The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi. I was very excited to find this board as a friend had advised me of the alanon program.
My issues are with my current bf. I have been with him almost 2 yrs and actually got divorced because of him (a good thing though, I wasn't happy). The first yr I was with him, I wasn't with him much at all because I was still married. I was told he smoked weed and drank quite often, but I never saw that side of him, so I sort of defended him. Yeah, stupid.
Anyhow, now we are into the second year and I am quite aware that he smokes pot pretty much on a daily basis (not a ton, but what's the difference), and at least has a couple drinks and a couple tokes after work when he works or starting in the morning on days off while he works outside. He gets very defensive telling me that he can do whatever he wants on his days off. We are 40 years old and I find this kind of behavior ridiculous. (We do not live together)
Half the time he is so cranky and moody and negative, especially when he is away from home and his pot. Like he is counting the hours so to speak. My therapist thinks we are in an addictive relationship and this is why I won't leave. I know he will never change and I think I am just stuck in this fairy tale that things are going to get better.
Deep down, I feel that most of our problems stem from his addictions. Whatever the case, I need to get out. I can make it a couple weeks away from him and then he always drags me back. The mistreatment, followed by the I'm sorry, I'm going to change. I know the drill.
Is this the place for me or should I be looking for something else?
While Al-Anon is primarily for friends and families of alcoholics, I personally find the program can really be applied to many other aspects, such as living with or caring about someone with ANY kind of an addiction. It also fills in very well as a recovery program for co-dependents.
There are specific 12-step groups for both families and friends of addicts (not just alcoholics). That would be Nar-Anon. And there are specific 12-step groups for co-dependents: Co-dependents Anonymous.
But, as I said, I feel the Al-Anon 12-step program really can be applied to those aspects. For me, all I do is silently change the wording of the first step "we are powerless over alcohol" to "we are powerless over other people, places, events and things", and I've encompassed co-dependency traits as well as my powerlessness over someone with an addiction.
For some, however, they may feel more defined focus on what they're living with may just feel more "right" to them. Most of Al-Anon material discusses alcoholism. If you're someone involved with someone addicted to heroin, or maybe gambling, it might feel out-of-place reading discussions of alcoholism.
But you are welcome here, for sure.
Thanks for sharing with us.
In my own experience, addictive behavior all shares a lot of the same traits - dishonesty, fear, rage, intimidation, judgement, denial. Doesn't matter to me if the person's addicted to pain killers or beer - their behavior is all frighteningly similar.
It seems there is a lot of helpful information here from what I have been reading. I have no trouble reading about alcoholism as my father was an alcoholic and I myself have struggled with various addictions, alcohol included.
I guess what is the hardest thing for me about coming here is that it makes it more real. Like I know now that this relationship is not going to work without some work by my partner and I know that it's not going to happen. I know how hard it is and you can't make somebody change. They need to help themselves.
Thanks again. I appreciate the members who share on this site.
Welcome 922! You certainly belong here, not only as the gf of someone with a substance problem, but as the adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA).
I too am ACoA and both my last bf and my current are recovering alcoholics who use pot. By the way, all the chronic pot users I know who continue to smoke into middle age are cranky, moody, negative folks -- thought that stuff was supposed to make one happy and relaxed, lol.
I turned to Al-Anon in January of this year out of a sort of desperation, trying to understand why I kept getting involved with alcoholics when, after growing up with two alcoholic parents, that was the last situation I wanted to put myself in. And I had just lost my mother to cirrhosis. I knew there was something amiss with the way my brain was wired, but had no idea how to fix it.
What I like best about the program is that it is solution-focused. There is less emphasis on attaching labels to unhealthy behaviour, and more on teaching me the tools to use in my daily life to find peace within myself.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I'm another newbie and have a question. My boyfriend has been sober (and clean) for 4 years. He can't seem to stop smoking cigarettes, though, and at the age of 39 was told he has the beginnings of emphysema. He quits for maybe 6 months at a time, and then slips. I have tried to be as supportive as possible, but one time about 5 months ago he started smoking behind my back. It took me a month to figure it out, and I felt so betrayed because we have an extremely honest relationship, and we're very, very close. He embraces recovery and is a fantastic guy and boyfriend. We made an agreement that quitting smoking is very hard, but that he has to be honest when he slips up and not hide it from me. I told him I cannot tolerate lying (I have a history there but won't bore you with the gory details; suffice it to say that lying is the worse thing somebody can do to me). Anyway, I told him if he slips up and tells me, fine. That happened onece, he fessed up...and I didn't freak or guilt trip him. Just talked about how the situatio could be avoided in the future, and he got back on track. But I told him if he hides it, I will leave him. He agreed...even discussed it with his therapist (with me there). And then yesterday he lied about it and I found out. I am really devastated - over the lying, not the cigarettes. Anyway, my question is this....I can understand sneaking and lying when drinking, doing drugs, and not working a program. But I can't understand this same behavior in someone who goes to meetings, has a sponsor (and a therapist) and reads spiritual books all the time in an effort to better himself. So....is sneaking and lying inherent to the addictive personality, even when sober? If he promises again not to sneak and lie, how can I trust him? Answer: I can't. This has happened before. He tells me he's ashamed to admit defeat. I try to tell him that hiding it makes it worse, because it's a form of betrayal. His therapist agreed. In many ways, he is a wonderful boyfriend and I love him very much. We've been together just over 3 years and live together. But because of my own issues, I can't tolerate the lying. It puts a huge distance between us, for me. How can I be intimate with somebody who looked me in the eye and lied? Do I have to just accept that this is the way he is, because he's an alcoholic and addict? Should I just add "liar' to the list too and accept it? BTW, he usually doesn't lie to me. The only lie I have ever caught him in is this.
And to member922, your boyfriend sounds exactly like my ex, who had bipolar disorder. They often self-medicate, with pot being a common drug of choice. It's something to consider, so look into. And look out for yourself first. I am sure you will learn ALOT here. I hope I will too!!
Have you figured out why you end up with these types of people?? Or even put up with them?
I laugh at your comment about the older pot smokers haha. My problem is that this guy drags me in and I end up choosing to do it with him. To me, who never does it, it is fun and happy, but I know I am not looking at the big picture. This is not who I am anymore (I am not 20 lol), nor how I want to behave.
I just think that the only way I can find peace within myself is to drop this guy and keep myself straight. I don't know how else to deal with this, and if he just shrugs everything off like there is no problem, then I what??
I myself was dx'd with bipolar disorder and I am on a mood stabilizer. My bf often makes rude comments about my needing meds. I think he would benefit from them way more than I ever could.
I did plenty of self medicating myself until I finally accepted myself and believed in myself and decided I was ready to live in the real world. And there is no feeling like it! I finally love life and I just wish this guy could see the other side. I was the only one who could fix me and I know that he can only fix himself. He is afraid. I understand, but I cannot let this person bring me down if he isn't willing to try. That's what makes me so sad.
Hi and thank you for you post, it hit home with me :) I remember when i first came here i thought how in gods name did i end up here? Two years later, I can say, how could i have not.........I too am acoa and I have come to realize that I was almost primed so to speak to end up in an unhealthy relationship. Looking back I didnt even know what a healthy relationship looked or felt like, I certainly didnt see one in my home which is where i learned my perceptions of what the world is like and how people relate to one another. I can now see how my thinking was so distorted ie..the effects of growing up in dysfunction...its what happens to us...I knew one thing for sure, my attraction to these types of relationships was just not "healthy", putting myself in harms way, something had to be wrong with me, I just didnt know what it was. Alot of things come with growing up in dysfunctional households. There are also alot of prescritpion free drugs i became addicted to ie...chaos, drama etc...Once i started to understand all of this the pieces of the puzzle started to fit. I remember someone said to me, we dont end up with alcholics or addicts by mistake, i was quite offended lol....now it makes perfect sense. The great thing is that thru the program and a willingness to really understand myself and look at how i got to thinking as i did things are making sense and my thinking is changing. So glad your here and please keep coming back...blessings !!
Have you figured out why you end up with these types of people?? Or even put up with them?
A large part of it is just an unconscious comfort and familiarity I have with addicts, because they behave in patterns that I am accustomed to from my childhood. In the same way, my closest friends growing up always turned out to be living in alcoholic homes also -- even if we didn't know it until later -- we had that weird unspoken bond.
One of the members here also suggested that it is a way for us ACoAs to finally "win" over alcoholism. We couldn't control our parents' drinking, but some of us have the illusion that we will succeed as adults, with our partners.
That certainly rings true for me. I could apply the 3 Cs to my parents easily enough; I had accepted that I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. And I could accept that I didn't cause my partners' alcoholism, because they became alcoholic and embarked on recovery before we even met. I could accept that I couldn't control it when they relapsed (although there were times I thought there was something I could have done differently to prevent it). But in the back of my mind there was still a little glimmer of hope that there was some magic phrase I could come up with that would make a difference to their sobriety -- that I could say something so powerful or so meaningful that it would "beat" alcoholism.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I don't mean to bump my post or anything, but I just wanted to thank everyone for the warm welcome. I am already learning a lot and feel like I fit in already, and it makes me want to cry.
DreamXL, I totally get your comment about saying we don't end up with them by accident. I feel like I am repeating the same kind of relationship I had with my father.
And yes, tyhannah, I felt I could convince this person to see the light.
I am in therapy and that is helping me to see that I am a different person. I am finally growing up and I am not afraid anymore. I do not need to cling to this unhealthy relationship, even though I still do LOL. I deserve much better than this. And even if I don't find a healthy somebody, I have myself and I know I am better off alone.
You certainly belong here, not only as the gf of someone with a substance problem, but as the adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA).