The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i joined here yesterday after having a terrible row with my alcoholic mother in the morning...i was at my wits end with her after finding another another wine bottle, she was very ill only a few short weeks ago where we thought that was it, her time was up! she's slightly better now and can walk again but her stomach is very swollen and she has flaky skin on her hands and she has jaundice!
to cut a long story short, my aunt had been round in the morning and fallen out with her,because my mum just doesnt realise how ill she is, and my aunt lost it and all hell broke loose... then when i got there and i found the wine bottle just after my mum had told me she had stopped drinking and that all her pains had gone, when it was evident that she was in pain as she was grimacing and struggling to get off the sofa
i bluntly told her she was dieing and she cannot have one more drink, i used the emotional reasoning with her and then i used the scare tactics and told her how painful her death could be,i was screaming and shouting in frustration as she either didnt understand whart i was saying or she really doesnt care, it hurt me loads to say what i did to her but i felt i had no other option, i had tried eveything else! i even left some information about cirrohsis and alcoholism and the effects, i dont know if she has read them, i dont want to ask and cause more upset,im constantly walking on eggshells and always waiting for the call to say something has happened to her.
after reading several posts and lots of advice on here i now know i went about it totally the wrong way and am left feeling very guilty today and wondering if i have done more damage and how i can put it right?
I am new here as well and I have no idea what is the right way to handle the situation. Just wanted you to know that you did the best you knew how and probably some others will be able to help guide you in the right direction.
No need to keep punishing yourself, you couldnt do anymore damage to your Mom then she is doing to herself. Usually they dont even remember what you told them yesterday anyway.
Today is today and we move on, so from today we start a new path. Try to change the things we can so you can be more serene and peaceful. Alanon is about you. Its about taking care of the guilt you feel towards your Mother. Its knowing that you didnt cause her Alcoholism, you cant cure it or control it.
In Alanon we have the 12 steps, the first step I feel is the most important.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.
So we really need to understand that no amount of speaking to them about it, pleading, begging, scaring tactics will effect them or stop them. We must take care of ourselves, because this disease will affect us as you already have experienced.
I encourage you again to attend face to face Alanon meetings, maybe suggest them also to your aunt. Listen , read and keep coming back. Alanon will return you to sanity and serenity. wishing you courage and strength. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 13th of October 2010 10:25:44 AM
I know how hard it is to get a grasp on that first step. I am only now, 3 months into program, starting to accept that I really am powerless over my bf and his drinking, and whether he drinks at all.
I cannot place any expectations on him, and I cannot be mean or passive agressive because that doesn't work either. Nothing that I have tried before works. So now I am starting to use the tools I have learned here at MIP and alanon.
I can only change me, I cannot change anyone else, by yelling, giving the silent treatment, coercing or guilt tripping. I cannot scare my bf into not drinking, nor can I love him into sobriety. Nothing I do to "help" him, will make him choose to be sober. Detaching from him is allowing him to be him. I can detach with love, I can still love him and hate the disease. But I am coming to understand that I have no power over him or what he does. There are days that I slip and try to passive agressively control him, or I say mean things to him after he has drank, or I snoop around and find his phone and see if he has made calls to dealers or found his vodka bottles... or if he has no money and is shaking, I slip and buy for him.
But those days just make me feel even sicker. They slip and so do we. I was as addicted to him as he is addicted to alcohol/drugs. Now I am beginning to realize and see that I am not getting anything from that addiction. Getting Them Sober is a great book. So are all the alanon books. And the face to face meetings and the board here. All great ways to get help for you. Take care of you now :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
i cant express how much you are all helping in this short space of time since joining... since yesterday my mother has become quite short and suspicious with me on the phone, and i so far have managed to keep my cool, ask no questions and act like everythings normal! its killing me not asking her if shes had a drink, but i am learning slowly but surely that no matter how hard i try i cannot control the situation, i just have to accept it.
what makes this harder is that i have a brother in the army who is out in afghanistan, and my mother doesnt know, she thinks he is in arizona, and i have had to keep the recent illness from him as he has enough to worry about over there, the next step is having to lie to my mother and tell her he wont be home for christmas because his ''supposed'' plane from arizona has been cancelled and we dont know when he will be back...
i thought a horrible thing today though, i wished she was dead and all this worry would be over and i could move on with my life.... i love her with all my heart but i hate whats shes done to herself and her family. i feel jealous of people who have mums they go shopping with or day trips to the zoo with the kids, we have never experienced anything like that together, i wouldnt even dare to burden my mum with any problems for fear of turning her to the bottle, its so sad ...
Don't be too hard on yourself.. .there is no "right or wrong" way, the comments and experience just help you understand what is more likely to work, versus what likely will not. You reacted from your heart, and that isn't a bad thing.... If you want to, tell your Mom you're sorry about "how" you said it, but maintain that you ARE very worried about her health and her drinking...
There is a great quote that is very applicable to your yesterday:
"you did the best you could with what you knew at the time"
Try to be gentle on yourself.... you are growing and learning everyday...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I too am so glad you found tis Board. Managing ths terrible disease alone is so very painful and destructive to your peace of mind and sanity. We all over react at times to the insanity of this disease. We are human and when we see someone we love destroying themselves we become frightened and go into crisis mode.
Al Anon offers us such wonderful constructive tools instead. Pray, Focus on yourself, Live One Moment at a Time, gratitude lists, meetings and sharing.
Please keep coming back, sharing and remember to Live One Day at A Time. I will pray for your brother and remember the Holidays are not here yet. Trust that HP will give you the right direction for your family.
Alanon has a step about making amends. It's usually never too late to do so. It's not easy but it's simple: "I did ________, I am sorry that I did that."
today is a new day, im not going to ring this morning to check up on her, im going to back off and make time for me, .... ive got a pile of ironing that is way overdue, thaty should keep me occupied lol
thankyou all for your advice, its a relief knowing theres nothing at all i can do to stop the drinking,its one less burden xx
