The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this, and how they handled it.
I've been in recovery and working my program for a little over a year. I have a friend who I've known since 3rd grade (I'm 37 yrs old), and we've been close for all of these years.
I have found that, since I've been engaged in Al-Anon, I'm growing apart from her. She's equating our growing apart with the fact that she doesn't like my AH because of his addiction and all of the chaos that has come along with it, and she thinks I've chosen him over her. I don't know...maybe that's part of it. But, I think the bigger part is that I believe I've come to see that my relationship with her really isn't the "friendship" that I thought it was.
Has this happened to anyone else? Has growing in the program caused you to re-evaluate and distance yourself from people (other than the As)?
I've encountered a similar situation with my best friend. I've been in recovery for about 2.5 years. When I first met my AH, I think my best friend felt left out and like he occupied a lot of my time that I used to devote to her. She was probably right - I think I did allow him to occupy a lot of my time.
As I got more months of recovery, however, I realized that I wanted space and distance from my best friend. Although I love her dearly, I think our relationship was kind of toxic. Instead of taking any given situation and analyzing it and coming to a conclusion about what I thought and then making a decision, I would tell her all about it and she would tell me what to do. She would get angry at me or passive aggressive if I didn't do what she said. The more time I got in the program, the more I wanted to figure out my life myself - not that talking to other people is bad, but I didn't want ADVICE anymore. It's funny, but advice was the only thing I wanted when I got here. I just don't want advice now. I guess that may be a measuring stick of progress for me.
Also, I started to realize the amount of time I had spent on the phone with my bff pissing and moaning about how bad my life was, about how so-and-so had done such-and-such to me and how wronged I was, etc. I started to realize that obsessing about the things I was obsessing about (other people's behavior, mostly) was helping me to stay very sick. If I was going to get better, those phone calls were going to have to change into something more positive.
I have a lot less time now than I used to because I have a one year old in addition to my nine year old. When I do talk on the phone, it's not for hours and it's not focused on someone else's behavior that I have taken personally.
So to answer your question, yes. Growing in the program has caused me to re-evaluate this friendship and seek distance from my bff. I think that for me, this is a healthy decision.
I've found that I'm seeing many of my long-time relationships through a new pair of eyes since attending Al-Anon and really working the program.
I clearly see my mom's alcoholic behavior - even if she's been in recovery and hasn't drank for 31 years. I clearly see my father's co-dependent behavior. I see *something* in my brother that I can't quite put my finger on, but I really suspect he's an alcoholic, although he doesn't drink. I just see what seems like a lot of anger in him, event though he really doesn't explode on people or anything like that. Just this odd suppressed thing.
My best friend, (whom I've also known since the third grade... I'm 33 now), also seems different to me. I recognize a lot of un-treated Al-Anon (co-dependent) behavior in her.
I've gone through a period of time where just about all my long-time relationships have said something that really put me off because it just didn't sound healthy. Sometimes on numerous occasions this has happened and I can see myself withdrawing from them when that kind of stuff comes up.
But, I remind myself that everyone is just doing the best they can. I also remind myself that they're not the ones who've changed.... I'm the one who's changed. They're still the same mom, the same dad, the same brother, the same aunt, the same uncle, the same cousin, the same best friend who before Al-Anon I saw in a different light and loved in unique ways.
I still choose to love them, but I think what's really happening is I find I'm starting to build boundaries where necessary to help protect my happiness. Boundaries don't necessarily mean I'm growing apart from someone, it's just that I'm making some slight changes in how I interact with them.
It was really scary and alarming at first for me to suddenly think "Ew. I didn't like that... and that came out of my best friend!!" I was almost certain it meant that our relationship would surly fizzle and disappear. But that hasn't happened. I'm thankful for it... I guess it's just as scary to me as learning my exAH was an alcoholic and that there was a possibility that we'd have to eventually part ways.
I don't like losing the relationships I have in my life. That's a fact. But by far, my relationships with my own family and my best friend are worlds apart from the relationship I had with my AH. Sometimes I do choose to love my family and friend from a distance (and that's easy for me considering I moved to Hawaii and they're still on the mainland). But so far, I haven't seen behavior that would warrant my feeling I needed to end things because the relationship was toxic and put my serenity at risk.
Sometimes, however, that stuff does need to happen. Once we get healthier we really start finding we want to surround ourselves with healthy people, not sick ones, and sick ones may have been what we drew to us in our early days.
Good stuff to think about, though. Thanks for sharing.
I think I am having a similar thing happening in my life with my best friend and partner in photography... I am pretty sure we are growing apart, slowly, but surely. Maybe we will never fully split, but maybe we will. I have only known her 4 years, but she is the type to always offer me advice and get upset if I don't take it, and to try and control EVERYTHING. Either way, I will be ok with the outcome. Some people are only in our lives for a season... My hp will help me through...
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I have had many changes in longstanding friendships in my life since working my program. My level of tolerance of drama and chaos has caused me to distance myself from some friends. And I also have noticed a change in myself really thinking about the give and take of my friendships. I have found that there are some relationships I was extending so much more effort to stay close with little contribution from the other person, at the same time there are people who extend more to me than I have to them. I am refocusing my attention on being as good of a friend to the people who have been that way to me. It simply feels healthier to have an equal give and receive relationship now. In a strange way focusing on healthier friendships has made me feel isolated, byproduct of being healthier and busy and my friends being healthy and busy too. I am truly starting to understand quality versus quanity value though
