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I really dont know what the hell is wrong with me.My ABF and I split up about 3 months ago.The relationship had started to become violent and he had hit me on 3 separate occasions.The first time this happened we had argued over his x girlfriend and he was smashed and was very remorseful, we separated for about 2 weeks but I was still in love with him and took him back.The 2nd time it happened, I was trying to stop him from leaving my house as he was smashed again and I was scared of him driving in that state, I was not drunk on either of these occasions and I believe I was only trying to do a good thing, ie: not let him drive in that state.Once again I forgave him and we promised each other that it would not happen again.Well it did which is why we broke up for good, The third time it happened we had argued over something trivial and then he did not talked to me for a whole week, which was becoming quite common in the relationship, I would do something he deemed bad and he would go off and just not talk to me for days on endI cant be like that, it was killing me so I went over to his house and basically demanded to know if it was over and that I needed my keys backwell he hit me again, and says its my fault as I had promised him that it would never happen again????He has this thing he says the right woman can control me! ???I told him that nobody can or should control another person and that control comes from within, and that he needs to learn to control himself and not look to someone else to do so, I know damned well that I cannot control him and even if I could I do not want to control him.To me that seems wrong, to control someone else, I did try as in telling him to drink after 5pm, if he started drinking after 12pm we would inevitably fightno matter what I did or said or did not sayI started to find myself going to bed at 7pm to avoid problems.He is a very big drinker and does not see a problem with it.
So why the hell do I miss him?I think I am a smart successful independent woman, but when it comes to relationships I seem to accept being treated in a way that nobody should accept from their partners and why do I feel the need to apologise, which shamefully I must admit I have done many times.I dont want him back now but I hate the fact that he says he hates me and feels like it was me who has hurt him.I wouldve liked to remain friends but he says he hates me so much, I really dont understand why HE hates me, cos his other girlfriends have cheated on him, stolen from him etcI never did anything like that and never would have, yet he can remain friends with the others but not me
And the worrying thing is I dont even know why the hell I want to be his friend after the way he treated me, what the hell is wrong with me???
Aloha Lizz...the answers to the "why" questions are found in the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups which I believe are many in your neck of the planet. The hot line number is in the white pages of your local telephone book and what I did was called it and got to the first meeting I was directed to and never looked back on continuing to do the same thing over and over and over again expecting different results.
What you're doing is so very similar to what an addicted person does when trying to stop their addiction and yet after going thru withdrawals and cravings go right back to using.
Call the hot line number and/or check out the on line meetings held twice daily at MIP....In support (((((hugs)))))
WELCOME YOU HAVE FOUND A WONDERFUL LIFELINE THAT CAN SAVE YOUR SANITY AND LIFE.
BEING A SUCCESSFUL INDEPENDENT WOMEN IS A GREAT GIFT AND LEARNING HOW TO USE THESE GIFTS TO BENEFIT YOU AND BUILD A WONDERFUL LIFE IS WHAT ALANON IS ALL ABOUT.
YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE POWERLESS OVER YOUR BOYFRIEND. HE VERY DESTRUCTIVELY HAS TRANSFERRED RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS BAD BEHAVIOR ON TO OTHERS SO THAT HE DOES NOT HAVE TO CHANGE AND TAKE CONTROL OF HIS BEHAVIOR.
I ALWAYS FOUND IT VERY EASY TO SAY "I AM SORRY" IN ALL SITUATIONS EVEN WHEN I KNEW I HAD DONE NOTHING. I THOUGHT IT MADE THINGS BETTER AND IT SEEMS AS IF THAT IS A TOOL YOU HAVE LEARNED AS WELL.
PLEASE KNOW WE HAVE ONLINE MEETINGS HERE 2XS A DAY AND IF YOU CANNOT GET TO A MEETING COME HERE AND LEARN SOME NEW CONSTRUCTIVE TOOLS TO LIVE BY
Being codependent has caused me many many years of pain and suffering. Alanon has helped me see that I don't have to live like that anymore. I was in an abusive relationship for 9 years. I got out and and so much happier. Alanon teaches us to become self-aware. I am learning about boundaries with people and about how to concentrate on me and what I want and need. I still have so much to learn, but alanon has opened a new door for me... Take care of you
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Been there done exactly that. He didn't hit me, but he might as well have. Abuse is abuse....period.
And I was left in the same spot . . . What am I doing?????????? When he left I should have felt relief and freedom - but I was torn apart.
Al-Anon REALLY helped. Working the steps really helped. But it didn't click with me until I read Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. Highly recommend it.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Why? Because by the time most of us got here to alanon we were/are people pleasers. We take on other peoples problems and make them our own Our self esteem is so low we don't feel worthy of real love and settle for abuse because at least we are getting attention There are a million reasons as to the why If you have already started in the alanon program awesome! If not may I suggest that you find a meeting and start working the program. Alanon is a program for YOU...to figure out all the "why's" and learn new and healthy behaviors and coping skills so when you are ready for another relationship you will be educated and aware enough to make healthy choices in picking a partner. Please know if it is somewhere in your mind to get back with your old bf that abuse just like addiction is a progressive disease and it will only get worse. You will be putting yourself in danger. Blessings in recovery
