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For the first time I think my alcoholic fiance might have hit a low point. I had to send him away Sunday night and he woke up on the floor of his mid-renovation house. Missed work for the first time that I know of. Also for the first time, he apologized for his drinking, agreed it was not healthy for my family, and said he will stop drinking. (Previously he has said he would cut back, but that did not work)
So..... I know there is so much we are not supposed to say to an alcoholic, but what DO we say? For example, I wonder if he is having withdrawal symptoms. Do I ask him about that, or do I mention, when he complains about feeling bad, that it is probably withdrawal? Do I ask him if he is having trouble abstaining? Do I recommend AA to him?
I want to take advantage of this time, before he starts going into denial or falls off the wagon.
Nice that you had the chat and a part of the denial has been lifted. I agree keeping our side of the street clean is where our focus should be.
Focus on yourself, your meetings, your recovery and leave his recovery to him If he says that he is feeling ill , you could suggest a doctor but other than that stay on yur side of the pond
Thank you everyone.... what you are saying makes sense, but at the same time, I feel like this is a hard thing for him to take on, and I should be more actively supportive??? I am afraid he will think I don't care or appreciate his efforts to change, if I don't give him positive feedback. Kind of like the behavior modification thing. Or does that not tend to work out? Thanks for helping me with this!!
It is a hard thing to take on, but in my opinion, we can't be more actively supportive. It is the alcoholic's issue to handle - other than making it known that we are there, anything else we do is getting in the way of letting the alcoholic feel the consequences and take the responsibility. Just my .02 - but what made me sick in the first place was trying to take on too much of someone else's problem. Also, I would get very caught up in the "this time it's for real" cycle and get very hurt and disappointed and take it personally if it wasn't for real. In order to be healthy, I needed to back off.
I think the key is that this is HIS recovery.... Yes, you can be supportive, but hopefully not to the point where he is expecting you to do the leg work and all the effort.... He needs to choose recovery, and he is a big boy, and can likely handle 99% of this with or without your involvement....
Remember when we get involved too deeply in their recovery, we tend to muddy the waters in what we can and cannot control or be responsible for.... The three C's are still very much in play here - and he needs to take the steps for his own recovery. This is a wonderful time for you to focus on yours as well...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you everyone.... what you are saying makes sense, but at the same time, I feel like this is a hard thing for him to take on, and I should be more actively supportive??? I am afraid he will think I don't care or appreciate his efforts to change, if I don't give him positive feedback. Kind of like the behavior modification thing. Or does that not tend to work out? Thanks for helping me with this!!
I think it's fine to show support but too much and he'll just rely on you to do his work. Being a codependent, I see it as his drinking and recovery are still controlling your behavior.
I fully understand what you're saying about behavior modification but I believe that this disease is much more powerful than any positive reinforcement we can give.
It's been said many times before but I think the best thing you can do to help him is take care of yourself.
I'm new to all this too. You'll find much wisdom here!
-- Edited by SteppingUp on Tuesday 12th of October 2010 12:27:08 PM
I had to learn and have to remember always the perception that I know only a little and that there are others who know soooo much more than I. He should be with them mostly and not me so the slogan "Let Go and Let God" and "When in doubt DON'T" are master keys for me. When I got here I didn't know and didn't know I didn't know so I was clueless about alcoholism and how or what to do with it. Why honestly would I attempt to fix it? Alcoholics Anonymous is the tap root program for recovery and Al-Anon has its own beginning from inside of that program.
I won't attempt to do something other than what has worked for millions of others or fail for sure. A suggestion of Call AA is the shortest and best suggestion and then detach and go find the hotline number for Al-Anon for yourself. The very best thing I did for me was exactly what my alcoholic wife attempted for herself...look seriously for my own recovery because It was I that had gotten myself into the problem of trying to live in the disease of alcoholism without awareness, experience and help.
I agree with a lot of the posters here - it's his recovery, and HE has to do it. You can be supportive, but, my experience has been that a "hands off" approach is best. Remember - nothing you do, or don't do, will make him drink, or not drink. If he really wants recovery, he'll do what it takes - whether you or anyone else is being "actively" supportive or not.
My husband is an alcoholic. He was 9 months sober (the longest he has been sober in 3 years) and relapsed at the end of August. He binge drank for almost 4 weeks, ended up in the ICU for 4 days - almost killed himself. He has been sober now since 9/18. When he relapsed he had so much support (family, friends, AA, his sponsor, his two counselors, his group therapy members, countless phone number from meetings), and so many resources at this disposal. For whatever reason, he decided he wanted to start drinking again, and that's exactly what he did.
All of that to say, there is really no rhyme or reason to many aspects of this disease. The best thing you can do for him is take care of yourself. You'll be amazed at the things that will start to happen when you just do that.
Thanks everyone.... I am starting to get it. It's not like other behaviors that you can encourage or discourage.... like rewarding someone for doing the dishes. I WISH it was, though!! I am kind of startign to wrap my head around the disease concept. It's hard though, I am still beating my head against the wall, that he won't just decide to quit. Gotta just let that wish go. I am starting to rehearse conversations in my head, where I very kindly and gently inform him that this can't go on in my home anymore. It's sad that he won't just seek treatment and get better. =(
Remember this is HIS recovery. Although i know the need is strong I would suggest that you not step in and try to help him. All he needs to do is walk through the doors of AA and they will guide him from there. Also just in my own experience so please take no offense here.... I hear a lot of hope in your post please do not let yours hopes turn into expectations. I have done that and been disappointed so many times I have lost count. Always keep HOPE alive just don't turn it into something else. I know you want to help him but honestly what can you do for him that he cannot do for himself. The only thing I could think of is if he is going through withdrawls suggest him seeing a doctor and let it go. If he is serious he will seek help and get himself where he needs to be. If he says something to the effect "I haven't had a drink in 2 days" you can say great job...don't elaborate. Just a sentence that validated what he just told you. I guess that is what I am trying to say...just as we look for validation A's do to. So if he says I am not feeling well your response could be "I am sorry you are not feeling to great today". From my experience each time my son admitted having a problem we would sit him down and tell him what he needed to do or not do. In his mind he took this as belittling him or trying to control him and always used that as an excuse to go out an get high. We had to learn to duct tape our mouths shut and just validate his feelings and drop it. Here is praying all stays well with you
Again I feel it is their journey. My mother Once said to me, "you seem to be stronger when I leave it all to you." She was right.
It is HIS fight, his disease. I believe that anytime we interfere we take away from them believing they can do it on their own. We cannot be their counselors, it is not good for them.
It is a life thing, not just at the start but a LIFE thing. What I do believe in is getting literature from Al Anon, articles on detox and rehab centers and what they do and leaving them around. It is up to them to pick them up.
If it were me I would say,"I know you can do this." Keep it simple. Or, "I know for me, anything I know I want, takes lots of energy, but it is always worth it."
My AH totally took responsibility for HIS disease. So did his brother. They never complained. If they were sick, they took care of themselves. Their disease was not mine. I didn't ever take care of them.
When my bil got bronchiatis I of course took over food, took wood in and kept his fire going. That is different. Dope sick or alcohol sick is up to them.
They do not need any I hate to say babying or encouragement, they need to get it all from themselves or get words from other AA alcoholic or other drug users. They know what to say. get off your pity pot, get it together, you got yourself in get yourself out. Softness is NOT heard much at AA, but they relate to each other.
Tough is what works!Detox is NOT easy, they have to be tough on themselves.
If that disease hears a tone of oh it iwill be ok, or can I help or anything, it smells weakness,that is death to our AH.
Plus they need AA, to just stop using is not going to do much, that is not the primary problem. Be just like a diabetic just not eating sugar. Just part of the disease.
