The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi All- My family has a long history of dependency, family secrets with the women as enablers and the men (and a few women) are the 'broken' parties (From what I've read this is pretty common) there's not any specific dependency. It's ranged from physical abuse, methamphetamines, pedophilia, gambling...etc. I live about 2000 miles away from my family- the entire extended and immediate gang lives in a small town besides me.
Since about the age of 14, my brother has been chronically using pot and was in Juvenile Hall 2x for selling drugs when he was a teen. He is now 27 ....about 6 months ago his apartment was robbed (he wasn't home and is OK) confided in me that it was someone he knew because he was selling them drugs. He also told me about when he was between 14-27 (I'm 12 years older and was not in the state) he was violent towards my Mom and would leave the home for weeks. My Mom and Dad never let me know about this.
My brother has since moved in with my parents after being evicted; my parent's think that the robbery was random and the eviction was due to his roommate getting a cat. This has been a pretty normal pattern and I've tried to stay out of it until now- my parents just retired and I'm worried about the fact he's draining them financially and aren't helping them as they get older. After my Mom told me my Dad was quite ill and my brother informed me that he has no intention to help them because he says "they've put me through enough". I had a bit of a breakdown and told my parents about his drug selling.
My Dad is upset at me for creating some trouble and my Mom told me it's OK I said something and even spoke to my bro about it. My brother is livid- I think I'm more worked up than anyone and feel so guilty....feeling like maybe I created unecessary drama and getting into their business. My brother and I have never had a big fallout and I'm scared that this had damaged our relationship to the point of no return. I know part of it may have come from some resentment and jealousy too- I clearly see that deep inside part of my motivation was to knock him off some pedestal that is in my mind.
I don't really have anyone I want to talk to about this as my life is great and I just don't feel like I want to make it a huge deal with my friends, but I'm literally sick to my stomach.
Aloha kbbs...read your post and personally related to "your story" as it is similar to mine in areas. I was born and raised within the strong influence of the disease of addiction and much of what comes with it.
Then I read your last sentence ...."my life is fine"...."I'm sick to my stomach". You are in the right place at the right time in MIP and this online fellowship. I relate back to how I use to think, feel and act when I first got to the program and how the things I said didn't match up. I suggest you go to the white pages of your local telephone book and get the number for Al-Anon and call quickly for the times and places we meet in face to face meetings so that you can also come into the rooms of recovery and sit and listen and find literature which will be soooo supportive of a new perspective.
Believe me I also use to think and say I was "fine" under the same sick conditions.
I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH THIS DREADFUL DISEASE AND SO GLAD YOU FOUND US.
I FOUND THAT I COULD NOT MOVE FAR ENOUGH AWAY FROM MY PRACCTICING FAMILY TO NOT BE EFFECTED. YOU SEE GROWING YOU WITH THE DISEASE DID FORM MY UNDERLYING THINKING, FEELING AND DOING WITHOUT MY BEING AWARE OF IT.
I THOUGHT I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING AND THAT , I THOUGHT I WAS FINE AND DID NOT NEED HELP, I WORRIED ABOUT OTHERS, GAVE MYSELF AWAY .
PLEASE FOLLOW JERRY'S SUGGESTION. FIND AN ALANON MEETING AND DISCOVER HOW GREAT LIFE CAN BE.
Thanks so much for your support! It's funny how everything can be fine and then things like this can bring me right back to old feelings. I didn't even notice the incongruence of the 'I'm good' statement and the fact I'm feeling terrible. I feel like since I don't have a spouse that I have to deal with daily I don't need the support like others do but I'm glad I posted and should be dealilng with this. Thanks Again!
I am also very new to Alanon. THe tools I have learned so far have helped me tremendously. I can't say enough about the literature, reading Courage to Change and As We Understood and the pamplets at meetings. I have also had such relief in finding MIP and coming here daily. If not for this board, I would have lost my way already. Welcome here. In my experience, trying to interfere in anyway doesn't work. I have to keep to my own business and my own needs are the most important. Take care of you!!
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Thanks Sunflowergirl- I do try to keep to myself on this, but when he's mistreating (and possibly abusing) my parents who are in their late 60s I decided it was my business. I'm feeling better, but mostly regret now just telling my parents instead of addressing it with him and letting him either move out or I tell my folks.
