How to love me... - Al-Anon Family Group

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

How to love me...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sunflower

I can really identify and understand the depths of your feelings. I too thought that there was nothing else to regain as I was flawed from the beginning.

AL anon said we have a program of recovery from the devastation caused by alcoholism. Try our program. Use the slogans and remember to Utilize and not analyze.

Breaking the isolation is most important so attend face to face meetings, share from your heart, keep an open mind, get a sponsor, work the steps, make gratitude lists, find a HP of your understanding and live one day at a time. Working this program to the best of my ability, I found myself and learned to love myself and have empathy and compassion for others What a beautiful gift this program is

Please keep coming back It is a process.

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Betty... I have tears in my eyes just reading your response. I know it works if you work it. I have been since July. I think today is just one of those days when I feel a little out of sorts... I do have a sponsor, and I am just at the cusp of healing from my childhood and learning how to love me.... I am going to take it one day at a time and am keeping it simple by trying to keep my focus on me. Thank you, in peace....

member922 · Senior Member

I'm not sure exactly how I have been making progress. I do sit and journal and write all of the postive things about me. I also have 2 children and being around them is when I am the most real.

I have started with the positive affirmations (which I never believed in) and talking with my therapist and saying the positive things out loud. She takes note of them and reads them back to me to remind me when I am not feeling so strong.

Also, I sit and think a lot of how my bf treats me and how often that I am disgusted with his behaviour. The good times are getting few and far between, so I am losing the positive thoughts of him and reflecting them back on me.

I am a good person. We are all good people. We deserve to be treated as such. Don't lose sight of that. Relying on good friends has also helped. I finally learned how to lean on others. I don't need to always turn inward and keep things to myself. A lot of times they can see the things that we can't.

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

922--my biggest problem is that I don't talk to the right people. People that I think are going to be kind turn out to be just awful to me, because I have allowed them to be in the past. I don't think I have many truly good friends because most of my relationships have been unhealthy, one-sided or codependent... So I am leaning on MIP and alanon now ;) THank you for your post, in kindness! I guess I am learning now who I can trust and who will be a good person to share with in "real" life :) Thanks!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha SFG...this is a great and powerful post because it reaches the core of the problem
which is us. We're not bad, we're incomplete and haven't yet got the good stuff
we needed and deserved because of from where we originated on this journey.
My right from the womb first thought and perception was "I don't want to be here"
and so I was brought out by forcepts struggling with resistence. The flower bed
I was planted in was fertilized with alcoholism and insanity what other expectation
would I have or anyone else for that matter on how parts of me were affected. Not
all parts but several to many at times.

Only one of the major counselor assisted awakenings I had which caused me to cry
when he asked was "What do you suppose it is like to be loved by you?" I wanted to
be loved in return for so long and so much however alcoholism has no room or
character for love of others.

I also practiced positive self affirmations for a long time until they became ideally
habitual perceptions and behaviors. I encourage you to do the same. When you
positively affirm yourself one of the things you are doing is speaking the truth about
yourself as your HP has told you. When you "dump" on yourself, apologize for that
mistake and cut it loose...let it go.

Love yourself as I love you...unconditionally and without hesitation. There is absolutely
nothing wrong with you...you are a miracle.

(((((hugs))))) smile

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow. Thank you Jerry :) That makes so much sense! I know that when I am loving others, I always think "gee if they could only love me back as much as I love them, if only they could give back what I give them...." I understand what you are saying with the "What do you suppose it is like to be loved by you?" question. If I love myself as much as I love others... I may find what I have been looking for ...

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

Sun, I hated me. What I did was look in the mirror and learned to love my hair, I always found something about me I would say I loved. I stopped the useless negative talk in my head and said I am ok just how I am.

I took a lot of womens studies at college in my forties, I learned about myself. Learned I loved being a woman. I liked smelling good, natural jewelry, liked how I wore pretty dresses. Love nightgowns, long hair. I liked being soft and curvy.

Then I saw how I was a nice person. I don't complain, am not critical, look for the heart of people. Am mostly patient. I love animals and kids, stand up for them, won't put up with injustice or rudeness.

If I feel like throwing out grain for the birds at Walmart, I do it. I like how i think outside the box. Am a square peg.

I am very passionate and sometimes get very upset. I do my best to apologise.

All this stuff came from taking classes, reading books. I thank my HP the creator for the person he gave me to be, and he allows me to grow better!

sun I think even sitting and drawing a circle, put me in it, then extend rays out, and write all my interests, rays out with questions, what is my best physical me? heart me?

Find all the things you like. Find all the things you are.

I am organized, I cannot spell all the time, I smile a lot, I pick up animals who are lost and will make people who may be driving allow it or I get out.

I stand up when I may be the minority or the only one. I like flowers, i bring people flowers.

Am I helping you to see how to find you and love her? I sure get a warm feeling when I read your shares.

It is so important to love our self. many times an A in our life will try to tear it down. IF we are strong, less chance of that happening.

Glad you are here. debilyn

ythannah · Senior Member

Sunflower, I hear ya!

In much the same vein, I accepted less-than-healthy partners and relationships because my low self-esteem told me that this was the best I could hope to get -- I couldn't do better.

I too struggle with the idea of loving myself. It seems like a real stretch most of the time. Someone told me to scale back the goal a bit, and instead work on accepting myself. That's something I can handle, because there are certainly aspects of myself that I can accept.

A therapist recommended the book Claiming Your Self Esteem by Carolyn M. Ball and I found it helpful. There are exercises to work through at the end of each chapter. I'm really a tangible sort, I don't grasp vague very well -- I need exercises.

But one of the best things is running into one of my Al-Anon group members out in public, and seeing their face break into a huge smile at the sight of me. The only other living beings that are consistently so visibly thrilled to see me are my dogs, lol.

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

Hannah I am getting older, body changing...going to get that book. thank you.

I need to do some self work! love,debilyn

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Debilyn and ytHannah! I really really am grateful for all these wonderful shares. I will carry them with me today. I can accept me, I will work on that first... Thanks :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.