"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

ascjmum · Newbie

it's all about me

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi ASCJ and Welcome to MIP and Alanon

I hear your pain and understand how hard it is to maintain a family and home while living with the disease of alcoholism. You do know that this is a disease that you did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure.

Alanon stresses that we Focus on Ourselves and learn how to take care of ourselves in a positive constructive manner. This is not selfish. Taking care of yourself is not selfish It is a must for all adults.

Al Anon suggest that you make no major changes in your life for the fist 6 months to a year in program. The reason for this is that using the tools of al anon we are able to obtain clarity and vision as to the next right actions in our lives.

Please try attending face to face meetings. Help in finding a meeting can be found at:following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

You are not alone and there is hope

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

You aren't being selfish.... not in the least.

I thought I had heard it all (not really), but even #3 made me laugh out loud - sorry, but it is truly comical some of the excuses that active A's will use....

You remind me of me..... I continually went to my (then active) A for my validation, and literally never got it.... Kinda like "going to the hardware store for bread",...

I hope you take this time to work on you, and your need for help/recovery.... One of my favourite sayings:

"he will either drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"

Take care of you

Tom

oklahoma momof5 · Veteran Member

NO you are not selfish. Anything BUT selfish, after all this time. The guy I'm with does a lot of those things you listed.... #3 was silly, yes. But years ago I was with a guy who would tell stories like that and expect to be believed. And I felt mean for doubting him. Almost all the others you listed are things I've dealt with, too. #9 is an emerging problem I'm having. Before this last week I thought my A was responsible in this area, and he's not. I don't know if we have a moral obligation to report or not. I will tell you I pray mine gets caught by the police, BUT I don't financially have anything to lose. We had made plans months ago (before all this came to light) for him to take my sons hunting, and I know I can't allow them to ride with him now, so now must figure something else out.

One thing I know for sure is we have to keep our kids safe. If they get mad (the kids or the A) I guess we have to live with it. The alternative is unthinkable.

So anyway, I don't really have the answers that many here will have, just wanted to let you know, you aren't the only one who lives with this kind of behavior, and they say things will get better if we follow this program. Let's hope so!! <3

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with the others. Time to take care of you and your kids now. All of the posts lately have been about this. Read everything you can to help you now. In my experience, before Alanon, I was lost and thought it was to help the alcoholic get better. I know now that alanon is to help me focus on me. I am learning to work the program, concentrating on figuring out how to love me and how to detach with love from my abf.... take care of you!

Rora · Senior Member

For me, I realized that deciding to end the chaos with my exaH was the least selfish thing I've probably ever done.
I am learning a lot about unconditional love right now and allowing myself to love my exaH without getting wrapped up in all the tentacles of the disease.

I too sort of laughed at some of the excuses I was given, though I remember the days when people saying they laughed was infuriating. I didn't think there was ANYTHING funny about my situation in the least. My family was falling apart and I was distraught and enraged and so, so, so sad.
One of my favourites (if that makes any sense) was when my exaH told me that the debit transactions at the Beer Store were him buying booze for his Alcoholic Daughter. I've also come to smirk at the "they're not mine" pledge when the snow melted and uncovered about 20 mini vodka bottles behind the shed.
I ve come to understand that honesty is not at the top of the character traits of an active alcoholic.

Rora

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello there,

Your in no way selfish, you were just listing the symptoms and actions of an alcoholic. This is the disease of alcoholism.

The trick here is not to so much to spotlight what he is doing, he is doing what all alcoholics are doing, but what are you doing. For you. Our focus needs to be on us.

As far as loosing your home , etc. Don't be fear driven, but do protect your children, in not letting them into the car when he is driving. Making sure you have high limits on your auto policy. That would be the property damage and Bodily injury liability. Being an old and tired claims adjuster, I can tell you as long as you owe payments on your home, that is not considered an asset. the savings you have would be considered an asset . These are good things to consider, my XAH was drunk and struck another party from behind, totaled out the other party's vehicle and they ended up paying the other party 50,000. for his injuries. Were the injuries bogus, probably, but I always made sure I carried higher limits. Always protect your own interests when you can. #3 on your list made me laugh, I have a similar story. We were attending a concert at the Bowl here in L.A., you can pack a picnic. I had purchased these little individual bottles of wine about 6 months prior. I packed them into the picnic basket.

When I went to open them at the concert, I went to taste the wine and got water, I spit it out, because I was laughing so hard. It gave us both a laugh. I know they can make us so angry and frustrated, but lets not forget our sense of humors, it will save us.

Try to attend face to face meetings, learn the tools of Alanon, it will be your saving grace.

Luv, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 12th of October 2010 04:21:28 PM

-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 12th of October 2010 04:23:06 PM

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

You are very courageous! You are putting your kids needs/wants ahead of everything else. I see you as very strong and doing the utmost of being unselfish.

I believe when we set our minds to do things like this, going back to college as an adult, starting a new career, whatever, we need to keep in our minds not to let ANYONE stop me.

To step out and make this huge change is an amazing thing. You are telling your kids you care about them. They will always remember how mom got them out of a very bad situation.

When we stay it is telling them the behavior is ok, that they and we have no worth. Kids take it personal. I know how they take it all in and it eats at them. NOTHING takes their hearts away from remembering all that A behavior. They often believe it is their fault.

If they grow up believing that behavior was ok, they will think nothing of putting up with bolony from others.

You are telling them and YOU, you have worth. The A has to get sick enough to hopefully be miserable enough to see for himself he has to get help. You are giving him this chance by leaving!

I hope you will post, you will get LOTS of support here! We care.

love,debilyn

ascjmum · Newbie

Thanks everyone - I alredy knew I wasnt being selfish but it is fantastic for me to hear those words from many going through the same kind of S*** that I am enduring - I am still trying hard to get over the guilt of taking the kids away from him but know that I am not really taking them "away" but giving him and them a chance at an eventual relationship - I hope he sees sense eventually - and makes the right choices for himself - but ultimately - thats his choice - Mine is to move on and show my kids that they are worth more than this life -
Thanks so much again - I will stay here looking - reading and talking - it helps - :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"