always love them, doesnt mean we have to continue to live with them.
How long can we continue to live in the problem, when do we work on solutions?? If the alcoholic refuses to go and get help for himself and refuses to stop drinking, Lyndebi is correct, it continues to progress and get worse. I have experienced this, it became intolerable and I asked him to leave. I really was concerned about my health and serenity.
This is not about them. This is about us and our living a creative , serene life. One that we are entitled too.
Please keep coming back , this program of Alanon works.
Deb if I had a dog such as you described. I would not stop loving it but would, no doubt make sure it was treated at the Vets or put to sleep.
I think that loving someone or something does not mean tolerating unacceptable behavior.
It means having compassion and understanding but taking care of ourselves at the same time. Leaving an alcoholic, wihen that appears to be the right choice is acceptable We do not have to hate them
In fact the Big Book of AA in the chapter to Wives- states "Sometimes you must leave, if so try to do so without anger and hate.
I guess it is easier to do it with anger but that anger just hurts us. If we love ourselves we will treat every situation with love as Jerry has so interestingly noted
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 14th of October 2010 09:31:29 AM
