Newly pregnant - husband is an active alcoholic. - Al-Anon Family Group

Lola77 · Newbie

Newly pregnant - husband is an active alcoholic.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((LOLA))

SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND KNOW YOU WILL BE A LOVE BEING A MOM. IT IS WONDERFUL THAT YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH ALANON AND HAVE THE TOOLS AND SERENITY PRAYER AS PART OF YOUR THINKING.

AS YOU KNOW ALCOHOLISM IS A DISEASE AND THERE IS EVIDENCE THAT THERE IS A GENETIC FACTOR INVOLVED. HAVING AT LEAST ONE HEALTHY PARENT, IN PROGRAM IS A GREAT GIFT TO GIVE A CHILD.

PLEASE FIND A MEETING IN YOUR NEW AREA AND GO. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU, USE THE TOOLS AND TRUST HP WILL GUIDE YOU IN CARING FROM YOUR LITTLE BLESSING

WE HAVE MEETINGS HERE 2XS A DAY AND WOULD LOVE TO HAR FROM YOU

KEEP COMING BACK

-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 11th of October 2010 08:16:44 AM

susie56543 · Member

Hi Lola (i love your name btw)

Congrats on your little one :) :)

I know exactly how you feel. I'm also pregnant and the daddy is an addict. His father was an addict, and so was his grandfather. Now I have a little boy due in about a month. When he started using heavily again, I told him that I couldn't be around that and I didn't want our son to see it either. I told him I knew he was sick and I understood that he must be feeling really bad about falling off the wagon, but that he needed to take care of himself and I couldn't be around to help because I had to take care of myself too. I'm very blessed because my father and stepmom have an extra room (100 miles away from him) & because I scheduled my fall semester to be online classes & had something to keep me busy & motivated. So I left! I cried for a MONTH & went to meetings every day. He found his way to rehab, eventually. But I'm definitely keeping the same boundaries up, if he's not working his program or is using, he's not going to be around our son.

I guess know how hard it is. The hardest thing is probably thinking what it "should" be like to be pregnant & have your husband with you emotionally. I went to my birthing class with my stepmom (everyone thought we were lesbians at first lol) and that was rough to see all the other doting daddies. But I just keep thinking of the fact that this little person is relying on me, and only me, to be his safe guard now. He'll be here soon and then I'll need to focus even more because he'll be relying on me for everything, so I have to man up and take care of myself too. I forget that ALL THE TIME though, so it's a good thing I can start over & get my head back on when I start getting lonely/anxious.

Anyhow, I hope that helped, even if it was just a little. Keep coming back! :)

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I know I find all the meetings I have been to on the Alanon website. I know there is a hotline number in the phone book as well. You can find meetings just about anywhere. You can come here as well and there are chats here too. Taking care of you and that baby is the most important thing you can do now....

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

(( Lola ))

I can tell you this.. I was raised in a highly addictive family. I did my fare share of partying and such but in the end when the rubber hits the road so to speak when it was time for me to to marry and start a family all that went out the window. I was able to give it up easily.
Is this disease genetic. Yeah it is. My husband ( also from an alcoholic home) did all the things we thought were right in raising our children but had never sought our own recovery from the effects of living with addiction. When we live with an alcoholic/addict we take on thier behaviors and coping skills unknowingly.
So even though we moved away from our families when our children were young, had very little alcohol ever in our home and certainly no drugs. We were still raising our children in dysfuction and with the behaviorisms and unhealthy coping skills. If I could had seen into the future I would have ran not walked to every alanon meeting I could get to in order to teach my chldren healthy behaviors and coping skills. One of our children became an addict despite our best efforts and thats when I found alanon.
So please if you haven't already started attending meetings please do so. You will find your own behaviors that need changing and your baby will learn from you healthy behaviors and coping skills. So you got here just in time.
Your husband is sick and we become sick in living with them. He could find recovery at anytime. But now that you have found a place of recovery your child will have 1 healthy parent to show them the right path.
I would just suggest that you don't project you childs future in regards to this disease. Enjoy being a parent, get to meetings, get yourself healthy and as they say One day at a time
There is no way to know which person will become an alcoloic or not so don't dwell on that.
Another story I will share is I have a niece who is a alcoholic and a single mom. Her son was raised in complete dysfuction, to the point he would find hiss mom passed out in various places around the house, his father is a meth addict but never a part of his life. her son is now an adult and has never taken so much as a sip of alcohol or any drug. He has announced he is breaking the cycle. And I am very proud of him.
So there is no telling who this will strike.
Enjoy your baby and take things one step at a time
Blessings in recovery

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Hi hon, lots of good experience is being shared here!

On top of the message board there is a "Frequently Asked Questions" a very valued member put together.

Also you see a book offered. GREAT BOOK.

hugs,sincerely,debilyn

RedHead · Member

Congrats on being pregnant! Be excited if this is what you want but I'm going to share something with you that you may not want to hear.

15 years ago I became pregnant to my alcoholic husband. I was jsut about to get a tubal as I KNEW I didn't want to have children with him. We'll before my appointment, I found out I was pregnant. I was NOT happy. In fact, I didn't talk for two weeks. I stayed with my husband and my poor son has seen more than he should of had to see in his 14 years....fights, name calling, his father passed out drunk, losing job after job. Three years ago Itold husband to get out becuase my son was becoming so angry and I knew it was from the family situation. I couldn't put my son through it any longer. My son did get better, happier but I still see the lingering side effects of living with his alcoholic father. My worst fear is that my son will become an alcoholic. There are times that I still cry because I feel it is my fault that my son had to go through what he did and it was my fault.

There may be people on these boards who think different from me but, in my opinion, if your husband is a practicing alcholic, you should try to find some support and raise your child on your own. Go to al-anon. They will help give you strength to stick to your convictions.

Good luck and my best to you and your future baby.

Hayes · Veteran Member

I was drawn to this post because I too am very scared and unsure. I have a four year old daughter to my alcoholic partner - and that in itself is very difficult. She has to experience 'daddy is angry' 'he is going to his place' a lot of late. Really very little moments of sobriety. And then there is my behaviour in response. I feel such guilt and anxiety and I am sure she feels this too.
Then today I found out with a home pregnancy test kit that I am most likely pregnant again. I simply do not know what to do and can not sleep. I am not attending meetings of late. I am lost. I felt suicidal and also elated when I found out - two absolute extremes.
I have to focus on me and now my two babies. We have two homes so I can separate from their father if need be. I don't know how I'll go about that - ultimatums etc - what it will look like. But I have to trust that my higher power will guide me to care take these two beautiful souls and my own. No matter what I always cope. If I focus on my health and recovery - this is what I can give my children. This is the only way I can look at it tonight - but I tell you, I am so anxious and angry with myself to have gotten into this 'position'. But I have made a choice with my action and I am going to need to live this through. Good can come from this.
I hope you are okay Lola and can update us on how you are doing. I plan to come on here a lot more now!

Hayes · Veteran Member

Well this morning when we both got up I asked my partner to leave. I don't know if I have done the right thing but I said that this fighting can not go on in front of our daughter and there is to be no drinking at my house. That I can't make the choice for him re his drinking but he will not be welcome here if he is under the influence.

He has complained that I am too dependant on him and that I take up his time for him to get sober so I told him I feel this is giving him the opportunity to have that time and make that choice for himself - which I understand he may not. He started on me about what I do wrong (and yes there is a lot) for example yesterday I did lie to him out of pure fear of him leaving and abandonment. Yes there is a lot I do wrong. But all I know is that in even asking him to leave and take time out (he has his own place) a confusing argument began again and my daughter came running out her room and asked what was going on. I don't know how I am going to do this or if I am doing the right thing, but the fighting - whoever's 'fault' it is can not go on. When he is yelling at me I can't even get the space to reflect on 'whose fault' all of this is. I get so, so confused.

I am so scared. I am so anxious. It's going to be very hot the next few days - there is no air con here. I am too anxious to even go to the supermarket. I made this choice. I feel very alone - pregnant and alone. But I've made this choice and I guess I just have to get through this day. Ugh! I need support!

Yvette · Newbie

Hi Lola,

I truly can relate to what you are dealing with. My husband too is an alcoholic and I've found out recently that I'm 5 weeks pregnant. My husband has attended these Al-Anon meetings but he don't stick with them. My husband also displays socialpath behavior traits that can be frightening. Mix that with alcohol and let just say "furneral" so I recently put him out of my life and focus on what really matters. Myself, baby and school. Yes, I do get lonely but I found myself more involved with learning of my pregnancy and getting involved in support groups and sharing my difficult relationships amongst strangers that seem to have some insight. My heart is shattered because, I always wanted a family but I don't think this is the call God has for me. However, I am truly thankful through all the agony my husband has put me through, my pregnancy isn't disturbed. My husband is hostile when he drinks and seem to display mental illness that he refuse to get help. I GOT to leave him to what he do best...destroying his life before he destroy mine and the baby's.

Yvette

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