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hi my names shelley im 36 and my mother is an alcoholic and has been for as long as i can remember, the past few months have been very very difficult for all those close to her, a few short weeks ago she was very ill, all though to speak to her, it was nothing!... she couldnt walk her feet were so swollen, she was weeing herself(to put it bluntly) and her stomach was and still is very swollen and she is very jaundiced and her hands are covered in flaky skin. we have had the doctor out but my mum refuses all tests, she has been given some vitamin tablets and some tablets for her stomach upset... these are obviously no cure, but without help she is going to die.
nothing we say or do will get through to her, she is lying about her drinking, i have found wine bottles and empty cans of lager around the house, yet she says she isnt drinkng anymore, when she was confronted with the evidence she claims its only the odd one!
we have tried the nice approach, we have tried the straight foward down the line approach....nothing works...
today i got very upset and angry and said some very hurtful things,hoping the shock factor will work.... she either doesnt realise just how ill she is, or she doesnt want to know or doesnt care
my aunt and myself are at our wits end, its making us ill... any advice will be greatly appreciated
I am so sorrry that you are experiencing this dreadful disease. Please try to find an al anon meeting in your community You and your aunt need help
Please try to get some rest, focus on living one day at a time and know that your mom has a disease that you did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure.
If you are truly concerned and you feel that this is a life and death issue I have called 911 and had the emergency room doctors handle the issue
its so frustrating and hard to cope with...i wish now we had called 999 instead of the doctor a few weeks ago, she was in no shape to argue with anyone!... i do fear that the 1 time we do call 999 it may be too late to help her and i know this is when she will be the time she will call for our help :(
ive ivsited her today and left her a whole load of stuff ive downloaded off the internet, im not holding out much hope that she will read and digest it!
is there any books or useful information anywhere that would be of any use to ME?
Courage to CHange is a great book from Alanon. Also any literature you can pick up at a face to face meeting is great. I also read As We Understood... I also read a book by Melody Beattie (Codependent No More) and it is a daily reader like COurage to Change: The Language of Letting Go. It is not Alanon, but it is Codependents Annonomous. There is so much out there, check out a local group, the local library, Amazon.com and so on... Take care of you!!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Aloha Shelly...the lying is about the alcoholics denial. It attempts to protect her and not so much you from the truth of her condition. That is one of the pains of the alcoholic is the self deception in the face of truth. What I found out which worked was to not disturb it but let them face it fully. Their own inner voice is much louder than ours can ever be. They are not stupid or clueless they are alcoholic which is a life threatening, fatal disease. Get that idea within your psyche and set your expectation that it may take her life from you and you will be more informed while being hopeful that with the help of a power greater than you all it might not happen.
Leave her to her pain. Don't block her from reaching out to other recovering alcoholics and understand that on another link to MIP is the AA board and meeting room...just two clicks away. Let her do her own research to sobriety.
Those symptoms you describe...the jaundice and the like? I had that color for 5 years after I stopped drinking myself. It's gone now and I am a member of both Al-Anon and AA. It is what I have to do to still be involved in my own life.
So sorry you are going thru this but glad you have found us and alanon I was rasied surrounded by this disease and never thought to seek help for myself as "I was not the sick one". Well growing up with this disease while we may never become alcoholics we take on many of thier behaviorisms ( we just call them "isims") and unhealthy coping skills. First thing to remember is You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it We are powerless over everyone and everything except ourselves. My husband and I thought if we moved our children away from the dysfunction when they were young we could spare them seeing the things that we saw and we could break the cycle. But when we moved we just moved our dysfuctional ways and thinking with us. Our son is now an addict so despite our best efforts he drew the genetic short straw and we unknowingly passed on our own dysfuction from this disease. You cannot help or cure your mother. In her mind she is not sick, she can certainly read about the disease and attend meetings but until she is willing to admit she is sick and seek recovery for herself you are powerless over her drinking. If love could cure this disease no one would have it, if anger, frustration, crying, begging, negotiating could cure it no one would have it. The alcholic has to hit thier own bottom and no one not even the alcholic knows what that is until they hit it. For some it is death....this is a fear i deal with everyday in regards to my son. He's OD'd several times, he's been in an out of jail, been to rehab so far no bottom. Now is the time to work on you, alanon is for you to learn all you can about this disease, change your own behaviors and coping skills. You will learn how to handle your mother wether she is drinking or not. If you can i suggest you find alanon meetings in your area and start attending. It will only help you. You will find others just like you who understand how you are feeling and you are no longer alone. We also have meeting here twice daily if you just want to dip your toe in and see what we are all about. Wishing you love in recovery
thankyou all so so much for your kind words and helpful advice, if only i had known there was this support years ago, i could have dealt with things so much differently.
i wish my mum had access to sites like this, in her head she sees no way out of alcoholism, she knows no recovering alcoholics..she knows no other world!! its easy for me to stand there preaching at her and telling her what she should and shouldnt be doing, i dont know what it is like to be 'her' this site will help ME to get better and to understand my mums condition..thankyou all >
